[ chase him, something in jiaoqiu says, when he sees that uncertainty. you have to chase him, you have to try harder, you useless thing.
but he isn't built that way. he cannot and will not force the words to come out. so instead, it's reinforcement - that this is not important enough. it won't stop him from offering his care, because he's selfish enough to take whatever he's given, but. really, it's for the best. there are so many things wrong with him that it's unfair to make therion attach himself. like adopting an elderly cat at the shelter, in hopes of giving it a decent home before it goes. like rescuing someone from a submerged car, trying to unbuckle a seatbelt with cold-numb fingers.
therion doesn't want to bring the danger from his life into jiaoqiu's apartment. he thinks of himself as a parasite, taking and taking, but for jiaoqiu, therion isn't one - it's just that jiaoqiu doesn't have enough to properly feed the need. it's nice to be cared for, to be bandaged and fed and given a bed, for a little bit of kindness, but that's what he's worth. you bite into the peach, and your teeth meet the pit immediately. there's only so much chili oil in the bottle. there's not enough good to give. it's not worth it, to salvage whatever peach flesh there is. you'd have to break the bottle entirely to get the rest of the oil out. you throw both away, in the end.
he couldn't do anything for the people he loved. all he did was become a liability. someone to die rescuing. he thinks that'll happen to therion, too. he's so close to dragging therion off that cliff with him and it's the last thing he wants to do.
and it's not that he doubts therion cares. he can see it. but jiaoqiu is fooling him into thinking that he's worth that care. it isn't fair to him, no matter how much jiaoqiu wants to give it. it isn't fair for jiaoqiu to get right up to the edge and then give up, tired. he deserves someone kinder, more stubborn, someone who can push and press and be sweet. sunshine, instead of moonlight.
read between the lines, therion says, and jiaoqiu smiles at him. it's not empty, at least. it's just net-neutral. this is as far as he can make himself bend. ]
I often do.
[ is his answer. a beat. and then, selfishly, he leans forward to kiss therion on the lips, and then the cheek, and then the forehead, and lets go of him. ]
You can wash these dishes while I go start the water for a shower, hm?
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but he isn't built that way. he cannot and will not force the words to come out. so instead, it's reinforcement - that this is not important enough. it won't stop him from offering his care, because he's selfish enough to take whatever he's given, but. really, it's for the best. there are so many things wrong with him that it's unfair to make therion attach himself. like adopting an elderly cat at the shelter, in hopes of giving it a decent home before it goes. like rescuing someone from a submerged car, trying to unbuckle a seatbelt with cold-numb fingers.
therion doesn't want to bring the danger from his life into jiaoqiu's apartment. he thinks of himself as a parasite, taking and taking, but for jiaoqiu, therion isn't one - it's just that jiaoqiu doesn't have enough to properly feed the need. it's nice to be cared for, to be bandaged and fed and given a bed, for a little bit of kindness, but that's what he's worth. you bite into the peach, and your teeth meet the pit immediately. there's only so much chili oil in the bottle. there's not enough good to give. it's not worth it, to salvage whatever peach flesh there is. you'd have to break the bottle entirely to get the rest of the oil out. you throw both away, in the end.
he couldn't do anything for the people he loved. all he did was become a liability. someone to die rescuing. he thinks that'll happen to therion, too. he's so close to dragging therion off that cliff with him and it's the last thing he wants to do.
and it's not that he doubts therion cares. he can see it. but jiaoqiu is fooling him into thinking that he's worth that care. it isn't fair to him, no matter how much jiaoqiu wants to give it. it isn't fair for jiaoqiu to get right up to the edge and then give up, tired. he deserves someone kinder, more stubborn, someone who can push and press and be sweet. sunshine, instead of moonlight.
read between the lines, therion says, and jiaoqiu smiles at him. it's not empty, at least. it's just net-neutral. this is as far as he can make himself bend. ]
I often do.
[ is his answer. a beat. and then, selfishly, he leans forward to kiss therion on the lips, and then the cheek, and then the forehead, and lets go of him. ]
You can wash these dishes while I go start the water for a shower, hm?