[ it needs to be established before anything, that the first thing therion does is just squish his stupid face in his hand when he makes this joke, looking like kill bill sirens are going off levels of angry, though again, despite the fact that he looks like he might bite jiaoqiu's head off, he never actually would, as he just growls - ]
[ maybe this is the right way to go about this, because now he's annoyed? he's annoyed, and sometimes therion's temper gets the best of him in the way his hubris so often does, which means it suddenly becomes a whole lot easier to just say things when he stops thinking about them.
instead, he does not let go of his face and starts to go on a tirade, flustered and annoyed and embarrassed and having a lot of feelings and only one way to express them. therion wants to shake him. ]
Don't you dare fall into that fucking pity hole, I wasn't even here, I wasn't even planning on coming for at least another week, and then you sent that, do you get that -- [ a beat ] - and if you take that as something you should feel guilty for, I swear to god, I will fucking kill you.
[ nice. extremely eloquent, as usual, therion!!! he continues right on without giving him any time to recover from that though his hold does soften some so he's just holding his face like an idiot sandwich now as opposed to actively squishing it. ]
[ this is so funny, jiaoqiu is kind of just like, bemused? he doesn't quite know what to do with having therion yell at him, like. he's not upset at all, and he's not intimidated or frightened. unfortunately, he thinks that therion getting annoyed is cute, because therion gets so fucking mad at him for not caring about himself, and that in and of itself is how therion shows he cares about him. he knows that much. but i love you left on read is such a barrier, and he can't help it.
he does, in fact, sort of feel guilty that therion came back for him, but he doesn't say it because he's pretty sure therion will yank his ears off if he lets that slip. a beat. ]
I don't know. I'm not a mind reader.
[ he says, mildly. why the hell did he show up? to stop him from slipping into the void, he assumes. because he cares, because he doesn't want jiaoqiu to drift, but... ]
alright! fine!!! the words are coming out before he can stop them!! and in fact, this time he does give him a shake by the face, because it is so frustrating, because he thinks it's so obvious, and once again, his temper gets the better of him as he just -- ]
Because I feel the same way, you fucking idiot!
[ GOD!!! another little shake, as he continues to more or less rant his way through this. ] I came all the way out here to make sure you weren't just - saying it because you were drunk, and apparently you weren't, so - - good! Great! Fan-fucking-tastic.
[ great. cool.
it occurs to him what he's just done about a second later - therion's hands twitch where he's holding them on his face, and his visible eye goes slightly round and stunned as the steam starts to clear off, and he very abruptly snaps his mouth shut. oh. shit. ]
it absolutely startles the hell out of him. it's a lot to take in at once, being yelled at, being affectionately yelled at, because that's what this is. he can't exactly say that he's surprised that therion is confessing to him by angrily shaking him by the face. that seems right. if he was ever going to picture a scenario where this happened, it probably would involve a lot more yelling than just this, even.
that's a whole lot of thinking to try and stall the fact that he just said he feels the same. jiaoqiu flushes red when he realizes it, and for a very long five seconds, he stares at therion. his bright green eye and his mortified look, and jiaoqiu thinks, no, don't run - it's okay, don't run. he drops his phone, and brings his hands up to cover therion's, pressing his fingers between therion's, loosely lacing them over where he holds jiaoqiu's face. stay.
and then, a little hoarsely, small: ]
... Oh. Okay.
[ which is - stupid, he thinks, what the fuck even is that response. he pauses for just a second before cutting therion off from whatever he might be planning to say with a kiss. easy, gentle, chaste. that's... a little better. ]
[ jiaoqiu's exactly right in that therion is going to run. he realizes three milliseconds afterwards what came out of his mouth, and his first emotion is not elation or joy, it's absolute, downright, terror, immediately smothered in shame. embarrassment, sure, considering his entire face is turning scarlet red, but worse, shame. stupid. why would you say that? why the hell would you just put that out there? sentimental, stupid little tea leaf.
sometimes, in these moments, the voice in therion's head takes on a different accent - a reminder he tried to scrub free from his subconscious to no avail. the five seconds of silence are the most damning, awful feeling in the world, and he's about to fucking bolt when jiaoqiu drops his phone. the noise startles him - if he was a cat, he'd be poofed and prickly - but before he can even react, he's being held in place. therion is as tense as a strung wire, completely unmoving, caught by the hands that are holding him in place.
oh, okay. that's all he has to say? oh okay? oh my god. it's a mix of just - that same horror and shame mixed with something hysterical, a fucking really of emotions, and he's not even sure what he's going to say, except "haha just kidding" which is stupid beyond all reason and a lie, but it all gets smothered when he kisses him.
he deflates, and all the words get cut off with a soft - ] Mmft.
