[ oh, the look on his face is... it's hard to look away from. it's jarringly familiar to that cemetery under that rainy gray sky, and it feels like he might slip out of reality if therion was the one to turn and walk away. he is softhearted, no matter what fronts he puts up. he really, really cares, and he - maybe he can do something here, after nearly destroying all of it.
the fact that jiaoqiu asks him to return even now is good for his heart. it's good for their tentative trust, it's... it's sure as hell better than it was five minutes ago. he digests that information - an old fling - and snorts, but sort of sardonic, dry. yeah. yeah, he fucking knows what that's like. tells him everything he needs to know. he's not sure if he can say anything about it without ripping open the scabs on his own very, very old wound, and that's a conversation he wants to avoid with a twenty foot pole, but the look on his face shows more empathy with that idea than he admits out loud.
after a beat, with the request, therion... hesitates, for a second, and then makes his way back over. he sits on the bed, next to him, at first, like he's trying to decide exactly what he wants to do, or say. he's suddenly very aware of every part of himself, his limbs, his breathing, his everything, like a gangly deer trying to find its footing. for once, at a loss for words, that confidence of his missing as he tries to find ways to be softer. ]
Move your head.
[ is. what he says, that's not really that soft, and that's - well, it's therion, so, what do you expect. it's a little bit gruff, but it's because if he does, he picks up a pillow and puts it underneath where he was laying, quietly fussing in his own right. maybe that will help. maybe something will. ]
[ the empathy in therion's expression gives jiaoqiu some hints, too. both of them are fucked up over someone - jiaoqiu sort of guessed that this was the case, but it makes a little more sense now. neither of them can talk about it without reopening old, severe wounds, and they're already preoccupied with trying to stop the bleeding of these new ones, so for now, jiaoqiu lets it go, but. it's good to know.
therion makes his way back over, and jiaoqiu doesn't really move. until therion asks him to lift his head, and he does, obediently.
there's something about the gesture that makes his heart ache. it helps. therion, for all his rough edges and uncertainties, cares. he can see it. it's clumsy, and he's obviously new to this or at the very least, inexperienced, but he's trying to care for jiaoqiu in any way that he can. he can see the enormity of what therion feels, and thinks, absently, that it's sort of funny how opposite they are in that. but if therion is going to try to do what doesn't come naturally to him, jiaoqiu will too. he can fight the nihility enough to give something back.
carefully, jiaoqiu extends his arms out from under the blanket, opening them like he's waiting for a hug. a beat. ]
[ after a long beat, like he's considering - finally, he carefully eases himself down. his body hurts. it's morning, now, the daylight starting to ease through the curtains, he's injured, and exhausted emotionally and physically after all of that, and the adrenaline of the situation finally fades away and all that's left is therion, scrawny little wolf, desperately in need of a chance to curl up somewhere small and safe.
with his arms extended like that, therion huffs and shakes his head. it feels a little childish, but maybe that's what the both of them could use, and crawls in beside him, lifting the covers and worming under them. his heart's still going too fast, but he accepts it - a feral creature sticking its face out to be pet for the very first time.
it's warm under here. warm, and dark, and intimate. and though it's a marked difference from just an hour or two ago, where jiaoqiu was snuggly and silly after a roll between the sheets, it's nice, it's - healing, really. it's finding old, old, old breaks in bone and snapping them back into place. a painful process, but a necessary one.
deep breath in. deep breath out. and... he's here. ]
[ the sigh that jiaoqiu lets out when therion squirms under the blankets with him can only be described as relieved. he lets therion settle in, and then gently, he wraps his arm around therion. he holds him to his chest, resting his hand against the back of therion's head if he's facing him, or against his heart, if he's back to chest.
either way, it's warm. skin to skin. safe, covered. he presses a kiss to whatever bit of therion he can reach, and settles his tail over therion's legs again. it's morning, and he wants to sleep, he wants to ease all that pain he can feel therion holding onto. physically and emotionally. maybe he'll call into work, so he can stay here and try. it's good to have a goal. it's good to have something he wants to do, it's good to feel like his existence has some sort of effect.
for a moment, he feels a little like crying. what a novel thing. it's not really even a negative feeling, just something sort of overwhelmed. he doesn't. he just matches therion's breathing, stroking at therion's skin. ]
I like it when you stay.
[ he murmurs. almost like a sorry, for shutting down earlier. ]
[ the thing about therion is that for every sharp little barb he throws out, every way he holds anyone and everyone at arm's length, is that he's trying to make himself believe what he says more than anyone he actually speaks to. he can tell himself that he's just using jiaoqiu's medical skills. just using his body to get off, for an adrenaline rush, and a thrill. but it's such a lie.
the reality is that he's so, so, so fucking lonely. it's been like this for so long that having something even remotely good, even if it's broken and shattered and imperfect, is like a shock to the system. but he has to admit that to himself, first, that he is lonely, that he does want it, to be able to let some of those defenses go. stripped bare in every way, he tucks facing against jiaoqiu's chest, not so prepared to bare his back again, but more or less hiding here, against soft, now familiar skin, against a heartbeat he's starting to come to know.
i like it when you stay feels like taking a breath of cold air. bracing, but oxygenating all the same. he's overwhelmed, too, too much to have stupid shitty comments to make or anything but silence in response - but, his hand comes up, hesitates, and then slides over his waist, and he sets his calloused, small palm against his lower back and holds it there, fingers curling like he could find something here to hold onto. he doesn't say it, but the nonverbal response is blatant.
