[ it is huge. he is constantly covered in pink fur now? it's the worst. even when he's not been here for like a week, he still finds it on himself and then feels weird about it and then has to show up and bother him, which is definitely not a sign of the fact that he has feelings or anything.
anyway,
he gets a scowl over pouting. rude? and therion pinches him in the side for it, but he'll answer his question, nonchalant as ever. ]
Fine. [ why wouldn't it be. it's like a little sore but he's so distantly unaware of any pain in his body that he doesn't care about it. ] Not really any different than yesterday.
[ the most horrible tsundere cat in the universe and jiaoqiu has chosen to place his affections upon it
the pinch gets a squawk, but he's so comfortable that he doesn't dislodge himself much. he does shift a bit so he can look at whatever therion is wearing - the bandages are probably covered, but. he believes therion, is the thing, he knows that he's got crazy pain tolerance, but the thing about pain is that it's supposed to tell you when something is wrong. jiaoqiu knows this so very, very well. he's had to be careful, over the years, because the senses he has that tell him things are wrong are broken.
a beat. ]
When I'm finished, I'd like to check. You shouldn't get your stitches soaked, but you can wet them a little, if you'd like to join me in the shower.
[ he can look!!! he's wearing the same clothes he was wearing yesterday - an oversized, dark purple hoodie and too tight jeans. no shirt underneath because he is a heathen, so if jiaoqiu really wanted to actually look at his bandages he probably could. the reality is that he owns maybe like three pieces of clothing? he steals them when he feels like he needs them (ie: when they are destroyed) but otherwise just wears them down to the threads.
he shrugs his good shoulder, though, in agreement. a shower sounds fine, though he's kind of comfortable at the moment. not that he'd admit it. ]
Thought you'd nag me out of the shower if I went in alone. [ "don't get them wet" "don't climb buildings" god it's like jiaoqiu doesn't want him to do anything!!!!!
the comment about the sheets gets an eyebrow raise in response, too, but he doesn't say anything about it because he doesn't have to. mr clean and his animal instincts, huh... ]
[ jiaoqiu knows that feasibly, he cannot buy therion clothes because therion would be mad about it. but maybe what he can do is buy himself purple clothes and then leave them strategically around the apartment for therion to take. that's a good plan, right? ]
If you will not take care of your injuries, then it falls to me to do so.
[ he says, taking another bite of his eggs. anyway, he'd made that comment because he thinks there is a decent chance that they'll end up rolling around in bed again. but as he's eating, he sort of drifts in a memory, with his head resting against therion's shoulder, his arm wrapped around him loosely.
a little hesitantly, like he's not sure if it's... okay, or if he should: ]
Moze used to scold me for waiting so long to change my bed sheets. I really should do it more often.
[ it's a bit of a trust exercise. things he'd never talk about, things he probably shouldn't talk about to therion specifically, but - offering a little of his past, some vulnerability, a little of what hurts him. ]
anyway that's a fair enough comment - he rolls his eyes but doesn't say more about it. that's how they met, after all, with jiaoqiu cornering him into accepting actual medical treatment. he thinks that jiaoqiu is just going to ramble again at first, and he is, as always, perfectly comfortable to meld into silence. it's sort of what he's used to? and he just kind of closes his eyes and stays there.
...but. well. he's stupid sometimes, but he's not that stupid. the hesitance of that casual namedrop is enough, and his eyes flutter open again, looking up at the ceiling. he thinks, incorrectly, about when i was still trying to figure out what made me feel alive - because therion never had good relationships, and so of course the worst comes first, but he doesn't say anything about it.
instead, he just asks, quiet. neutral: ] ... Moze? [ and reaches back out to that hesitance to let him talk, if he wants to. ]
[ silence, for a moment, like he's debating on how much he wants to say, how much he's willing to bleed. he wants to. therion gives him room, and he wants to try. ]
My... [ he starts, and immediately gets stuck. what was moze, to him? friend? yes. lover - sometimes, but it seems ridiculous to call him his boyfriend. that wasn't ever what it was. what do you call codependency between three people? not a relationship, not really. he clears his throat. ] We worked together as General Feixiao's retainers. Her left and right hands.
[ he busies himself with his plate. ]
You remember that I stayed long enough because I had a question. [ before, when they were talking about recovering from nearly dying. ] The answer was that despite all my clever plans, both he and the General still died.
[ the first thing that comes to mind, before he even gets past the phrase 'left and right hands' are the two gravestones. suddenly, a lot of things click into place.
and it's - complicated. it's so complicated. therion's bad enough with emotions, let alone grief. even worse than that, in this case, his initial reaction isn't as sympathetic as it should be, but at least it's internalized, and with his face turned up to the ceiling, it's even harder to read.
that's what happens, when you lean too much on others. that's what happens, when you care too much. when you get too involved with other people, bad things happen. they hurt you, or they betray you, whether they mean to or not. he knows that's unfair, but he thinks it anyway, and he thinks about the miserable shell of a person sitting in front of the gravestones, and closes his eyes.
therion is quiet for a long, long moment as jiaoqiu finishes off with that last, self-depreciating comment. ]
... People die. [ he says, eventually, his voice dropping low. ] Not your fault.
