[ he is so! confused about the sand! why is there so much of it! is this his fault somehow. he's just kind of staring at it where it has collected on the bed between sips. there's not as much of it, at least. and he's distracted easily enough by therion's bare chest and how much he likes being skin to skin. he rubs his face a little against him, with a sigh.
he mulls over what therion says, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to his brain. he was far, but now he's not? did he teleport? his thoughts wander a little as he drinks, ear flicking gently against therion's chest.
lay down, he says, but jiaoqiu pauses, looking up at him. he's got good hearing. ]
... Are you alright? [ your heart is going so fast, he thinks, concerned. ]
anyway. the affectionate rubbing is allowed - he is so, so weak. he's weak normally, but somehow the one hit ko of being told "i love you" and now dealing with a critically cute and extremely drunk foxian is like, a lot, so he just lets him do whatever he wants.
"are you alright" is a funny question. he snorts. dry. the heartbeat is still going quick. ]
Should I be asking you that? [ god. is he alright? he doesn't know. sometimes he feels insane thinking about this entire situation. sometimes he thinks, bitterly, of how quickly this could go badly - even though it hasn't. he's always on the precipice of reopening that old wound, but this could be a step in the right direction.
there's a pause, and he looks down at jiaoqiu again, making eye contact, and then - after a hesitant moment, reaching and taking his face in his hands. it's not like he's going to remember, he is beyond wasted. ]
[ he is doing his absolute best, here. it's hard out there for a sloshed fox.
he frowns a little at the question. he's trying very, very hard to think of what he might have said that was wrong. was it his edging the void? he knows nihility upsets therion, even if he doesn't admit it. he's been careful about bringing it up - and really, it's been patched over clumsily for a few weeks now, harder to access, so that hasn't even been much of a problem.
still. life is too big. that feels more true than he wants it to, and he forgets about his water in favor of pressing a little closer to therion. hanging on. he's here. ]
... Yes? Did I say something wrong? [ he says finally, expression worried. it's a minefield, sometimes, with therion - he typically can find the triggers easily and avoid them, trained over time, but there are times where he's caught off guard, where he accidentally runs right into one. the look on his face suggests that he's afraid he offended therion somehow with his drunken rambling, ears pinning back against his skull. instinctively, he heavily rests his head in therion's hands, resisting the urge to break eye contact so he can nuzzle at his fingers.
it's not that he doesn't remember - it's just so natural to him in this state to say what he feels about therion that it doesn't occur to him that i love you is what is freaking therion out. ]
[ he's quiet, for a second. looking at the look on his face, the scared pin of his ears. a minefield is an understatement - despite this, he just holds his face when he presses in a little further, his rough thumbs briefly rubbing over his red cheeks. ]
Remind me. What'd you say.
[ just - just to see. just to see if he'll say it again. ]
[ a long pause, like he's trying to methodically work his way to the right answer, like he's doing his best to think through the sludge. he stares up at him with sleepy gold eyes, and eventually, he says: ]
... Life is too big. [ a beat. ] But I love you, and it keeps me here.
[ he lets go of his water with one hand to reach, resting his hand on therion's side. ]
[ he's expecting him to repeat himself - he asked for it, after all - but there's something incredibly intense about hearing it out loud. the waiting is even worse, like he's just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the you're so easy to manipulate even though he knows it won't come. and when it doesn't, when jiaoqiu just affirms what he wrote in that stupid series of texts all at once, it feels like something just bursts.
it's a terrifying feeling, a warmth that he knows by fleeting glance, but never intimately, a pot that's boiled over in an ugly, messy thing, spilling onto the stove, burning anything in its path, sizzling into his synapses. to be known. to be loved.
quiet. he's still holding his face. the hand on his side feels like a brand, but he doesn't move away from it, and after a long, long moment, therion finds the words he wanted to say. just three. achingly, achingly vulnerable, just loud enough to be heard, rough edged. ]
You meant it?