i like staying, too. terrifying as it is to feel that way. he likes it, too. ]
[ therion tucks against his chest, and jiaoqiu slides his hand up his back, up and up, until it slips into his hair. he strokes gently at the strands, tucking them behind his ear. he takes the way therion curls up with him for what it is - a desire to be held and not hurt, for once. therion is trusting him to not dig the knife in, so he won't.
he would've never used this word before today, but maybe he's lonely too. maybe that's what the feeling was, sitting in his apartment and staring at the void creeping up to his feet, threatening to swallow him whole. he thinks he's tired of being alone. he wants to make use of his heartbeat. maybe if he can start with this, he can find other things, too. there can be more than simply being alive.
the hand on his lower back makes him shiver. involuntary response. he likes it. in return, his own hand settles on therion's back, fingers spread over the middle, between his shoulderblades. just to feel him breathe in and out.
and after a couple of moments of just sitting in the silence, reassuring, jiaoqiu exhales. in that same sleepy, easy tone: ]
[ yeah. yeah, he thinks, shouldn't you be more worried about the other way around? it's therion who vanished last night when he caught a couple hours of rest here in this bed, disappearing off into the cold to go get into trouble.
so there's a low noise that could be agreement, or it could be a dry laugh, or somewhere in between. a little incredulous, but not so much as before. gods, he's so tired. god, he has been tired for so long. his eyes are closed when jiaoqiu messes with his hair, and they'll stay that way, even if he can't immediately fall asleep. he doubts it. it's not like he ever sleeps well around other people - even in rest, he curls up and in on himself, snatches light dozes and keeps one fist curled around a knife. he's probably not had a real night of sleep a single time in his entire life.
and so he doesn't think that he's going to really sleep here, either. he can't shake jiaoqiu's scared expression, or literally anything else they've talked about for the past hour, for the entire day. still, it's good for him to have a few minutes to be in the silence, to unpack everything, from what he's learned of jiaoqiu in this little interaction to the way he feels about literally any of it. he figures he'll be in his head for hours. maybe get up in a couple, and... slip out.
but, it only takes maybe ten more minutes of that silence, that sleepy tone - and he's knocked out. for a solid three or four hours, he sleeps, undisturbed by nightmares or by his own paranoia. tucked into the darkness, buried against the warmth of another body, he rests.
and....
when jiaoqiu wakes up, he'll find that therion's gone, again. ]
[ like the night before, having therion in his bed, curled up with him, means that he isn't woken up by nightmares. his own sleep is like the dead, face buried in therion's hair, arms wrapped loosely around him, tail tucked between their legs. he doesn't have much time to think about anything at all, because having therion with him knocks him out near-immediately. he doesn't have anything to fear. all of the things that worry him are right here in his arms, as protected as he can manage. it might be okay. maybe it'll be okay.
and...
when he wakes up to therion gone, he just sort of sinks into the bed. it's a little dramatic, and he's aware it is, but he thinks, fine. time to rot. he'll just press his face into the pillow and smother himself. the only reason he doesn't is because he made a promise. and if he doesn't show up for work, sushang will have to find his address and she'd be the one to find him, and that's no good. you know. normal stuff, thinking about unaliving yourself and idly, casually weighing the pros and cons, that's healthy.
it'll take a while for him to even find the strength to sit up. he should. he has to get up. you have to get up. get up.
he gets up, slowly. winces, because he's sore, and then shifts in a way that makes that pain rattle up his spine worse, on purpose. a beat, as he closes his eyes against it, breathing unsteady. and then he starts to stand. one tiny thing at a time. he's done this before, cutting up his function into manageable pieces. stand up. take a step. your end goal is your shower, but you have to turn yourself in the right direction to do it, so do that first. one, two, three. ]
[ for a while, all is quiet - he gets his full moment to be extra dramatic and alone, but as jiaoqiu is starting to stand up, with those perky strong ears of his, he'll hear a hissed out: ]
-- shit!
[ from the other room, and the sound of. is that the window closing? yeah, that's the window. ]
he really is getting ready to just howlsludge his way to his shower, but - he hears the noise. the sound almost has a physical effect on his world - the vibration hits his ears and runs out, along the walls and the floor, like watching the soundwaves in real time. his chest eases. he breathes, and he blinks, and the world feels a little less like a chore.
a beat. and then he wanders to his living room. he takes his blanket with him so he is not entirely naked. the fuck you doing in here. ]
[ well, you see. therion is in fact here! in fact, he's standing just at the window, and the problem becomes visible immediately - on his way out, he grabbed a stupid fucking scarf that did not belong to him, and so it's longer than his, and it is stuck in the damn closing windowsill.
more importantly, he's also holding something in both hands? it's - one of those little styrofoam trays, holding two precariously balanced cups of what looks like might be coffee from the closest shop. more importantly, it does't look like he's on his way out, but on his way in.
should he have taken the fucking door? probably! but did he? no! so injury and all, he scaled the fire escape with his prize, two drinks that have like, order tickets on them so he clearly didn't even steal them, and now, stupidly, as he often does with his hubris, has been very much caught in getting stuck in the fucking window frame. he yanks the scarf out, finally, catches his balance easily like a cat, looks over his shoulder and - ]
-- Don't. [ just immediately because his face starts turning red. don't you dare start ]
[ sorry - sorry, he shouldn't laugh, he really shouldn't, but.