[ he could probably phrase this in a softer way if he was a better person, but he's not. he has to say the harsh thing, usually in the most unfortunate way possible. he doesn't know the full circumstance, or if jiaoqiu would tell him, even, but there's nothing about this story that suggests anything that's jiaoqiu's fault. he can't call that useless. ]
[ the thing is that jiaoqiu doesn't even necessarily disagree. you spend enough time on a battlefield, you learn the names of your fellow soldiers. every day, you nurse them back to health, and every day, you watch them head out once more into danger. every day, you hear the footsteps of returning troops, and know that you would be missing a few more familiar faces among those who sat around the cauldron. eventually, you give up. you lose your taste. you lose your ability to cry.
people die. it's not your fault. therion's right, it wasn't his fault, but it ruined him nonetheless.
he doesn't seem to mind the harsh words. were it anybody else, maybe he'd shut off, but he knows therion so well by now. if he were to get angry every time therion didn't know how to be better at comfort, they would not be in this apartment, together. and, besides that, he doesn't expect therion to comfort him. he doesn't deserve it, first of all, but second of all, this wasn't a bid for pity. maybe it's just a little bit of insight.
as for the question: ]
Oh - was what I did worth it. [ he says idly. ] If they had survived, it would've been.
[ mm. he's quiet for a little after that, too. this is dangerous territory for the both of them - it's toeing into the past, something therion hates doing and something he's watched jiaoqiu fall into the void of before, but maybe it's... necessary? maybe it's necessary.
his harshness doesn't come from a place of cruelty, not really. therion's softer than he seems, no matter how much he puts his sharp, harsh front forwards, and he doesn't immediately dismiss what jiaoqiu says or what he went through no matter how he sees it. he needs to know the full story, anyway. his tone stays neutral, but he's clearly listening, clearly - observing him, too.]
... How soon after did it happen? [ after jiaoqiu went blind, at least. ]
After I went blind? Immediately. [ he says, and he is so desperately trying to not let the void creep in. therion reacted so poorly to it, the night before. he doesn't want to ruin this. but it's lurking, watching. waiting for his guard to slip. ]
I woke up blind, and they told me that Feixiao and Moze both had fallen to the borisin. Hoolay, was his name. You may have heard of him.
well - yeah. he knows that name. therion frowns. ]
... Shit.
[ sometimes, well, shit is really all you can really say in the face of that, because. yeah, of course therion knows hoolay, because he's infamous like therion is infamous, whispered names in shady corners, places shot up with illegitimacy. that's someone he has kept a wide, wide berth from, because he doesn't fuck around in places that can get him killed if he doesn't have to, because he doesn't deal in anything but trying to survive. he's not heard of him around this city in a while, but that doesn't mean anything, not with the long lived types.
so, that name is enough to tell the story. he doesn't know why a general of some kind got involved with that clown, but he can guess. and coming back to jiaoqiu - that he'd done so much to survive, only for the people to disappear in the end, making it all futile, it's...
it tells him what he thinks is true - that those attachments are what gets you pain. one way or another, by death or by betrayal, that's all it ever brings. he wants to run, but he doesn't. i like it when you stay. he bites back every normal awful thing he says for a second, and looks down at him out of the corner of his visible eye. ]
A long time ago, now. Years. Foxians live for centuries, you know.
[ another pause. and he swallows hard, and moves to get up. he needs to put his plate away. therion's too. he has to keep his apartment clean because the person who used to isn't around anymore. he'd never seen this one, though. he'd died a long time before jiaoqiu found his way here. he can barely even remember what his old apartment looked like, when he lived on the xianzhou.
he picks up the plates and he starts to crawl out of therion's lap. ]
You'll want to stay away from him. Hoolay, I mean. I'm sure that you know. [ ... ] But if you ever do run across him, be so very careful to never mention me.
[ okay, well - listen, no one's ever said he's really good at comforting, ever, once, and he's really not trying to do that right now. but therion is impulsive, and he reaches out with both hands and grabs his face before he's able to get too far away. too far away, in more ways than one. the movement is not as graceful as it usually is, not as sudden - just him following after and grabbing onto his face.
it's. kind of an idiot sandwich grab? but no one's ever accused him of being gentle, either. the look in his eyes is intense, but it's different than last night. ]
Why the fuck would I say anything? [ that, first, because the idea of bringing his life anywhere near jiaoqiu's doorstep is - absolutely insane, first of all, and it makes him feel terrible in a way he can't even describe, in a what a stupid fucking thing to say kind of way, but also because - because he's already bad enough, because the last thing he needs is for some other thief to show up, some phantom figure from therion's life looking to take something out on him because he's made (again, that stupid word) he's made an attachment. why the fuck would he let that happen.
his hands squeeze. thumbs a little tight in his grip, but it's not painful, it's just - holding him there. squishes his cheeks as he holds him onto this plane of fucking reality. ] Whether you trust me or not - and you really shouldn't - I'm not going to serve you up to some asshole on a silver platter, and I'm not touching any of that with a ten foot pole. I don't have a death wish. I'm not an idiot.