[ he holds therion's hands tightly against his face, and when he pulls away to speak, he doesn't go far. ]
Stay. Stay, please.
[ he says, a little pleading. don't try to get away, he wants to just - settle this, he wants to make them both understand. he's retired, but he was a strategist, once. not having all the answers drives him nuts, and he's got all the pieces here, he just has to place them. he has to take therion's hand and make him place his pieces, too. they can't skitter away from this, it's all out and he wants answers, he wants - well. he wants therion.
and he wants them to not be scared. god, he wants. it's still a marvel.
he presses his forehead against therion's, eyes closed, stroking therion's hands with his thumbs. ]
I love you.
[ sober. hungover, but sober, he says it, and it's the scariest thing he's done in his entire life. he shakes with it, breath unsteady. there's so much that could go wrong - not just therion getting spooked but the whole world could just revolt. it's been so long since he's been happy and it feels like if he lets himself, if he's selfish like this, it'll endeavor to steal it from him.
but he can't just let this moment pass. so. there it is, plain and exhausted and vulnerable. ]
jiaoqiu tells him to stay, and - he does. he doesn't bolt, or make a shitty comment. he knows "stay, please" means more than just "stay here, in this moment". he knows it means don't leave all of this, from this conversation to this life. it'd be so easy to just cut and run away, to take boltcutters to one of the only good things he's ever known. therion doesn't make good choices for himself. he runs, keeps the entire world at an arm's length, through biting, snapping teeth and frosty receptions, just like he'd done the very first night they met. and he's tried to run before, too, and he's stopped.
("you look happier, mr. therion." cordelia had said. like it was so obvious on his face, because - because he is happier, and admitting that is just as hard as admitting anything else. is it okay, for him to be happier? is it alright? will the world collapse in on itself - will it all go horribly wrong?)
he's still, as jiaoqiu leans into his space - as he strokes at his hands, he can hear therion take in a soft, shaky breath, as he shuts his eyes tight in the intimacy of it as if he was facing down a great ledge.
and the thing is, when jiaoqiu says it again, he doesn't just feel afraid - if he just felt afraid, that would be the end of it. no, it's this desperate warmth that fills the cavity of his chest until it might explode, this incredibly bright, cloying feeling of love, something so overwhelming that it makes it hard for him to breathe with how bad he needs to hear it, how bad he wants it, too. how he'd jumped out of a fucking train to get here, to make sure jiaoqiu meant it. and now, in the light of day, he brings it back up.
his eyes open again. he looks at jiaoqiu - really, really looks at him, his brow knit together, visible eye round, a tremor in his jaw, like a wounded creature in a trap, where the door was held o pen and all he has to do is take the steps and leave. and he can't - he can't, he can't say it again, not without the armor of his temper or the thought that jiaoqiu might not be present, not when he's thinking about betrayal and trust and hurt and all the things that dog his heels.
he sucks in a breath, again. sharper, this time, loud enough to be heard. holds it. a long beat passes.
and he says, slowly, so quiet it's just for jiaoqiu's ears and no one else's, that someone else without his capabilities wouldn't know: ] ...I believe it.
[ he believes it. he does. he couldn't say that last night - couldn't muster the strength. so maybe this is growth, maybe this is his version of steady, that slowly, he lets himself learn how to be loved. it's clumsy. awkward. angry and sharp edged, sometimes, and it fails, sometimes, too, but his progress in the year and change they've known each other has been a desperate, scrabbling march forward, crawling on his belly towards trust once more.
he swallows, hard, after he says it, and closes his eyes again - therion's clever fingers flex against jiaoqiu's cheeks where they're being held, and the hold softens altogether, something cradling, something a little desperate instead of mad, frustrated or annoyed. don't go echoes in stereo. ]
[ therion had said - he'd been on the way somewhere else, he thinks, in the rush of all of this. he'd changed tracks to come get an answer, and he doesn't know what that entails. it must've been sudden. he doesn't know that therion jumped off a train to get here, but he knows that therion was going to be gone for longer and then he came back, because he needed to hear it, and jiaoqiu can give him that. he can give him every piece he's got until he's empty.