it's the only thing he can manage. the relief, the elation, the emotion he feels when he sees therion sneaking in to his apartment, it's overwhelming. it's a little too much for his old, aching heart, for a part of him that he thought was irrevocably broken. he sucks in a sharp breath and everything is very, very bright for a second. it's so stupid. therion's caught in his fucking window and he's here, and he has coffee? he bought coffee. is that his scarf? his stupid fucking thief is injured and didn't take the goddamn door and probably made his injuries worse and he didn't run.
his brain is so broken. he just breaks into hysterical little giggles that also might be half-sobs, it's hard to tell, hiding his face in the blanket. his ears are pinned back and his tail is between his legs, and he's the biggest loser in the universe because this is not a normal reaction and he knows it isn't, and he knows it's going to freak therion out but he can't help it.
okay, his first reaction initially is just like, sheer embarrassment and extreme grumpiness, because he knows this was stupid, but he - see, he was going to leave. he really was. he slept like a fucking rock and that freaked him out, and he thought maybe he should just skitter the fuck out of jiaoqiu's life forever. and he started to do that, and he made it out the window and down to the sidewalk, and the cold hit him like a brick and he started thinking about the way jiaoqiu said i like it when you stay, and so. that was how he ended up down the street at the coffee shop instead, hands jammed in his pockets and mouth shoved into a scarf that smells like stupid fucking jiaoqiu and his stupid warm house and stupid life that he wants therion in. and that was how he spent real actual money to buy a drink that he knows jiaoqiu likes, because this is the kind of stuff that he does pay attention to even if he pretends he doesn't.
and so he had to sneak back in, with his prize, grumbling the entire way, and then he got trapped and that's how he ended up here, flustered and embarrassed and scowling as jiaoqiu is LAUGHING AT HIM, he should have just left -
and then those giggles turn into like, crying noises and he is so absolutely thrown and has no idea what to do for a second. floundering uselessly, therion sputters and puts the drink down on the closest surface, and comes over to jiaoqiu, not that he has like. any idea how to help or what to do. his hands kind of uselessly flutter in the air. ]
Hey - fluff, what the hell...?
[ PANIK!!! it is in fact freaking him out!!! ] It's not that funny.
[ poor therion, this is really what he's resigned himself to. jiaoqiu tries his best to pull himself together, wiping at his face with the blanket. a little cough, and then: ]
It isn't, you're right.
[ he says, voice wavering, and it's totally pathetic, he's going to just explode on the spot. he's supposed to be the composed one here, he's supposed to tease therion until therion gets actually mad, but after everything from yesterday he just cannot get himself together. again, just absolutely broken when it comes to emotions, like they got rewired and he has no idea which port goes to which plug anymore. he's so endeared by therion looking so absolutely grouchy about doing a nice thing, and it hurts, but it feels good, too. and he wants to explain, but he can't figure out how to, so.
he just gives up, and moves forward and takes therion's hands in his own. he laces their fingers together where they're up and fluttering mid-air, and leans forward to kiss therion right on the mouth. hi. don't panic, he's okay. ]
[ oh. okay. well, the kiss absolutely startles him from where he was getting all riled up, and he lets out a - ] Mmpht.
[ noise as whatever he was going to say dies on his mouth. it's like just. deflating, he just kind of deflates, the hot air from being flustered and annoyed and mortified all just as cut off, like a bucket of water being dumped on a spluttering campfire.
his face is still very warm in jiaoqiu's hands - any lingering cold from being outside vanishes in the face of being very embarrassed, and he just kind of gives up and rests his cold hands on his wrists for a second, properly mortified. at least if he's kissing him he's not laughing. or crying. or coughing. or doing whatever the fuck combination of emotions are happening right now, because therion's own emotions are also a mess. it's just a mess. the whole thing is a mess. at least he's not upset, or whatever. god!!! ]
[ it's just a brief little thing, something warm and sweet. he lets it linger, though, because it's a continuation of all that sensation, all that feeling. therion is still wind-cold, and jiaoqiu is useless for body heat, but it's okay. he only jumps a little at the cold hands - brings them in to press them between his own, rubbing them to warm them up.
when he pulls away, he adjusts his blanket, and then wipes his eyes again with his shoulder. takes a deep breath. ]
Leave me a note next time, you brat. [ he fake-scolds, but there's no heat at all to it. mostly, he just sounds relieved. ]
[ oh, he is so embarrassed. red from forehead down to his chin, now - the stupid little kiss, for no reason other than to just do it makes his heart jump, and he has to pretend that it doesn't, and jiaoqiu taking his hands like that means he just has to stew in it, shoulders up around his ears, unable to look him in the face in the one two punch of his own mortification of being caught and then being covered in Feelings.
god. when he pulls back, therion catches onto that relief - he is not stupid - and shoves his hands in his pockets, immediately turning on his heel to march back over and grab his stupid coffee for him. he wasn't going to come back, there was no need for a fucking note, but he's back, and even if he's embarrassed, undeniably, it comes with a bunch of butterflies and stupid fluffy warm feelings, too. urghh. he made the right decision by coming back, and he knows it, and that's a whole other host of emotions. jiaoqiu's so happy.
anyway, now that he's turned his back, he's finally getting his composure back, so, naturally, jiaoqiu brings up the scarf. therion's shoulders jerk right back up to his ears, and the color on his face that had finally started to fade jumps back again. the backs of his ears are red. ]
Mine had blood on it. [ this is a lame excuse because his scarf always has something gross on it, he usually just folds it over and ignores it until he can get to a laundromat, but this is fine. grousing, he grabs the coffee and makes his way back over and shoves it in his hands. all this grumping and grousing and complaining and anger is actually just because he's flustered and deeply lacking heat. ] It's fucking cold outside. Here.