[ second of all, yeah. no! therion does not want to die. he doesn't know how to get that through to jiaoqiu, but then again, maybe he hasn't done a great job at showing it? or maybe he has. maybe the dislocation of that bite in his shoulder was a sign of it, that he'd sooner break his own bones than let someone or something kill him. he's scrabbled too hard for his own life, and he's a selfish little creature that wants to live it. maybe if he shakes that into jiaoqiu, subconsciously, i'm not trying to be another gravestone then maybe he can cement him to this earth.
and that's - that's a scary thought, too. it hits him like a ton of bricks, because the realization of the base level of what made him react this way, the reason he even said it, is i'm not going to disappear and slip out of your hands, and that's fucking terrifying. sure, he got offended on his own behalf for his survival instinct, but the rest of it?
he sucks in a breath. it's too late now, the words are out of his mouth. it's just like last night. jiaoqiu wanted to offer this to him and now - now some part of him wants to fight for it. small as it is, selfish as it is. so - so therion doesn't let go, even if he thinks he should, even if he should just run away. ]
[ he's not expecting it for whatever reason - but it does startle the nothing right out of him. therion takes his face in hands and jiaoqiu's gold eyes open more than their usual slits, meeting his gaze with a surprised look of his own. jiaoqiu stops in his tracks, and his plates clatter and then just. get deposited somewhere else. unimportant. they don't matter, when therion is in his face like this.
it does as it's intended. it keeps him tethered. and it digs under his skin and it keeps him awake, keeps his blood pumping, keeps the gold from turning grey. it has him paying attention enough to hear therion get all that out of him, get offended. it shouldn't make him laugh, but it does. not hard, just a little huff of a sound, because god, does he know therion doesn't want to die. he can see the way therion claws his right to exist right through the air itself. it's so different from how jiaoqiu lives his day to day. maybe that's what he's attracted. a moth to a flame, entranced by something so bright and stubborn.
very carefully, he brings his hands up and rests them over the top of therion's. doesn't try to dislodge them, just holds. ]
... You misunderstand me. I don't think you'd serve me up on a silver platter, Therion, and I know you don't want to die. It's exactly because of that - if you ever couldn't get away from him, I'd caution you to never mention me because he would hurt you so much worse if he knew that I care about you.
[ which maybe is predictable - i don't want you to get hurt because of me - but he's never said he wasn't.
silence, for a moment. he can see that therion is struggling with something, but it just... does not occur to him that therion is telling him he doesn't want to go. for all the things that therion might fall short at, jiaoqiu matches him pace for pace. it's so difficult for him to crawl past the mindset of being wind trying to give itself form, of having significance to someone or something else past a bargaining tool. therion is offended that jiaoqiu insinuated he has a death wish, that's all. that makes sense. ]
I do trust you. You can't change my mind on that, either, I'm sorry.
[ he wouldn't say anything. he doesn't finish the sentence, for a moment caught up in his own head about the entire situation, starting and stopping like an old car. he can't express it properly, that him caring about him is exactly why he'd never drop his name like that. that keeping jiaoqiu as far away from his terrible fucking life as possible is almost a prerequisite to allowing these things to happen. even before the tumultuous emotions of the past few days, that was still the case.
he cuts himself off with a little growl, the noise annoyed, though mostly at himself. and. well. partially at jiaoqiu, who is an absolute fucking idiot for trusting him. (as if he had not just proved more or less that he'd literally rather skitter off the face of the planet than put jiaoqiu in harm's way. as if last night the thing that nearly made him bolt was the fact that he thought he caused him pain.)
he stares at jiaoqiu, just. stares at him, intense, still, scowling, and like. shakes his face a little? and mutters: ] Have some fucking self worth.
[ christ. no!!! that does annoy him!!! have some self worth!!!!! realize that he'd never fucking mention you in the first place you stupid pink fuck!!!! god!!! this time he does squish his cheeks a little because now he's trapped here and the idea that he's just out here saying he doesn't matter and thinking therion would just like, throw him under the bus or mention his name for some stupid asinine reason is annoying!!!! ]
[ his face is getting squished and shaken and he's kind of just like :nyeh: about it, but.
there's a pause, as jiaoqiu kind of just... watches him. like he's trying to figure him out, like he's really paying attention. trying to read what it is that's going on here. have some self worth, therion says, and like, yes. he probably should. but it clearly bothers therion that he doesn't, and there's something about the notion that keeps kickstarting his heart. the click-click-click of a gas stove, the flickering candle, the hiss of oil in a pan.
he was so freaked out when he thought he hurt him in a way he didn't want, last night. that keeps sticking.
it's jiaoqiu's turn to struggle, because he doesn't know what to say to that. he doesn't know what to do when people point it out - he hasn't had anybody point it out in so long. he barely even thinks about it. his ear flicks, and he swallows a little hard. ]
I'm not - [ UGHH he's not angry except, maybe he is? he kind of is? he is still holding his face like a stupid idiot sandwich, he is still letting jiaoqiu rest his hands on his wrists, trying to process his own emotions and jiaoqiu's at the same time. or maybe his lack of emotions. he doesn't even know. ]
I'm annoyed. [ SQUISHES HIS CHEEKS AGAIN ] Stop thinking that I'd just fucking sell you out. [ squish! squish!!! ] God, do you think I just show up here for no reason?