he stays. and jiaoqiu wishes that he could say it, that he could hear the words, but he knows that therion doesn't have the ability to do that, and he might just have to be okay with that. it's growth. this is so much better than he used to be, and it's leaps and bounds better than jiaoqiu used to be. and he is smart enough, he is clever enough, to know that love can't fix everything all at once. it's always time that does. he can see in the way that therion looks at him, in the way that he tentatively holds out his heart, that therion wants to try, and jiaoqiu is not very good at this and he doesn't know how to take care without ripping himself apart, but he wants to try, too.
i believe you, therion says, and jiaoqiu believes him - both that he knows jiaoqiu means it, and that he feels the same way.
he's quiet for a little bit, resting his face against therion's hands, turning to nuzzle at them. he's shaky and strung out on adrenaline, his head hurts and he's cold and a little uncertain, but therion is here with him and they're both desperately trying to meet each other, as awkward as they are. that feels good. it's not perfect, but it doesn't have to be. ]
Therion.
[ he says, finally, voice very soft, barely above a whisper. ]
I don't want to... drag you down with me. [ a hard swallow. ] I am an anchor, and if I'm not careful I will sink you to the bottom of the ocean.
[ it's just something he worries about. therion deserves to be free, to go wherever he wants, and jiaoqiu would let him go if he couldn't handle that. therion doesn't need to be trapped in the quicksand with him if he doesn't want to. but - the way this comes off, it's not so much of a warning as much it is a question: do you love me even though I'm broken? ]
[ slowly, as the moment passes, some of the initial stress levels start to come down. he thinks it might be over - the emotional tangle in his chest loosens, with trepidation. jiaoqiu had already figured out that he believed him. it was just a matter of saying it. it feels stupid, now, to make a big deal of it, like a bad hangover in its own right. maybe he can talk himself out of how much that meant to him, but it's unlikely.
in the quieter moments, sometimes, he lets himself reflect on it. you look happier. life does feel a little... it feels better. it's amazing - how didn't realize how lonely he was, and he might never realize it, or at least might not ever say it out loud, or even allow himself to look the concept in the face, but it's true. and if jiaoqiu says that he brings color to his life, then maybe for therion, it's a warmth, a heat that he was always craving, a malnourished, cold thief that's never been satisfied.
but right now, he doesn't - and thankfully, it's jiaoqiu, already vulnerable, who takes another unsteady step forward among this bramble-lined pathway. therion's eyes flutter back open when he says his name, and he regards him as he describes, in that quiet voice, himself as an anchor. and it's not to say that therion hasn't thought it, before, but not in the way jiaoqiu might think. only back when this all first started. when they first arrived to sunshade. but every second that he's thought it, he's been rebuffed. when he returned today, it wasn't because he felt forced to take care of jiaoqiu. it was because he wanted to hear what he had to say.
after a long, long moment, he sighs.
his hands are still on jiaoqiu's face, so, this time, when he squishes it again, it's very gentle. almost like a necessary gesture, a routine, and he looks at him, a frown on his face, brows furrowed, but it's more rueful than it is ready to just agree. ]
Yeah? [ sink him to the bottom of the ocean. there's this edge to therion's voice - a hint of his usual confidence, assured. unafraid. ] I'd like to see you try.
[ deadweight, jiaoqiu said. i just have to throw you off this here cliff, and all my problems are solved. despite every awful thing therion says and often thinks about himself, argues up and down that he is someone who uses other people, just like darius used him, it's not anywhere close to the truth. ]
Takes a lot to pull me down off of anything. [ in fact, it is tacitly something therion refuses. ] You're still here for a reason. So am I.
[ so once again, in not so many words, i'm not going anywhere. or an answer to jiaoqiu's question: a yes. ]
[ the silence has jiaoqiu's ears pressed back, twitching. but - therion answers him. and it's a good answer, it's a relief, and jiaoqiu is going to have to tell himself this every day, he's going to have to try and remember it when things get bad. but. it hasn't been so hard. still here for a reason - yeah. yeah, he is. he likes life here. he likes working for primrose and he likes the people who come through, and he likes it when therion comes home.
he'd almost said it earlier, even. welcome home.
it'll take time for therion to get more comfortable, to get to a point where he can trust enough to give in entirely, and it'll take time for jiaoqiu to let go of the hangups about being useless, purposeless. but they're moving. it's not stagnant. jiaoqiu can remember every hour of every day of the last few weeks and that means something. it isn't all fixed just because of this, but it's better. they're happier. lighter. it's not hard to tell that jiaoqiu's life has gotten so much more full, with therion around. he's not a corpse dragging himself to work and bed, over and over. he's not so alone anymore.