[ very believable. very embarrassing. hate it here. ]
[ this is so funny to jiaoqiu - he's not paying attention to his tail, which means that it is wagging slightly behind him as he watches therion stomp angrily across his apartment to grab the coffee. he does not for a second think that therion is actually angry; in fact, the flustered complaining is just kind of cute. it's so clearly just a cover-up for whatever it is he's actually feeling. he's so jumpy! like a pill bug. like a cat confronted with a cucumber.
it really makes him want to pin therion to the closest flat surface and kiss him to see how deep of a red he can get his face to go. his tail swishes a little more impishly at the thought. ]
Thank you. [ he says politely, because he is a good boy except for when he isn't. but maybe the most important thing is that he's smiling, and there's life behind it. he takes a moment to sip from his coffee, and actually does a little ! motion when he tastes it? it's... exactly how he likes it, which makes his throat get all tight and his eyes burn again, and he has to take a second. jesus, he really is broken.
he clears his throat. ]
If you'll allow me a moment to put on pants, I'll make us breakfast. And do your laundry. A civilized person shouldn't wander the city smelling like sex and blood.
[ teasing, but. the implication is he can just... stay the rest of the day... and it'd be okay. ]
[ mgh. he knows he's opening himself to being bullied even more but it's fine. he takes his own coffee and leans against the nearest piece of furniture, hiding the rest of his embarrassment behind the lip of the drink, sulking a little even if he doesn't really mean it. ugh.
he takes a long drink and just makes a noise whenever jiaoqiu thanks him, waving it off and settling back in. unaware of jiaoqiu's plans, he watches him - watches those ears perk up and looks away again. any satisfaction is easily kept off of his face, even if he does feel it, something small and sweet and fluttery kept as far away from the surface as humanly possible.
he looks jiaoqiu and his blanket up and down, and gives him a judgy look. ]
Wow. Thanks for the lesson in civility. I'll keep it in mind. [ so, so dry. acerbic as ever. and just to nitpick for nitpicking's sake, he continues - ] What were you going to do if I was actually someone breaking into your house?
[ with your naked bare ass and your blanket cape. he does not deny the implication. he doesn't really miss it, either. ]
thinks about how he should probably not joke about dying in front of therion
closes his mouth. tries again. ]
Perhaps I was relying on a knight in a scarf that doesn't belong to him to save me. [ he teases. ] I would have been fine. I don't like combat, but it doesn't mean I can't protect myself. Even naked.
[ adjusts his blanket. actually, he'll just go put on pants. that's it, just loose sweat pants and no underwear because he doesn't really care enough to get totally dressed when therion has had his fingers like, inside him. when he wanders back out, he's holding his coffee cup in both hands, shuffling across his apartment to where therion is so that he can get in his space and be annoying. bunts his head against therion's jaw. ]
Hm. I'll need a shower, too... [ nyeh. he's sticky and gross. but also he smells like therion and his foxian brain likes that, so. y'know. ]
before jiaoqiu gets away too far, he gets the scarf tossed on top of his dumb head for his trouble because he forgot he was wearing it. how dare you compare him to a fantasy cop ]
Sure. I guess they might laugh themselves back down the fire escape.
[ he doesn't doubt that jiaoqiu could probably defend himself. but, then again, he can't think of any other thief who would be dumb enough to look at jiaoqiu of all people and consider him some kind of target for theft. there is nothing in here worth stealing, as jiaoqiu has told him many, many times, and also, the idea kind of rankles him a little bit? he's the one that made the comment, but also. no. not allowed.
he's mostly back to his normal, grouchy self by the time jiaoqiu comes back - just kind of standing in the kitchen, holding his coffee, mind off down a different path entirely, wandering back to the fact that he's staying here, at least for now. it's being head bunted that gets him to snap out of the swirl of emotions he's still feeling about the concept of staying somewhere - therion makes a noise, tilting his head up and shutting his eye, making space for this very animal behavior to happen without any actual complaining. letting him into his space like this is a sign enough he's not bothered. ]
What are you complaining to me about it for. [ grumbling. ] And you're the one that put on pants.
I am complaining because you're the one who made me need one.
[ yawns. he's happy to be allowed here, pushing his luck, pushing boundaries. but he wasn't very worried about it - therion bought him coffee and got mad when jiaoqiu implied that someone else could steal from him. he figures he's got some leeway in being close. it's sort of all he wants, right now, and it's been so long that he's just letting himself go for it. he leans against therion with a little huff, sipping his coffee. he can make food in a second. cuddle him first. ]
You can take them off me later, once I've checked to make sure that your wounds haven't reopened. You know that I am in possession of a door? Yes?
[ quit going through the window you dingus
he hasn't quite realized that therion did not mean to come back, originally. ]
[ don't think you have leeway he's so mysterious and edgy and distant!!! he has so much leeway. for now, at least, or maybe forever? you never know.
anyway. he sighs as if put upon about the injuries and the door comment, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. ]
I didn't feel like digging for your keys. [ thankfully, he's a good liar - he's perfectly fine to keep up this cover story. it's more embarrassing to think that he left and came back. god. not only that, but - there's something that feels very real about using the door that he's just not going to prescribe right now. so. window like a creature it is. ] And I'm not an amateur. I'm fine.