[ and this is stupid. he knows this is stupid, for fucks sake, it's pathetic that he's asking this, let alone that he's doing it while jiaoqiu's not even sober, but its too late. the question's already out of his mouth, and he holds taut like a bowstring, any second away from snapping and fleeing as far and as fast as he can at the wrong answer. but he needs to hear it. ]
[ a beat, and then - clumsily, he shoves his water cup over to the nightstand. he nearly misses, spilling water on himself, but it doesn't matter. he gets it away from him, and then unsteadily, he puts his other hand on therion's side. so he can touch him, run his hands up and down therion's sides, touching just to touch, to reassure. don't go. don't run. ]
Of... of course I do. [ he says, but it's not uncertain, it's just confused. like - well: ] Why wouldn't I mean something like that?
[ it took him getting drunk to be brave enough to say it, but he's felt it for a while, now. he's felt it since he came to his senses in hoolay's stupid fucking office and therion was there, frantically trying to wake him up. he's felt it since therion nearly died trying to get him out, even when he thought jiaoqiu might have been under hoolay's orders. how could he not love someone who so clearly trusts him like this, someone who keeps him here, someone who was far and then wasn't, just because jiaoqiu was teetering on the edge?
the ache of vulnerability in therion's words make jiaoqiu's drunken mind spin, and he tugs therion closer, he tries to get him to lean down a little so jiaoqiu can hug him. it feels awful to think therion might not know how much jiaoqiu cares. he hasn't cried since he was little, but he's so drunk and it's overflowing out of him, and he sniffs a bit, wet, trying to crawl into therion's chest. ]
Of course I love you. [ he mumbles, insistently. ] Sorry.
[ not because he regrets it, but because he knows it's a burden. he's been so scared to say it, but he's drunk and tired and he will just have to deal with the consequences if it means therion doesn't want it. ]
[ christ. okay. there's a flurry of sudden movement, and he adjusts a little so jiaoqiu doesn't dump the water everywhere, half reaching for it in his desperation just to have something to do that isn't just drown in the emotions of everything he said, a swirl of anxiety and terror and shame and the warmth that remains. his hands feel too big for his body, limbs too awkward, and when he comes back, he just kind of stops moving, flustered and overwhelmed all at once.
the confusion isn't - actually that surprising, not really. why wouldn't he? it's just, the last person who supposedly cared about him like this was a liar. the last person who held him by his side cut the tie and laughed at him for tying it in the first place. it's only in the last few years of his life he's even begin to learn to tentatively start to pick up those pieces, forced into the lesson by people like cordelia, people like primrose, people like - more than anyone, people like jiaoqiu.
he lets himself be tugged down, sort of heavily. his knee hits the bed, and he ends up half dropping into his lap when he's pulled, and that's fine. fine in the way it makes his heart race, in the way his hands on his bare skin make him want to curl into it and then never let go, wants to cling to jiaoqiu like a child. its embarrassing, it's overwhelming, and maybe even more so when he sniffles - there's a spike of panic, briefly, he's not sure if he can handle it if he starts crying.
he swallows, hard, and just kind of shifts his hands, sliding one into his hair and letting himself be overwhelmed in the safety net of knowing he probably won't even remember having this conversation, lets himself fall and be caught again. and in fact he's not sure if he'd be able to talk, or even say anything over the heavy weight of his own emotions, but jiaoqiu apologizes, and he reaches up and, a little insistently and tugs on one of his ears. ]
Stop apologizing.
[ because it's not a burden at all - and in fact, the apologizing is the only thing that might make it feel like he doesn't mean it. thankfully he's drunk, so he doesn't even consider that. ]
[ he lets out a warbly, complaining ow when therion pulls his ear, but. okay. that's fair, he won't apologize.
instead, he tugs therion even further down, back onto the bed. lay down, if you're dizzy, he'd said, so. he does, mostly. he takes therion with him as he leans back against the headboard, slumped sitting up there with therion curled in his lap. he's comforted by the weight of him there, against his chest - his heartbeat is easy and strong, not racing. he isn't nervous. therion didn't push him away and crawl out the window, the way he did in all of jiaoqiu's nightmares and daydreams about this. every time, in those idle thoughts, he'd offered and then apologized, backtracked when therion turned to go. there was always an out, even in his thoughts.
jiaoqiu doesn't cry, just clings. wraps his whole body around therion in a confusing tangle, arm slung around therion's waist and the other dragging up his back to rest at the back of his neck, covering. protecting. his tail squirms awkwardly to ease around where therion's sat in his lap, poofed out and trembling.
maybe he won't remember this in the morning. maybe he will. but for now, the only thing that matters to him is making sure therion knows he isn't lying. he hides his face against therion's shoulder, and sighs at the hand in his hair. that's good. he wishes he wasn't wearing a shirt, absently, because he's a little desperate for the skinship.