[ SQUISH!!!!
therion is not very eloquent, especially when it comes to talking about emotions or feelings, and so this is all he can do for the moment. squishing his dumb fox face makes him feel kind of better about it while he gathers his words and tries to tell him that he cares also, in the clumsiest, worst way you could possibly imagine. ]
[ he laughs a little, just letting therion squish him? that's fine, he can squish, he understands the thought process of i'm going to bite until you get it because he does the same thing, it's just, y'know... ]
I don't think you'd sell me out. Really, Therion, you're making me sound heartless. I know you better than that. It isn't you that I'm afraid of.
[ it takes him a second, to really register the last thing therion says. silence, for a moment, as he gently threads his fingers through therion's, as if to suggest stop honking me, you tsundere. ]
You could tell me why you show up here. I feel as though any answer I give you will make you continue to smush my face...
Don't say "I know you better than that" and then not - understand.
[ because isn't that just the point of it all? god he's going to give up. jiaoqiu threads his fingers into his and therion's face starts to turn pink. he stops trying to squish his face, at least, but he does look like he's going to squirm his way away from this situation now as fast as possible and it is really only jiaoqiu's hands that are holding him there. ]
[ his tail flicks back and forth behind him, because no, he is not this thick, he is perhaps doing this on purpose. he has his suspicions, he can guess based on body language and by how therion is acting, but he thinks therion should use his words. ]
If I say it, you're going to try and escape out the window.
[ it's a little teasing, but it's a little like, real. ]
But perhaps I'm wrong. I won't know unless you tell me.
admitting to this is actually absolutely terrifying? he never - well. though he'd never look back at it, though he'd never admit it, the last time he had romantic feelings was for darius. hell, he'd never admitted it to himself, let alone to darius, but it was there. he'd pictured an entire life with him, no matter how short it was, just the two of them, forever living on the fringes of society, stealing everything that wasn't nailed down, living wild and fast and free and together, as partners, the definition of as thick as thieves. but it became clear as the years went on that saying so was beyond stupid. that whatever feelings he had, when he was young and stupid, were best to be kept to himself - and later, it was only proven when it all went to hell how stupid it was.
so. this is something he's fragile about. the idea of saying it goes against about every protective instinct of himself that he has. what is he doing? he stares at jiaoqiu, still trapped with his hands on his face, and there's a moment of visible uncertainty in his expression after his usual grumbling and complaining.
i trust you. i like it when you stay. terrifying, terrifying things. he's not sure if he's safe enough to even begin to look down into the abyss and say those words out loud. his cheeks flush a little further, and his fingers flex. ]
-- Read between the lines.
[ he says, instead of actually saying it, because he balks, because he's afraid of it - because he's trained himself to protect that vulnerable little piece of himself since he couldn't just rip it out of his chest, no matter how hard he tried, and tries to get himself free. ]
[ chase him, something in jiaoqiu says, when he sees that uncertainty. you have to chase him, you have to try harder, you useless thing.
but he isn't built that way. he cannot and will not force the words to come out. so instead, it's reinforcement - that this is not important enough. it won't stop him from offering his care, because he's selfish enough to take whatever he's given, but. really, it's for the best. there are so many things wrong with him that it's unfair to make therion attach himself. like adopting an elderly cat at the shelter, in hopes of giving it a decent home before it goes. like rescuing someone from a submerged car, trying to unbuckle a seatbelt with cold-numb fingers.
therion doesn't want to bring the danger from his life into jiaoqiu's apartment. he thinks of himself as a parasite, taking and taking, but for jiaoqiu, therion isn't one - it's just that jiaoqiu doesn't have enough to properly feed the need. it's nice to be cared for, to be bandaged and fed and given a bed, for a little bit of kindness, but that's what he's worth. you bite into the peach, and your teeth meet the pit immediately. there's only so much chili oil in the bottle. there's not enough good to give. it's not worth it, to salvage whatever peach flesh there is. you'd have to break the bottle entirely to get the rest of the oil out. you throw both away, in the end.
he couldn't do anything for the people he loved. all he did was become a liability. someone to die rescuing. he thinks that'll happen to therion, too. he's so close to dragging therion off that cliff with him and it's the last thing he wants to do.
and it's not that he doubts therion cares. he can see it. but jiaoqiu is fooling him into thinking that he's worth that care. it isn't fair to him, no matter how much jiaoqiu wants to give it. it isn't fair for jiaoqiu to get right up to the edge and then give up, tired. he deserves someone kinder, more stubborn, someone who can push and press and be sweet. sunshine, instead of moonlight.
read between the lines, therion says, and jiaoqiu smiles at him. it's not empty, at least. it's just net-neutral. this is as far as he can make himself bend. ]
I often do.
[ is his answer. a beat. and then, selfishly, he leans forward to kiss therion on the lips, and then the cheek, and then the forehead, and lets go of him. ]
You can wash these dishes while I go start the water for a shower, hm?