[ like, actually fine. probably? if he reopened something, he didn't feel it. he has climbed much scarier buildings with worse injuries. he also made it up here last night with it freebleeding, so making it down and back up again was fine.
all of this grumbling, and yet, jiaoqiu is allowed to lean against therion - despite his warm face which is only just now coming down to pink, he's pretty cold from being out in the frosty daylight, so he drinks his own coffee with only the usual perfunctory level of complaining about being nagged at, and quietly lets jiaoqiu get as close as he wants. it feels nice, though he won't admit that, either. ]
jiaoqiu will just settle here for a minute, then. he rests his head against therion's uninjured shoulder, tail swishing gently, sipping his coffee. they could be sitting in bed and doing this if therion hadn't tried to abscond, but here they are. slowly, they can warm up right here, and get used to touching. therion doesn't need to say that he likes it, jiaoqiu can tell. ]
I'd still like to check for possible infection.
[ he was very thorough about cleaning, but still. a beat. he noses a little at therion's jaw. ]
You won't be going several days without changing your bandages, in any case. [ ... ] Last chance to tell me what you'd like to have to eat.
[ several days, huh. some part of therion balks at that, but he doesn't show it. can he even make it several days? can he be here that long without feeling like he has to run off? who knows. the idea makes him feel a little twitchy, but he says nothing of it for now, just looking down at the cup in his hands, thinking about the bitter blackness of the flavors, the bright and brilliant spice of the food jiaoqiu often makes.
the nosing at his jaw keeps him from lingering on it for too long - subtly, unintentionally, he tilts a little into it. ]
Whatever's fine. [ he's never once had an actual meal request. he wouldn't even know what to ask for, and frankly, whatever jiaoqiu comes up with tastes better than 95% of the things he eats on a daily basis. ] 'm not hungry.
[ which he knows jiaoqiu will not stand for because he absolutely has not eaten since like three dumplings last night, but that's fine. jiaoqiu seems to be in a really good mood, so if he gets all fussy and naggy, it'll be annoying, but his mother hen behavior is kind of secretly a little bit charming (and a lot funny) so if he can get him to fuss about it then he'll be annoying about it on purpose. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
the fact that jiaoqiu asks him to return even now is good for his heart. it's good for their tentative trust, it's... it's sure as hell better than it was five minutes ago. he digests that information - an old fling - and snorts, but sort of sardonic, dry. yeah. yeah, he fucking knows what that's like. tells him everything he needs to know. he's not sure if he can say anything about it without ripping open the scabs on his own very, very old wound, and that's a conversation he wants to avoid with a twenty foot pole, but the look on his face shows more empathy with that idea than he admits out loud.
after a beat, with the request, therion... hesitates, for a second, and then makes his way back over. he sits on the bed, next to him, at first, like he's trying to decide exactly what he wants to do, or say. he's suddenly very aware of every part of himself, his limbs, his breathing, his everything, like a gangly deer trying to find its footing. for once, at a loss for words, that confidence of his missing as he tries to find ways to be softer. ]
Move your head.
[ is. what he says, that's not really that soft, and that's - well, it's therion, so, what do you expect. it's a little bit gruff, but it's because if he does, he picks up a pillow and puts it underneath where he was laying, quietly fussing in his own right. maybe that will help. maybe something will. ]
no subject
therion makes his way back over, and jiaoqiu doesn't really move. until therion asks him to lift his head, and he does, obediently.
there's something about the gesture that makes his heart ache. it helps. therion, for all his rough edges and uncertainties, cares. he can see it. it's clumsy, and he's obviously new to this or at the very least, inexperienced, but he's trying to care for jiaoqiu in any way that he can. he can see the enormity of what therion feels, and thinks, absently, that it's sort of funny how opposite they are in that. but if therion is going to try to do what doesn't come naturally to him, jiaoqiu will too. he can fight the nihility enough to give something back.
carefully, jiaoqiu extends his arms out from under the blanket, opening them like he's waiting for a hug. a beat. ]
Come here.
[ let him spoon you. ]
no subject
with his arms extended like that, therion huffs and shakes his head. it feels a little childish, but maybe that's what the both of them could use, and crawls in beside him, lifting the covers and worming under them. his heart's still going too fast, but he accepts it - a feral creature sticking its face out to be pet for the very first time.
it's warm under here. warm, and dark, and intimate. and though it's a marked difference from just an hour or two ago, where jiaoqiu was snuggly and silly after a roll between the sheets, it's nice, it's - healing, really. it's finding old, old, old breaks in bone and snapping them back into place. a painful process, but a necessary one.
deep breath in. deep breath out. and... he's here. ]
no subject
either way, it's warm. skin to skin. safe, covered. he presses a kiss to whatever bit of therion he can reach, and settles his tail over therion's legs again. it's morning, and he wants to sleep, he wants to ease all that pain he can feel therion holding onto. physically and emotionally. maybe he'll call into work, so he can stay here and try. it's good to have a goal. it's good to have something he wants to do, it's good to feel like his existence has some sort of effect.
for a moment, he feels a little like crying. what a novel thing. it's not really even a negative feeling, just something sort of overwhelmed. he doesn't. he just matches therion's breathing, stroking at therion's skin. ]
I like it when you stay.