[ therion goes as jiaoqiu moves him - pulled to lay back down with him, held very gently in place. very, very gently, but no less secure. he can feel every part of him winding around him, from his tail to his hands, can feel the way his tail trembles. it occurs to him very briefly that jiaoqiu might be scared, too.
not - not that he's scared. but nothing confirms that like the tiny, unsteady question buried in his shoulder. do you believe me?
and that's maybe the scariest thing of all.
therion's silent, for a long moment. what crosses his mind first is this - that he upended everything, without a second thought, to follow therion to this place, after he nearly died because someone in therion's life realized that jiaoqiu was something he cared about, and every wrong thing that could have happened, did. that instead of drunk and shoving his hands in therion's pants, snickering in an alleyway at his reactions, he's looking concerned that he might have done something to hurt him.
he thinks of how back in his safehouse, therion had warned him of what his life was like, about what it meant to know him, and jiaoqiu's answer had been, i don't want you to be alone.
he swallows, hard. and though therion doesn't say anything, he turns his head against the side of jiaoqiu's, pressed close to his stupid, twitchy ear, and holds there for a moment, frozen. and then, slowly - mechanically, at first - he nods. once. then twice. he nods again, and he's holding his breath as he does so, and it feels like his eyes are burning when he closes them, tight, and he nods against the tide of fright and anxiety and the ordeal of being known. yes. yes, he believes jiaoqiu. honestly, he's not sure if that's jiaoqiu's tail shaking, or if it's him.
if he's wrong about this, he's the biggest chump in the entire world, and darius was right. but the thing is, over the long year and change of their time together, he can at least start to believe that maybe he isn't. ]
[ there's relief, in the way jiaoqiu exhales. okay. okay.
he strokes his fingers along therion's spine, against the back of his neck. brings them further up to rest against the back of therion's head, keeping him close, cupping him safely. ]
Mm. Breathe.
[ he mumbles, because he knows it's scary. in the morning he's going to panic. in the morning he's going to go through the full spectrum of human emotion because he doesn't know what he's doing at all and if he fucks up this tenuous, tight-strung trust and therion leaves and he's left with another empty bed he'll just let the void take him entirely, he's not strong enough to withstand another loss. with this, he always feels like he's just about to drive off a cliff, like he has no idea where they're going but one wrong press will send them both to their deaths. he's a shell of something trying to grow back. a garden full of snarled weeds that have finally been cut back - with nothing left in it, having to start over, like a hot pot left to mold and burn, bleached and scrubbed. he's good at pretending like he knows what he's doing, but this is the scariest thing in the world, to take the lead when he barely knows who he is anymore. he's learning. he just has to hope it's fast enough. that handing therion his tether is the right thing to do.
right now, though, he's brave. right now the four glasses of malt liquor tells him that he should prove that he loves therion by taking care of him. that's the only thing that makes sense. so, clumsy as he is, he tries.
he kisses therion on the forehead, and eases back against the headboard, and coaxes therion to relax against his chest, his heartbeat. jiaoqiu is warmer, this way. he's enveloped in therion's weight and scent, familiar and safe, and he means to try to force his brain to say more, but.
unless therion says more, he's going to start to doze off, hugging therion to him like a teddy bear, absolutely comforted by him being here. ]
[ breathe, he says. it makes him scoff - half of a laugh, but it's mostly at himself, at this entire situation, because what the fuck. what the fuck! there's something about jiaoqiu telling him to relax and breathe that feels just as ridiculous, but he takes the advice anyway.
there's tension in the back of his neck where jiaoqiu's hand touches it, but that's probably not surprising. it's his turn for everything in this world to just feel too enormous, too big, his turn to just be held here, to be - to be welcomed home, is what it is. the four glasses of malt liquor don't often have the right idea, but maybe right now, they do.