there's something like relief on his face, when therion tells him in so many words that he's not going anywhere. maybe a tinge desperate. like it means so very much to him to know that therion doesn't think of him as a burden.
carefully, jiaoqiu lets go of therion's hands, and reaches. curls his fingers into the front of therion's shirt, and tugs him a little. come here. if therion goes, jiaoqiu wraps him up in a hug, warm and solid. rests his hand on therion's neck, like always, protective, and presses a kiss to the side of therion's head. just here, in a heap on the floor. ]
[ he lets jiaoqiu let go of him, and he doesn't flee. for a second, therion doesn't really know what to do with his hands - they're still on jiaoqiu's face, and he starts to pull them up very slowly, hesitating in the air. for someone who loves to take, in a moment like this, it's hard to reach out and grab onto what you want. for someone who has never known tenderness, attempting to reach for it feels awkward and beyond your abilities.
thankfully, jiaoqiu solves that problem. he pulls him, and therion goes along with it, and the next thing he knows he's being hugged. the gesture is warm and soft and like being pulled into a warm bath, and he takes a breath in and holds it - like almost always, it takes him time. he comes down in notches, relaxes bit by bit. the skin at the back of his neck under his hair is hot to the touch, flushed red, but the hand there is grounding in ways he won't admit to, either. slowly, bit by bit, he exhales out - and then lets his eyes close, and slowly plunks his face into jiaoqiu's shoulder in this stupid heap. the cool, relaxed facade wobbles, here, face buried in relative safety.
curled up like this on the floor, this all feels even more ridiculous. he makes a soft noise, a long moment after the kiss. maybe a laugh, definitely sardonic, mostly at himself.
and then, because therion just needs to make stupid little commentary in order to feel normal, he mutters: ]
Send a dick pic like a normal person, next time. God.
[ that - makes him laugh, and he hides it in therion's hair, squeezing him a little more tightly. ]
That would not have made you come home early. But noted. [ he teases, running his fingers through therion's hair. ] You're welcome to the real thing now, you know.
[ it puts him at ease. makes things a little less awkward. therion relaxes into his hold, and jiaoqiu relaxes too, closing his eyes. breathes him in, buries himself in it. he'd said it while drunk - the pillows had stopped smelling like therion and it bothered him, so this is a relief, to get his scent back in his nose. appeases the dumb foxian instincts. his tail wraps around therion, too.
they should get up off the floor, but the adrenaline is running out and he's still hungover, so he just gives up and slumps against therion, petting him absently. ]
[ he is correct, he absolutely would not have come back for that. this was a much more seismic event but at least the joking around makes him feel more natural, too - slowly, all those anxious rattles settle into something small and warm and safe, a tiny ember cupped carefully in a pair or gentle hands.
though!!! that comment makes therion snort and give him a baleful look from where he's half tucked up against him, so jiaoqiu can see when he rolls his eyes. ] And risk you throwing up on me? Pass.
[ you and your hangover!!! as jiaoqiu slumps against him though, he shakes his head, and eventually just settles back in place. heap on the floor it is. ]
I wouldn't. It's out of my system. [ now it's just a headache and the gross grimy stomach feeling. he peeks down at him when he looks up with a little hum, ear flicking. a beat, and then he goes back to petting therion's hair again, running his fingers through it rhythmically. ]
I'll welcome you back tomorrow properly.
[ he jokes lightly, closing his eyes. he's enjoying therion just giving in and letting him cuddle. he doesn't always get clingy - there are days where he actively dodges touch, but today all he wants to do is indulge in the things that relax him. like this. after a moment: ]
... Will you be staying for a while? Or are you going back out?
[ oh, the hair pets.... listen, he would never say it, but that soft, rhythmic touch is really, really nice? and though he snorts, he's absolutely just letting jiaoqiu cuddle him, and kind of soaking it in a little, too.
it's a very strange thing to just allow himself to have - therion doesn't even realize how touch starved he is, and just chalks it up to the fact that he's too lazy to get up, or maybe just too tired from what has to be an adrenaline crash, not the fact that he's curled up here and doesn't want to move for a while.
which. the question comes, and therion's eyes open where he's settled, again. ]
...Dunno. [ a shrug. casual. ] Got some stuff to pawn off. Didn't really have any other plans.