[ he murmurs. almost like a sorry, for shutting down earlier. ]
no subject
the reality is that he's so, so, so fucking lonely. it's been like this for so long that having something even remotely good, even if it's broken and shattered and imperfect, is like a shock to the system. but he has to admit that to himself, first, that he is lonely, that he does want it, to be able to let some of those defenses go. stripped bare in every way, he tucks facing against jiaoqiu's chest, not so prepared to bare his back again, but more or less hiding here, against soft, now familiar skin, against a heartbeat he's starting to come to know.
i like it when you stay feels like taking a breath of cold air. bracing, but oxygenating all the same. he's overwhelmed, too, too much to have stupid shitty comments to make or anything but silence in response - but, his hand comes up, hesitates, and then slides over his waist, and he sets his calloused, small palm against his lower back and holds it there, fingers curling like he could find something here to hold onto. he doesn't say it, but the nonverbal response is blatant.
i like staying, too. terrifying as it is to feel that way. he likes it, too. ]
no subject
he would've never used this word before today, but maybe he's lonely too. maybe that's what the feeling was, sitting in his apartment and staring at the void creeping up to his feet, threatening to swallow him whole. he thinks he's tired of being alone. he wants to make use of his heartbeat. maybe if he can start with this, he can find other things, too. there can be more than simply being alive.
the hand on his lower back makes him shiver. involuntary response. he likes it. in return, his own hand settles on therion's back, fingers spread over the middle, between his shoulderblades. just to feel him breathe in and out.
and after a couple of moments of just sitting in the silence, reassuring, jiaoqiu exhales. in that same sleepy, easy tone: ]
Rest. I'll be here when you wake up.
no subject
so there's a low noise that could be agreement, or it could be a dry laugh, or somewhere in between. a little incredulous, but not so much as before. gods, he's so tired. god, he has been tired for so long. his eyes are closed when jiaoqiu messes with his hair, and they'll stay that way, even if he can't immediately fall asleep. he doubts it. it's not like he ever sleeps well around other people - even in rest, he curls up and in on himself, snatches light dozes and keeps one fist curled around a knife. he's probably not had a real night of sleep a single time in his entire life.
and so he doesn't think that he's going to really sleep here, either. he can't shake jiaoqiu's scared expression, or literally anything else they've talked about for the past hour, for the entire day. still, it's good for him to have a few minutes to be in the silence, to unpack everything, from what he's learned of jiaoqiu in this little interaction to the way he feels about literally any of it. he figures he'll be in his head for hours. maybe get up in a couple, and... slip out.
but, it only takes maybe ten more minutes of that silence, that sleepy tone - and he's knocked out. for a solid three or four hours, he sleeps, undisturbed by nightmares or by his own paranoia. tucked into the darkness, buried against the warmth of another body, he rests.
and....
when jiaoqiu wakes up, he'll find that therion's gone, again. ]
no subject
and...
when he wakes up to therion gone, he just sort of sinks into the bed. it's a little dramatic, and he's aware it is, but he thinks, fine. time to rot. he'll just press his face into the pillow and smother himself. the only reason he doesn't is because he made a promise. and if he doesn't show up for work, sushang will have to find his address and she'd be the one to find him, and that's no good. you know. normal stuff, thinking about unaliving yourself and idly, casually weighing the pros and cons, that's healthy.
it'll take a while for him to even find the strength to sit up. he should. he has to get up. you have to get up. get up.
he gets up, slowly. winces, because he's sore, and then shifts in a way that makes that pain rattle up his spine worse, on purpose. a beat, as he closes his eyes against it, breathing unsteady. and then he starts to stand. one tiny thing at a time. he's done this before, cutting up his function into manageable pieces. stand up. take a step. your end goal is your shower, but you have to turn yourself in the right direction to do it, so do that first. one, two, three. ]
no subject
-- shit!
[ from the other room, and the sound of. is that the window closing? yeah, that's the window. ]
no subject
he really is getting ready to just howlsludge his way to his shower, but - he hears the noise. the sound almost has a physical effect on his world - the vibration hits his ears and runs out, along the walls and the floor, like watching the soundwaves in real time. his chest eases. he breathes, and he blinks, and the world feels a little less like a chore.
a beat. and then he wanders to his living room. he takes his blanket with him so he is not entirely naked. the fuck you doing in here. ]
no subject
more importantly, he's also holding something in both hands? it's - one of those little styrofoam trays, holding two precariously balanced cups of what looks like might be coffee from the closest shop. more importantly, it does't look like he's on his way out, but on his way in.
should he have taken the fucking door? probably! but did he? no! so injury and all, he scaled the fire escape with his prize, two drinks that have like, order tickets on them so he clearly didn't even steal them, and now, stupidly, as he often does with his hubris, has been very much caught in getting stuck in the fucking window frame. he yanks the scarf out, finally, catches his balance easily like a cat, looks over his shoulder and - ]
-- Don't. [ just immediately because his face starts turning red. don't you dare start ]
no subject
it's the only thing he can manage. the relief, the elation, the emotion he feels when he sees therion sneaking in to his apartment, it's overwhelming. it's a little too much for his old, aching heart, for a part of him that he thought was irrevocably broken. he sucks in a sharp breath and everything is very, very bright for a second. it's so stupid. therion's caught in his fucking window and he's here, and he has coffee? he bought coffee. is that his scarf? his stupid fucking thief is injured and didn't take the goddamn door and probably made his injuries worse and he didn't run.