[ this response is - confusing. he doesn't know that's what jiaoqiu is thinking, he doesn't know that he's not understanding how fucking huge of a deal it is for him to give this much of himself over to another person, to curl up in his bed and stay the night, to run away and then come back. and therion hasn't given him any reason to really understand that, not really, because he can't even begin to articulate the words, so he's not any better. the neutral smile, a little mysterious, could be worse, but it's still - there's something discomforting about it, and when it's followed by the affectionate gestures it's just. there's something about it that feels like he's being catered to, no matter how wrong that is.
... does he get it? maybe he does. maybe jiaoqiu does get it, and recognizes that it's stupid, which is probably the most likely case. he doesn't know - his face is turning redder, and it could be from those kisses, but it's really a little from some kind of deeply internalized shame. he lets him pull back, and he takes a step back. fucking stupid.
there's another pause, and then he huffs and shrugs his shoulders, turning on his heel, picking up the dishes from where they were set down. ]
Yeah, yeah. [ a net neutral for a net neutral - therion's usual nonchalance and grumbling, his average huffy response to being told to do just about anything. he waves him off as he turns to head for the kitchen - that vulnerability gets slammed away, the key to the door locked and thrown out into traffic where it belongs.
he hates remembering when darius was right. sentimental berk. and somewhere under his skin, the itch to run, to leave, to ruin crawls back up again, but therion pushes it back and away, and uses the cold water of the sink - not hot, if jiaoqiu's about to shower, he's not going to use all the hot water, even now, no matter how nice hot water is - as a brisk reminder of reality.
therion rolls the sleeves of his sweatshirt out of his way as he stares at the dishes of a meal for two, and goes to scrub them clean. give a meal, get clean dishes. equivalency and exchange.]
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no subject
anyway,
he gets a scowl over pouting. rude? and therion pinches him in the side for it, but he'll answer his question, nonchalant as ever. ]
Fine. [ why wouldn't it be. it's like a little sore but he's so distantly unaware of any pain in his body that he doesn't care about it. ] Not really any different than yesterday.
no subject
the pinch gets a squawk, but he's so comfortable that he doesn't dislodge himself much. he does shift a bit so he can look at whatever therion is wearing - the bandages are probably covered, but. he believes therion, is the thing, he knows that he's got crazy pain tolerance, but the thing about pain is that it's supposed to tell you when something is wrong. jiaoqiu knows this so very, very well. he's had to be careful, over the years, because the senses he has that tell him things are wrong are broken.
a beat. ]
When I'm finished, I'd like to check. You shouldn't get your stitches soaked, but you can wet them a little, if you'd like to join me in the shower.
[ ear flick. ]
We will see if I get around to washing my sheets.
no subject
he shrugs his good shoulder, though, in agreement. a shower sounds fine, though he's kind of comfortable at the moment. not that he'd admit it. ]
Thought you'd nag me out of the shower if I went in alone. [ "don't get them wet" "don't climb buildings" god it's like jiaoqiu doesn't want him to do anything!!!!!
the comment about the sheets gets an eyebrow raise in response, too, but he doesn't say anything about it because he doesn't have to. mr clean and his animal instincts, huh... ]
no subject
If you will not take care of your injuries, then it falls to me to do so.
[ he says, taking another bite of his eggs. anyway, he'd made that comment because he thinks there is a decent chance that they'll end up rolling around in bed again. but as he's eating, he sort of drifts in a memory, with his head resting against therion's shoulder, his arm wrapped around him loosely.
a little hesitantly, like he's not sure if it's... okay, or if he should: ]
Moze used to scold me for waiting so long to change my bed sheets. I really should do it more often.
[ it's a bit of a trust exercise. things he'd never talk about, things he probably shouldn't talk about to therion specifically, but - offering a little of his past, some vulnerability, a little of what hurts him. ]
no subject
anyway that's a fair enough comment - he rolls his eyes but doesn't say more about it. that's how they met, after all, with jiaoqiu cornering him into accepting actual medical treatment. he thinks that jiaoqiu is just going to ramble again at first, and he is, as always, perfectly comfortable to meld into silence. it's sort of what he's used to? and he just kind of closes his eyes and stays there.
...but. well. he's stupid sometimes, but he's not that stupid. the hesitance of that casual namedrop is enough, and his eyes flutter open again, looking up at the ceiling. he thinks, incorrectly, about when i was still trying to figure out what made me feel alive - because therion never had good relationships, and so of course the worst comes first, but he doesn't say anything about it.
instead, he just asks, quiet. neutral: ] ... Moze? [ and reaches back out to that hesitance to let him talk, if he wants to. ]
no subject
My... [ he starts, and immediately gets stuck. what was moze, to him? friend? yes. lover - sometimes, but it seems ridiculous to call him his boyfriend. that wasn't ever what it was. what do you call codependency between three people? not a relationship, not really. he clears his throat. ] We worked together as General Feixiao's retainers. Her left and right hands.
[ he busies himself with his plate. ]
You remember that I stayed long enough because I had a question. [ before, when they were talking about recovering from nearly dying. ] The answer was that despite all my clever plans, both he and the General still died.