[ he doesn't react! mostly. he is totally given away by his tail wriggling.
but he's so cool and collected and totally fine with therion staying or going so he just hums, soft, that sort of rumble-purr that he does when he's happy. totally not an enormous loser. ]
Good to know. [ murmured. ] Then... you have time to take a nap with me, and let me make you dinner, yes?
[ HELP he yelps when he gets bitten and it's very uncool, immediately swatting at jiaoqiu though it's not hard. he gets it, he gets it! if "i want to be with you" gives him an extremely uncool doki, well, whatever. ]
Fine. [ he is so put upon. ] Not really tired, but if you really need a lullaby...
[ sarcastic, of course - extremely, but it's just his usual. that and it's probably a lie, because he got maybe two hours of sleep. then again it looks like he probably hasn't actually slept properly in like, years. it's fine, ]
You're always tired. [ he murmurs, tucking therion's hair behind his ear. but he lets that go, and to make sure that the light teasing mood doesn't go away, jiaoqiu yawns directly in his face to get him to swat at him.
the gesture is small and sweet and a little embarrassing - his face is still kind of warm, and the flush at his cheeks flares again, enough that he scoffs, embarrassed, starts to look away. being known never gets less embarrassing.
that, and!!! yawning in his face does get him swatted at again, and therion makes a face, leaning backwards and away from him before he extricates himself from the floor pile, and stares down at him on the ground for a second, putting his hands on his hips. ]
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Jiaoqiu. [ BE FUCKING FOR REAL!!!!! ]
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his ear flicks, and he makes little like protesty, squished noises as therion gets at his face. ]
Stop, stop -- [ waaaaaah ] I don't know what you want from me!
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instead, he does not let go of his face and starts to go on a tirade, flustered and annoyed and embarrassed and having a lot of feelings and only one way to express them. therion wants to shake him. ]
Don't you dare fall into that fucking pity hole, I wasn't even here, I wasn't even planning on coming for at least another week, and then you sent that, do you get that -- [ a beat ] - and if you take that as something you should feel guilty for, I swear to god, I will fucking kill you.
[ nice. extremely eloquent, as usual, therion!!! he continues right on without giving him any time to recover from that though his hold does soften some so he's just holding his face like an idiot sandwich now as opposed to actively squishing it. ]
Why the hell do you think I showed up?
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he does, in fact, sort of feel guilty that therion came back for him, but he doesn't say it because he's pretty sure therion will yank his ears off if he lets that slip. a beat. ]
I don't know. I'm not a mind reader.
[ he says, mildly. why the hell did he show up? to stop him from slipping into the void, he assumes. because he cares, because he doesn't want jiaoqiu to drift, but... ]
I can only ever guess.
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alright! fine!!! the words are coming out before he can stop them!! and in fact, this time he does give him a shake by the face, because it is so frustrating, because he thinks it's so obvious, and once again, his temper gets the better of him as he just -- ]
Because I feel the same way, you fucking idiot!
[ GOD!!! another little shake, as he continues to more or less rant his way through this. ] I came all the way out here to make sure you weren't just - saying it because you were drunk, and apparently you weren't, so - - good! Great! Fan-fucking-tastic.
[ great. cool.
it occurs to him what he's just done about a second later - therion's hands twitch where he's holding them on his face, and his visible eye goes slightly round and stunned as the steam starts to clear off, and he very abruptly snaps his mouth shut. oh. shit. ]
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it absolutely startles the hell out of him. it's a lot to take in at once, being yelled at, being affectionately yelled at, because that's what this is. he can't exactly say that he's surprised that therion is confessing to him by angrily shaking him by the face. that seems right. if he was ever going to picture a scenario where this happened, it probably would involve a lot more yelling than just this, even.
that's a whole lot of thinking to try and stall the fact that he just said he feels the same. jiaoqiu flushes red when he realizes it, and for a very long five seconds, he stares at therion. his bright green eye and his mortified look, and jiaoqiu thinks, no, don't run - it's okay, don't run. he drops his phone, and brings his hands up to cover therion's, pressing his fingers between therion's, loosely lacing them over where he holds jiaoqiu's face. stay.
and then, a little hoarsely, small: ]
... Oh. Okay.