his brain is so broken. he just breaks into hysterical little giggles that also might be half-sobs, it's hard to tell, hiding his face in the blanket. his ears are pinned back and his tail is between his legs, and he's the biggest loser in the universe because this is not a normal reaction and he knows it isn't, and he knows it's going to freak therion out but he can't help it.
christ. ]
no subject
okay, his first reaction initially is just like, sheer embarrassment and extreme grumpiness, because he knows this was stupid, but he - see, he was going to leave. he really was. he slept like a fucking rock and that freaked him out, and he thought maybe he should just skitter the fuck out of jiaoqiu's life forever. and he started to do that, and he made it out the window and down to the sidewalk, and the cold hit him like a brick and he started thinking about the way jiaoqiu said i like it when you stay, and so. that was how he ended up down the street at the coffee shop instead, hands jammed in his pockets and mouth shoved into a scarf that smells like stupid fucking jiaoqiu and his stupid warm house and stupid life that he wants therion in. and that was how he spent real actual money to buy a drink that he knows jiaoqiu likes, because this is the kind of stuff that he does pay attention to even if he pretends he doesn't.
and so he had to sneak back in, with his prize, grumbling the entire way, and then he got trapped and that's how he ended up here, flustered and embarrassed and scowling as jiaoqiu is LAUGHING AT HIM, he should have just left -
and then those giggles turn into like, crying noises and he is so absolutely thrown and has no idea what to do for a second. floundering uselessly, therion sputters and puts the drink down on the closest surface, and comes over to jiaoqiu, not that he has like. any idea how to help or what to do. his hands kind of uselessly flutter in the air. ]
Hey - fluff, what the hell...?
[ PANIK!!! it is in fact freaking him out!!! ] It's not that funny.
no subject
It isn't, you're right.
[ he says, voice wavering, and it's totally pathetic, he's going to just explode on the spot. he's supposed to be the composed one here, he's supposed to tease therion until therion gets actually mad, but after everything from yesterday he just cannot get himself together. again, just absolutely broken when it comes to emotions, like they got rewired and he has no idea which port goes to which plug anymore. he's so endeared by therion looking so absolutely grouchy about doing a nice thing, and it hurts, but it feels good, too. and he wants to explain, but he can't figure out how to, so.
he just gives up, and moves forward and takes therion's hands in his own. he laces their fingers together where they're up and fluttering mid-air, and leans forward to kiss therion right on the mouth. hi. don't panic, he's okay. ]
no subject
[ noise as whatever he was going to say dies on his mouth. it's like just. deflating, he just kind of deflates, the hot air from being flustered and annoyed and mortified all just as cut off, like a bucket of water being dumped on a spluttering campfire.
his face is still very warm in jiaoqiu's hands - any lingering cold from being outside vanishes in the face of being very embarrassed, and he just kind of gives up and rests his cold hands on his wrists for a second, properly mortified. at least if he's kissing him he's not laughing. or crying. or coughing. or doing whatever the fuck combination of emotions are happening right now, because therion's own emotions are also a mess. it's just a mess. the whole thing is a mess. at least he's not upset, or whatever. god!!! ]
no subject
when he pulls away, he adjusts his blanket, and then wipes his eyes again with his shoulder. takes a deep breath. ]
Leave me a note next time, you brat. [ he fake-scolds, but there's no heat at all to it. mostly, he just sounds relieved. ]
Is that my scarf?
no subject
god. when he pulls back, therion catches onto that relief - he is not stupid - and shoves his hands in his pockets, immediately turning on his heel to march back over and grab his stupid coffee for him. he wasn't going to come back, there was no need for a fucking note, but he's back, and even if he's embarrassed, undeniably, it comes with a bunch of butterflies and stupid fluffy warm feelings, too. urghh. he made the right decision by coming back, and he knows it, and that's a whole other host of emotions. jiaoqiu's so happy.
anyway, now that he's turned his back, he's finally getting his composure back, so, naturally, jiaoqiu brings up the scarf. therion's shoulders jerk right back up to his ears, and the color on his face that had finally started to fade jumps back again. the backs of his ears are red. ]
Mine had blood on it. [ this is a lame excuse because his scarf always has something gross on it, he usually just folds it over and ignores it until he can get to a laundromat, but this is fine. grousing, he grabs the coffee and makes his way back over and shoves it in his hands. all this grumping and grousing and complaining and anger is actually just because he's flustered and deeply lacking heat. ] It's fucking cold outside. Here.
[ very believable. very embarrassing. hate it here. ]
no subject
it really makes him want to pin therion to the closest flat surface and kiss him to see how deep of a red he can get his face to go. his tail swishes a little more impishly at the thought. ]
Thank you. [ he says politely, because he is a good boy except for when he isn't. but maybe the most important thing is that he's smiling, and there's life behind it. he takes a moment to sip from his coffee, and actually does a little ! motion when he tastes it? it's... exactly how he likes it, which makes his throat get all tight and his eyes burn again, and he has to take a second. jesus, he really is broken.
he clears his throat. ]
If you'll allow me a moment to put on pants, I'll make us breakfast. And do your laundry. A civilized person shouldn't wander the city smelling like sex and blood.