Talk about useless, hm?
[ he finishes his eggs. ]
no subject
and it's - complicated. it's so complicated. therion's bad enough with emotions, let alone grief. even worse than that, in this case, his initial reaction isn't as sympathetic as it should be, but at least it's internalized, and with his face turned up to the ceiling, it's even harder to read.
that's what happens, when you lean too much on others. that's what happens, when you care too much. when you get too involved with other people, bad things happen. they hurt you, or they betray you, whether they mean to or not. he knows that's unfair, but he thinks it anyway, and he thinks about the miserable shell of a person sitting in front of the gravestones, and closes his eyes.
therion is quiet for a long, long moment as jiaoqiu finishes off with that last, self-depreciating comment. ]
... People die. [ he says, eventually, his voice dropping low. ] Not your fault.
[ he could probably phrase this in a softer way if he was a better person, but he's not. he has to say the harsh thing, usually in the most unfortunate way possible. he doesn't know the full circumstance, or if jiaoqiu would tell him, even, but there's nothing about this story that suggests anything that's jiaoqiu's fault. he can't call that useless. ]
What was your question?
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people die. it's not your fault. therion's right, it wasn't his fault, but it ruined him nonetheless.
he doesn't seem to mind the harsh words. were it anybody else, maybe he'd shut off, but he knows therion so well by now. if he were to get angry every time therion didn't know how to be better at comfort, they would not be in this apartment, together. and, besides that, he doesn't expect therion to comfort him. he doesn't deserve it, first of all, but second of all, this wasn't a bid for pity. maybe it's just a little bit of insight.
as for the question: ]
Oh - was what I did worth it. [ he says idly. ] If they had survived, it would've been.
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his harshness doesn't come from a place of cruelty, not really. therion's softer than he seems, no matter how much he puts his sharp, harsh front forwards, and he doesn't immediately dismiss what jiaoqiu says or what he went through no matter how he sees it. he needs to know the full story, anyway. his tone stays neutral, but he's clearly listening, clearly - observing him, too.]
... How soon after did it happen? [ after jiaoqiu went blind, at least. ]
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he fiddles with his plate. ]
After I went blind? Immediately. [ he says, and he is so desperately trying to not let the void creep in. therion reacted so poorly to it, the night before. he doesn't want to ruin this. but it's lurking, watching. waiting for his guard to slip. ]
I woke up blind, and they told me that Feixiao and Moze both had fallen to the borisin. Hoolay, was his name. You may have heard of him.
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well - yeah. he knows that name. therion frowns. ]
... Shit.
[ sometimes, well, shit is really all you can really say in the face of that, because. yeah, of course therion knows hoolay, because he's infamous like therion is infamous, whispered names in shady corners, places shot up with illegitimacy. that's someone he has kept a wide, wide berth from, because he doesn't fuck around in places that can get him killed if he doesn't have to, because he doesn't deal in anything but trying to survive. he's not heard of him around this city in a while, but that doesn't mean anything, not with the long lived types.
so, that name is enough to tell the story. he doesn't know why a general of some kind got involved with that clown, but he can guess. and coming back to jiaoqiu - that he'd done so much to survive, only for the people to disappear in the end, making it all futile, it's...
it tells him what he thinks is true - that those attachments are what gets you pain. one way or another, by death or by betrayal, that's all it ever brings. he wants to run, but he doesn't. i like it when you stay. he bites back every normal awful thing he says for a second, and looks down at him out of the corner of his visible eye. ]
When?
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[ another pause. and he swallows hard, and moves to get up. he needs to put his plate away. therion's too. he has to keep his apartment clean because the person who used to isn't around anymore. he'd never seen this one, though. he'd died a long time before jiaoqiu found his way here. he can barely even remember what his old apartment looked like, when he lived on the xianzhou.
he picks up the plates and he starts to crawl out of therion's lap. ]
You'll want to stay away from him. Hoolay, I mean. I'm sure that you know. [ ... ] But if you ever do run across him, be so very careful to never mention me.
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it's. kind of an idiot sandwich grab? but no one's ever accused him of being gentle, either. the look in his eyes is intense, but it's different than last night. ]
Why the fuck would I say anything? [ that, first, because the idea of bringing his life anywhere near jiaoqiu's doorstep is - absolutely insane, first of all, and it makes him feel terrible in a way he can't even describe, in a what a stupid fucking thing to say kind of way, but also because - because he's already bad enough, because the last thing he needs is for some other thief to show up, some phantom figure from therion's life looking to take something out on him because he's made (again, that stupid word) he's made an attachment. why the fuck would he let that happen.
his hands squeeze. thumbs a little tight in his grip, but it's not painful, it's just - holding him there. squishes his cheeks as he holds him onto this plane of fucking reality. ] Whether you trust me or not - and you really shouldn't - I'm not going to serve you up to some asshole on a silver platter, and I'm not touching any of that with a ten foot pole. I don't have a death wish. I'm not an idiot.