[ which is - stupid, he thinks, what the fuck even is that response. he pauses for just a second before cutting therion off from whatever he might be planning to say with a kiss. easy, gentle, chaste. that's... a little better. ]
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sometimes, in these moments, the voice in therion's head takes on a different accent - a reminder he tried to scrub free from his subconscious to no avail. the five seconds of silence are the most damning, awful feeling in the world, and he's about to fucking bolt when jiaoqiu drops his phone. the noise startles him - if he was a cat, he'd be poofed and prickly - but before he can even react, he's being held in place. therion is as tense as a strung wire, completely unmoving, caught by the hands that are holding him in place.
oh, okay. that's all he has to say? oh okay? oh my god. it's a mix of just - that same horror and shame mixed with something hysterical, a fucking really of emotions, and he's not even sure what he's going to say, except "haha just kidding" which is stupid beyond all reason and a lie, but it all gets smothered when he kisses him.
he deflates, and all the words get cut off with a soft - ] Mmft.
[ mfft. ]
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Stay. Stay, please.
[ he says, a little pleading. don't try to get away, he wants to just - settle this, he wants to make them both understand. he's retired, but he was a strategist, once. not having all the answers drives him nuts, and he's got all the pieces here, he just has to place them. he has to take therion's hand and make him place his pieces, too. they can't skitter away from this, it's all out and he wants answers, he wants - well. he wants therion.
and he wants them to not be scared. god, he wants. it's still a marvel.
he presses his forehead against therion's, eyes closed, stroking therion's hands with his thumbs. ]
I love you.
[ sober. hungover, but sober, he says it, and it's the scariest thing he's done in his entire life. he shakes with it, breath unsteady. there's so much that could go wrong - not just therion getting spooked but the whole world could just revolt. it's been so long since he's been happy and it feels like if he lets himself, if he's selfish like this, it'll endeavor to steal it from him.
but he can't just let this moment pass. so. there it is, plain and exhausted and vulnerable. ]
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jiaoqiu tells him to stay, and - he does. he doesn't bolt, or make a shitty comment. he knows "stay, please" means more than just "stay here, in this moment". he knows it means don't leave all of this, from this conversation to this life. it'd be so easy to just cut and run away, to take boltcutters to one of the only good things he's ever known. therion doesn't make good choices for himself. he runs, keeps the entire world at an arm's length, through biting, snapping teeth and frosty receptions, just like he'd done the very first night they met. and he's tried to run before, too, and he's stopped.
("you look happier, mr. therion." cordelia had said. like it was so obvious on his face, because - because he is happier, and admitting that is just as hard as admitting anything else. is it okay, for him to be happier? is it alright? will the world collapse in on itself - will it all go horribly wrong?)
he's still, as jiaoqiu leans into his space - as he strokes at his hands, he can hear therion take in a soft, shaky breath, as he shuts his eyes tight in the intimacy of it as if he was facing down a great ledge.
and the thing is, when jiaoqiu says it again, he doesn't just feel afraid - if he just felt afraid, that would be the end of it. no, it's this desperate warmth that fills the cavity of his chest until it might explode, this incredibly bright, cloying feeling of love, something so overwhelming that it makes it hard for him to breathe with how bad he needs to hear it, how bad he wants it, too. how he'd jumped out of a fucking train to get here, to make sure jiaoqiu meant it. and now, in the light of day, he brings it back up.
his eyes open again. he looks at jiaoqiu - really, really looks at him, his brow knit together, visible eye round, a tremor in his jaw, like a wounded creature in a trap, where the door was held o pen and all he has to do is take the steps and leave. and he can't - he can't, he can't say it again, not without the armor of his temper or the thought that jiaoqiu might not be present, not when he's thinking about betrayal and trust and hurt and all the things that dog his heels.
he sucks in a breath, again. sharper, this time, loud enough to be heard. holds it. a long beat passes.
and he says, slowly, so quiet it's just for jiaoqiu's ears and no one else's, that someone else without his capabilities wouldn't know: ] ...I believe it.