[ teasing, but. the implication is he can just... stay the rest of the day... and it'd be okay. ]
no subject
he takes a long drink and just makes a noise whenever jiaoqiu thanks him, waving it off and settling back in. unaware of jiaoqiu's plans, he watches him - watches those ears perk up and looks away again. any satisfaction is easily kept off of his face, even if he does feel it, something small and sweet and fluttery kept as far away from the surface as humanly possible.
he looks jiaoqiu and his blanket up and down, and gives him a judgy look. ]
Wow. Thanks for the lesson in civility. I'll keep it in mind. [ so, so dry. acerbic as ever. and just to nitpick for nitpicking's sake, he continues - ] What were you going to do if I was actually someone breaking into your house?
[ with your naked bare ass and your blanket cape. he does not deny the implication. he doesn't really miss it, either. ]
no subject
thinks about how he should probably not joke about dying in front of therion
closes his mouth. tries again. ]
Perhaps I was relying on a knight in a scarf that doesn't belong to him to save me. [ he teases. ] I would have been fine. I don't like combat, but it doesn't mean I can't protect myself. Even naked.
[ adjusts his blanket. actually, he'll just go put on pants. that's it, just loose sweat pants and no underwear because he doesn't really care enough to get totally dressed when therion has had his fingers like, inside him. when he wanders back out, he's holding his coffee cup in both hands, shuffling across his apartment to where therion is so that he can get in his space and be annoying. bunts his head against therion's jaw. ]
Hm. I'll need a shower, too... [ nyeh. he's sticky and gross. but also he smells like therion and his foxian brain likes that, so. y'know. ]
no subject
before jiaoqiu gets away too far, he gets the scarf tossed on top of his dumb head for his trouble because he forgot he was wearing it. how dare you compare him to a fantasy cop ]
Sure. I guess they might laugh themselves back down the fire escape.
[ he doesn't doubt that jiaoqiu could probably defend himself. but, then again, he can't think of any other thief who would be dumb enough to look at jiaoqiu of all people and consider him some kind of target for theft. there is nothing in here worth stealing, as jiaoqiu has told him many, many times, and also, the idea kind of rankles him a little bit? he's the one that made the comment, but also. no. not allowed.
he's mostly back to his normal, grouchy self by the time jiaoqiu comes back - just kind of standing in the kitchen, holding his coffee, mind off down a different path entirely, wandering back to the fact that he's staying here, at least for now. it's being head bunted that gets him to snap out of the swirl of emotions he's still feeling about the concept of staying somewhere - therion makes a noise, tilting his head up and shutting his eye, making space for this very animal behavior to happen without any actual complaining. letting him into his space like this is a sign enough he's not bothered. ]
What are you complaining to me about it for. [ grumbling. ] And you're the one that put on pants.
no subject
[ yawns. he's happy to be allowed here, pushing his luck, pushing boundaries. but he wasn't very worried about it - therion bought him coffee and got mad when jiaoqiu implied that someone else could steal from him. he figures he's got some leeway in being close. it's sort of all he wants, right now, and it's been so long that he's just letting himself go for it. he leans against therion with a little huff, sipping his coffee. he can make food in a second. cuddle him first. ]
You can take them off me later, once I've checked to make sure that your wounds haven't reopened. You know that I am in possession of a door? Yes?
[ quit going through the window you dingus
he hasn't quite realized that therion did not mean to come back, originally. ]
no subject
anyway. he sighs as if put upon about the injuries and the door comment, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. ]
I didn't feel like digging for your keys. [ thankfully, he's a good liar - he's perfectly fine to keep up this cover story. it's more embarrassing to think that he left and came back. god. not only that, but - there's something that feels very real about using the door that he's just not going to prescribe right now. so. window like a creature it is. ] And I'm not an amateur. I'm fine.
[ like, actually fine. probably? if he reopened something, he didn't feel it. he has climbed much scarier buildings with worse injuries. he also made it up here last night with it freebleeding, so making it down and back up again was fine.
all of this grumbling, and yet, jiaoqiu is allowed to lean against therion - despite his warm face which is only just now coming down to pink, he's pretty cold from being out in the frosty daylight, so he drinks his own coffee with only the usual perfunctory level of complaining about being nagged at, and quietly lets jiaoqiu get as close as he wants. it feels nice, though he won't admit that, either. ]
no subject
jiaoqiu will just settle here for a minute, then. he rests his head against therion's uninjured shoulder, tail swishing gently, sipping his coffee. they could be sitting in bed and doing this if therion hadn't tried to abscond, but here they are. slowly, they can warm up right here, and get used to touching. therion doesn't need to say that he likes it, jiaoqiu can tell. ]
I'd still like to check for possible infection.
[ he was very thorough about cleaning, but still. a beat. he noses a little at therion's jaw. ]
You won't be going several days without changing your bandages, in any case. [ ... ] Last chance to tell me what you'd like to have to eat.
no subject
the nosing at his jaw keeps him from lingering on it for too long - subtly, unintentionally, he tilts a little into it. ]
Whatever's fine. [ he's never once had an actual meal request. he wouldn't even know what to ask for, and frankly, whatever jiaoqiu comes up with tastes better than 95% of the things he eats on a daily basis. ] 'm not hungry.
[ which he knows jiaoqiu will not stand for because he absolutely has not eaten since like three dumplings last night, but that's fine. jiaoqiu seems to be in a really good mood, so if he gets all fussy and naggy, it'll be annoying, but his mother hen behavior is kind of secretly a little bit charming (and a lot funny) so if he can get him to fuss about it then he'll be annoying about it on purpose. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)