[ second of all, yeah. no! therion does not want to die. he doesn't know how to get that through to jiaoqiu, but then again, maybe he hasn't done a great job at showing it? or maybe he has. maybe the dislocation of that bite in his shoulder was a sign of it, that he'd sooner break his own bones than let someone or something kill him. he's scrabbled too hard for his own life, and he's a selfish little creature that wants to live it. maybe if he shakes that into jiaoqiu, subconsciously, i'm not trying to be another gravestone then maybe he can cement him to this earth.
and that's - that's a scary thought, too. it hits him like a ton of bricks, because the realization of the base level of what made him react this way, the reason he even said it, is i'm not going to disappear and slip out of your hands, and that's fucking terrifying. sure, he got offended on his own behalf for his survival instinct, but the rest of it?
he sucks in a breath. it's too late now, the words are out of his mouth. it's just like last night. jiaoqiu wanted to offer this to him and now - now some part of him wants to fight for it. small as it is, selfish as it is. so - so therion doesn't let go, even if he thinks he should, even if he should just run away. ]
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it does as it's intended. it keeps him tethered. and it digs under his skin and it keeps him awake, keeps his blood pumping, keeps the gold from turning grey. it has him paying attention enough to hear therion get all that out of him, get offended. it shouldn't make him laugh, but it does. not hard, just a little huff of a sound, because god, does he know therion doesn't want to die. he can see the way therion claws his right to exist right through the air itself. it's so different from how jiaoqiu lives his day to day. maybe that's what he's attracted. a moth to a flame, entranced by something so bright and stubborn.
very carefully, he brings his hands up and rests them over the top of therion's. doesn't try to dislodge them, just holds. ]
... You misunderstand me. I don't think you'd serve me up on a silver platter, Therion, and I know you don't want to die. It's exactly because of that - if you ever couldn't get away from him, I'd caution you to never mention me because he would hurt you so much worse if he knew that I care about you.
[ which maybe is predictable - i don't want you to get hurt because of me - but he's never said he wasn't.
silence, for a moment. he can see that therion is struggling with something, but it just... does not occur to him that therion is telling him he doesn't want to go. for all the things that therion might fall short at, jiaoqiu matches him pace for pace. it's so difficult for him to crawl past the mindset of being wind trying to give itself form, of having significance to someone or something else past a bargaining tool. therion is offended that jiaoqiu insinuated he has a death wish, that's all. that makes sense. ]
I do trust you. You can't change my mind on that, either, I'm sorry.
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[ he wouldn't say anything. he doesn't finish the sentence, for a moment caught up in his own head about the entire situation, starting and stopping like an old car. he can't express it properly, that him caring about him is exactly why he'd never drop his name like that. that keeping jiaoqiu as far away from his terrible fucking life as possible is almost a prerequisite to allowing these things to happen. even before the tumultuous emotions of the past few days, that was still the case.
he cuts himself off with a little growl, the noise annoyed, though mostly at himself. and. well. partially at jiaoqiu, who is an absolute fucking idiot for trusting him. (as if he had not just proved more or less that he'd literally rather skitter off the face of the planet than put jiaoqiu in harm's way. as if last night the thing that nearly made him bolt was the fact that he thought he caused him pain.)
he stares at jiaoqiu, just. stares at him, intense, still, scowling, and like. shakes his face a little? and mutters: ] Have some fucking self worth.
[ christ. no!!! that does annoy him!!! have some self worth!!!!! realize that he'd never fucking mention you in the first place you stupid pink fuck!!!! god!!! this time he does squish his cheeks a little because now he's trapped here and the idea that he's just out here saying he doesn't matter and thinking therion would just like, throw him under the bus or mention his name for some stupid asinine reason is annoying!!!! ]
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there's a pause, as jiaoqiu kind of just... watches him. like he's trying to figure him out, like he's really paying attention. trying to read what it is that's going on here. have some self worth, therion says, and like, yes. he probably should. but it clearly bothers therion that he doesn't, and there's something about the notion that keeps kickstarting his heart. the click-click-click of a gas stove, the flickering candle, the hiss of oil in a pan.
he was so freaked out when he thought he hurt him in a way he didn't want, last night. that keeps sticking.
it's jiaoqiu's turn to struggle, because he doesn't know what to say to that. he doesn't know what to do when people point it out - he hasn't had anybody point it out in so long. he barely even thinks about it. his ear flicks, and he swallows a little hard. ]
You're angry at me.
[ so he changes the subject. ]
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I'm annoyed. [ SQUISHES HIS CHEEKS AGAIN ] Stop thinking that I'd just fucking sell you out. [ squish! squish!!! ] God, do you think I just show up here for no reason?
[ SQUISH!!!!
therion is not very eloquent, especially when it comes to talking about emotions or feelings, and so this is all he can do for the moment. squishing his dumb fox face makes him feel kind of better about it while he gathers his words and tries to tell him that he cares also, in the clumsiest, worst way you could possibly imagine. ]
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I don't think you'd sell me out. Really, Therion, you're making me sound heartless. I know you better than that. It isn't you that I'm afraid of.
[ it takes him a second, to really register the last thing therion says. silence, for a moment, as he gently threads his fingers through therion's, as if to suggest stop honking me, you tsundere. ]
You could tell me why you show up here. I feel as though any answer I give you will make you continue to smush my face...