[ he believes it. he does. he couldn't say that last night - couldn't muster the strength. so maybe this is growth, maybe this is his version of steady, that slowly, he lets himself learn how to be loved. it's clumsy. awkward. angry and sharp edged, sometimes, and it fails, sometimes, too, but his progress in the year and change they've known each other has been a desperate, scrabbling march forward, crawling on his belly towards trust once more.
he swallows, hard, after he says it, and closes his eyes again - therion's clever fingers flex against jiaoqiu's cheeks where they're being held, and the hold softens altogether, something cradling, something a little desperate instead of mad, frustrated or annoyed. don't go echoes in stereo. ]
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he stays. and jiaoqiu wishes that he could say it, that he could hear the words, but he knows that therion doesn't have the ability to do that, and he might just have to be okay with that. it's growth. this is so much better than he used to be, and it's leaps and bounds better than jiaoqiu used to be. and he is smart enough, he is clever enough, to know that love can't fix everything all at once. it's always time that does. he can see in the way that therion looks at him, in the way that he tentatively holds out his heart, that therion wants to try, and jiaoqiu is not very good at this and he doesn't know how to take care without ripping himself apart, but he wants to try, too.
i believe you, therion says, and jiaoqiu believes him - both that he knows jiaoqiu means it, and that he feels the same way.
he's quiet for a little bit, resting his face against therion's hands, turning to nuzzle at them. he's shaky and strung out on adrenaline, his head hurts and he's cold and a little uncertain, but therion is here with him and they're both desperately trying to meet each other, as awkward as they are. that feels good. it's not perfect, but it doesn't have to be. ]
Therion.
[ he says, finally, voice very soft, barely above a whisper. ]
I don't want to... drag you down with me. [ a hard swallow. ] I am an anchor, and if I'm not careful I will sink you to the bottom of the ocean.
[ it's just something he worries about. therion deserves to be free, to go wherever he wants, and jiaoqiu would let him go if he couldn't handle that. therion doesn't need to be trapped in the quicksand with him if he doesn't want to. but - the way this comes off, it's not so much of a warning as much it is a question: do you love me even though I'm broken? ]
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in the quieter moments, sometimes, he lets himself reflect on it. you look happier. life does feel a little... it feels better. it's amazing - how didn't realize how lonely he was, and he might never realize it, or at least might not ever say it out loud, or even allow himself to look the concept in the face, but it's true. and if jiaoqiu says that he brings color to his life, then maybe for therion, it's a warmth, a heat that he was always craving, a malnourished, cold thief that's never been satisfied.
but right now, he doesn't - and thankfully, it's jiaoqiu, already vulnerable, who takes another unsteady step forward among this bramble-lined pathway. therion's eyes flutter back open when he says his name, and he regards him as he describes, in that quiet voice, himself as an anchor. and it's not to say that therion hasn't thought it, before, but not in the way jiaoqiu might think. only back when this all first started. when they first arrived to sunshade. but every second that he's thought it, he's been rebuffed. when he returned today, it wasn't because he felt forced to take care of jiaoqiu. it was because he wanted to hear what he had to say.
after a long, long moment, he sighs.
his hands are still on jiaoqiu's face, so, this time, when he squishes it again, it's very gentle. almost like a necessary gesture, a routine, and he looks at him, a frown on his face, brows furrowed, but it's more rueful than it is ready to just agree. ]
Yeah? [ sink him to the bottom of the ocean. there's this edge to therion's voice - a hint of his usual confidence, assured. unafraid. ] I'd like to see you try.
[ deadweight, jiaoqiu said. i just have to throw you off this here cliff, and all my problems are solved. despite every awful thing therion says and often thinks about himself, argues up and down that he is someone who uses other people, just like darius used him, it's not anywhere close to the truth. ]
Takes a lot to pull me down off of anything. [ in fact, it is tacitly something therion refuses. ] You're still here for a reason. So am I.
[ so once again, in not so many words, i'm not going anywhere. or an answer to jiaoqiu's question: a yes. ]
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he'd almost said it earlier, even. welcome home.
it'll take time for therion to get more comfortable, to get to a point where he can trust enough to give in entirely, and it'll take time for jiaoqiu to let go of the hangups about being useless, purposeless. but they're moving. it's not stagnant. jiaoqiu can remember every hour of every day of the last few weeks and that means something. it isn't all fixed just because of this, but it's better. they're happier. lighter. it's not hard to tell that jiaoqiu's life has gotten so much more full, with therion around. he's not a corpse dragging himself to work and bed, over and over. he's not so alone anymore.
there's something like relief on his face, when therion tells him in so many words that he's not going anywhere. maybe a tinge desperate. like it means so very much to him to know that therion doesn't think of him as a burden.