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[ because isn't that just the point of it all? god he's going to give up. jiaoqiu threads his fingers into his and therion's face starts to turn pink. he stops trying to squish his face, at least, but he does look like he's going to squirm his way away from this situation now as fast as possible and it is really only jiaoqiu's hands that are holding him there. ]
You are not this thick.
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If I say it, you're going to try and escape out the window.
[ it's a little teasing, but it's a little like, real. ]
But perhaps I'm wrong. I won't know unless you tell me.
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[ GROUSING ]
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You will not.
[ he is very sure of this and is smug about it ]
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admitting to this is actually absolutely terrifying? he never - well. though he'd never look back at it, though he'd never admit it, the last time he had romantic feelings was for darius. hell, he'd never admitted it to himself, let alone to darius, but it was there. he'd pictured an entire life with him, no matter how short it was, just the two of them, forever living on the fringes of society, stealing everything that wasn't nailed down, living wild and fast and free and together, as partners, the definition of as thick as thieves. but it became clear as the years went on that saying so was beyond stupid. that whatever feelings he had, when he was young and stupid, were best to be kept to himself - and later, it was only proven when it all went to hell how stupid it was.
so. this is something he's fragile about. the idea of saying it goes against about every protective instinct of himself that he has. what is he doing? he stares at jiaoqiu, still trapped with his hands on his face, and there's a moment of visible uncertainty in his expression after his usual grumbling and complaining.
i trust you. i like it when you stay. terrifying, terrifying things. he's not sure if he's safe enough to even begin to look down into the abyss and say those words out loud. his cheeks flush a little further, and his fingers flex. ]
-- Read between the lines.
[ he says, instead of actually saying it, because he balks, because he's afraid of it - because he's trained himself to protect that vulnerable little piece of himself since he couldn't just rip it out of his chest, no matter how hard he tried, and tries to get himself free. ]
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but he isn't built that way. he cannot and will not force the words to come out. so instead, it's reinforcement - that this is not important enough. it won't stop him from offering his care, because he's selfish enough to take whatever he's given, but. really, it's for the best. there are so many things wrong with him that it's unfair to make therion attach himself. like adopting an elderly cat at the shelter, in hopes of giving it a decent home before it goes. like rescuing someone from a submerged car, trying to unbuckle a seatbelt with cold-numb fingers.
therion doesn't want to bring the danger from his life into jiaoqiu's apartment. he thinks of himself as a parasite, taking and taking, but for jiaoqiu, therion isn't one - it's just that jiaoqiu doesn't have enough to properly feed the need. it's nice to be cared for, to be bandaged and fed and given a bed, for a little bit of kindness, but that's what he's worth. you bite into the peach, and your teeth meet the pit immediately. there's only so much chili oil in the bottle. there's not enough good to give. it's not worth it, to salvage whatever peach flesh there is. you'd have to break the bottle entirely to get the rest of the oil out. you throw both away, in the end.
he couldn't do anything for the people he loved. all he did was become a liability. someone to die rescuing. he thinks that'll happen to therion, too. he's so close to dragging therion off that cliff with him and it's the last thing he wants to do.
and it's not that he doubts therion cares. he can see it. but jiaoqiu is fooling him into thinking that he's worth that care. it isn't fair to him, no matter how much jiaoqiu wants to give it. it isn't fair for jiaoqiu to get right up to the edge and then give up, tired. he deserves someone kinder, more stubborn, someone who can push and press and be sweet. sunshine, instead of moonlight.
read between the lines, therion says, and jiaoqiu smiles at him. it's not empty, at least. it's just net-neutral. this is as far as he can make himself bend. ]
I often do.
[ is his answer. a beat. and then, selfishly, he leans forward to kiss therion on the lips, and then the cheek, and then the forehead, and lets go of him. ]
You can wash these dishes while I go start the water for a shower, hm?
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... does he get it? maybe he does. maybe jiaoqiu does get it, and recognizes that it's stupid, which is probably the most likely case. he doesn't know - his face is turning redder, and it could be from those kisses, but it's really a little from some kind of deeply internalized shame. he lets him pull back, and he takes a step back. fucking stupid.
there's another pause, and then he huffs and shrugs his shoulders, turning on his heel, picking up the dishes from where they were set down. ]
Yeah, yeah. [ a net neutral for a net neutral - therion's usual nonchalance and grumbling, his average huffy response to being told to do just about anything. he waves him off as he turns to head for the kitchen - that vulnerability gets slammed away, the key to the door locked and thrown out into traffic where it belongs.
he hates remembering when darius was right. sentimental berk. and somewhere under his skin, the itch to run, to leave, to ruin crawls back up again, but therion pushes it back and away, and uses the cold water of the sink - not hot, if jiaoqiu's about to shower, he's not going to use all the hot water, even now, no matter how nice hot water is - as a brisk reminder of reality.
therion rolls the sleeves of his sweatshirt out of his way as he stares at the dishes of a meal for two, and goes to scrub them clean. give a meal, get clean dishes. equivalency and exchange.]
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