carefully, jiaoqiu lets go of therion's hands, and reaches. curls his fingers into the front of therion's shirt, and tugs him a little. come here. if therion goes, jiaoqiu wraps him up in a hug, warm and solid. rests his hand on therion's neck, like always, protective, and presses a kiss to the side of therion's head. just here, in a heap on the floor. ]
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thankfully, jiaoqiu solves that problem. he pulls him, and therion goes along with it, and the next thing he knows he's being hugged. the gesture is warm and soft and like being pulled into a warm bath, and he takes a breath in and holds it - like almost always, it takes him time. he comes down in notches, relaxes bit by bit. the skin at the back of his neck under his hair is hot to the touch, flushed red, but the hand there is grounding in ways he won't admit to, either. slowly, bit by bit, he exhales out - and then lets his eyes close, and slowly plunks his face into jiaoqiu's shoulder in this stupid heap. the cool, relaxed facade wobbles, here, face buried in relative safety.
curled up like this on the floor, this all feels even more ridiculous. he makes a soft noise, a long moment after the kiss. maybe a laugh, definitely sardonic, mostly at himself.
and then, because therion just needs to make stupid little commentary in order to feel normal, he mutters: ]
Send a dick pic like a normal person, next time. God.
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That would not have made you come home early. But noted. [ he teases, running his fingers through therion's hair. ] You're welcome to the real thing now, you know.
[ it puts him at ease. makes things a little less awkward. therion relaxes into his hold, and jiaoqiu relaxes too, closing his eyes. breathes him in, buries himself in it. he'd said it while drunk - the pillows had stopped smelling like therion and it bothered him, so this is a relief, to get his scent back in his nose. appeases the dumb foxian instincts. his tail wraps around therion, too.
they should get up off the floor, but the adrenaline is running out and he's still hungover, so he just gives up and slumps against therion, petting him absently. ]
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though!!! that comment makes therion snort and give him a baleful look from where he's half tucked up against him, so jiaoqiu can see when he rolls his eyes. ] And risk you throwing up on me? Pass.
[ you and your hangover!!! as jiaoqiu slumps against him though, he shakes his head, and eventually just settles back in place. heap on the floor it is. ]
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I wouldn't. It's out of my system. [ now it's just a headache and the gross grimy stomach feeling. he peeks down at him when he looks up with a little hum, ear flicking. a beat, and then he goes back to petting therion's hair again, running his fingers through it rhythmically. ]
I'll welcome you back tomorrow properly.
[ he jokes lightly, closing his eyes. he's enjoying therion just giving in and letting him cuddle. he doesn't always get clingy - there are days where he actively dodges touch, but today all he wants to do is indulge in the things that relax him. like this. after a moment: ]
... Will you be staying for a while? Or are you going back out?
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it's a very strange thing to just allow himself to have - therion doesn't even realize how touch starved he is, and just chalks it up to the fact that he's too lazy to get up, or maybe just too tired from what has to be an adrenaline crash, not the fact that he's curled up here and doesn't want to move for a while.
which. the question comes, and therion's eyes open where he's settled, again. ]
...Dunno. [ a shrug. casual. ] Got some stuff to pawn off. Didn't really have any other plans.
[ so... he can stay. ]
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but he's so cool and collected and totally fine with therion staying or going so he just hums, soft, that sort of rumble-purr that he does when he's happy. totally not an enormous loser. ]
Good to know. [ murmured. ] Then... you have time to take a nap with me, and let me make you dinner, yes?
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[ therion don't ruin it ]
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I want to be with you. Brat.
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Fine. [ he is so put upon. ] Not really tired, but if you really need a lullaby...
[ sarcastic, of course - extremely, but it's just his usual. that and it's probably a lie, because he got maybe two hours of sleep. then again it looks like he probably hasn't actually slept properly in like, years. it's fine, ]
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You're always tired. [ he murmurs, tucking therion's hair behind his ear. but he lets that go, and to make sure that the light teasing mood doesn't go away, jiaoqiu yawns directly in his face to get him to swat at him.
hehe. ]
Help me up.
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the gesture is small and sweet and a little embarrassing - his face is still kind of warm, and the flush at his cheeks flares again, enough that he scoffs, embarrassed, starts to look away. being known never gets less embarrassing.
that, and!!! yawning in his face does get him swatted at again, and therion makes a face, leaning backwards and away from him before he extricates himself from the floor pile, and stares down at him on the ground for a second, putting his hands on his hips. ]
You're the one who put yourself there.
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My phone was down here... [ whines!! holds out his hands. help him, love of his life, receiver of his affection ]
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Huh. Weird. [ and he turns around like he's just going to leave........... rude....... ]
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