yes, he believes it. he has to sit with the feeling for a while, has to white knuckle at jiaoqiu's shirt. has to berate himself, internally, for doing so, for looking so vulnerable, but the fact that jiaoqiu's not entirely in control of his faculties eases the way. tomorrow, if he forgets, he can pretend this never happened. tomorrow, if he remembers, he might pretend it never happened, anyway. he can hold this tiny, tremulous feeling to himself, that he does believe that jiaoqiu loves him. whether he's deserving of that or not is another thing entirely. whether it lasts, that's another thing entirely. but it is his.
slowly, he lets him coax him into moving. honestly, he's barely paying attention to it, somewhere between dazed and choking on metaphorical flower petals as a kiss is pressed to his forehead. his eyes close and stay closed, because if he opens them, he's not sure he'll be able to continue forward. and when he's finally about ready to make a comment, maybe something snarky, he realizes, belated, that jiaoqiu's breathing has even out.
...
slowly. slowly, carefully, he leans forward, and after a beat of hesitation, presses a kiss to his cheek. it lingers there, soft, a gesture sweet that he rarely ever makes for. just a soft, silent thank you, an unvoiced you too, because that's all he can really do, overwhelmed with the feeling of perhaps loving someone, and being loved in return.
as he slinks back down, he adjusts the pillows a little under jiaoqiu, so he's not sitting up entirely - so his stupid old bones don't ache in the morning - and slowly settles there. eyes wide open and lost in his own thoughts, he curls up there, being held like he's some kind of object of comfort (him? an object of comfort, to who?) and eventually, he curls his hand in the front of his clothes and leaves it there. like a lifeline, like a boat in the middle of a tumultuous sea. ]
[ in his sleep, when therion kisses him on the cheek, jiaoqiu's ears flick, and he lets out a little sigh. noses closer, murmurs therion's name, and sinks into a deeper sleep, unwilling to let therion go.
he can probably worm his way out of jiaoqiu's grip, if he wants. jiaoqiu sleeps like the dead when he's drunk, apparently. it's a deep sleep, but he's restless - it seems like he has nightmares, with the way he clings to either therion or the bed, if therion moved. that's probably not surprising, it's not unusual for him to have them. but he doesn't wake up from them, just makes soft, sad noises and curls up.
it's probably mid morning by the time he wakes up for real. somewhere around eleven. and unfortunately the first thing he does when he wakes up is roll out of bed and frantically run to the bathroom. he was a liar about not yartzing, unfortunately.
catch him dazedly leaning his face against the cool bathtub rim after violently expelling all the alcohol in his system. he looks and feels like garbage, and he hasn't even caught up mentally, yet. groans. ]
[ he doesn't worm out for a long, long time - in fact, though he's awake until the early morning light of dawn starts to poke through the small window, he does not move away from where he's being held. right now, it feels almost like he can indulge in it, like he can steal away the tenderness of jiaoqiu's hold because no one's really watching, because his pride is settled to the side in the moment of sudden vulnerability he allowed himself to have. he knows, logically, that if he gets up, he won't be able to get back down. so... he stays. he stays through those soft sad noises, awake enough to hear them but not knowing what to do, pressed close, feeling selfish and lost and found all at the same time.
he dozes off for a few hours like that - when therion wakes up again, he's still tired and also mortified, and he does in fact wiggle free of jiaoqiu's hold, sliding down and curling up in a ball beside him, back to him, as he is wont to do. on and off, half awake, he doesn't even really realize that he's fallen back asleep until he feels jiaoqiu move the bed.
and, while jiaoqiu is leaning against the tub, therion comes up, silently, and leans on the doorframe, his arms loosely folded over his bare chest. he doesn't say anything at first, just kind of regarding him, and then: ]
'No, Therion, I'm not going to vomit.' [ snarking him first thing after throwing up because that's what a nice person does (?) but hey! you didn't dream that he was here! ]
[ his ear flicks violently, and he just sloooowly turns his face against the tub, looking up at therion with an expression that could curdle milk. unfortunately for jiaoqiu he is completely incapacitated by his hangover, so he can't get up and shave therion bald for his transgressions.
no. he wouldn't, but he looks like a horribly grouchy, super pathetic wet rat from where he's sitting. ]
Very funny, I...
[ a beat. and then he blinks. slow, like he's realizing it: ]
[ HELP THIS LOOK therion is not even remotely afraid or scolded by it, because jiaoqiu is currently a heap on the floor. being a terrible person, he mostly just finds the glowering funny.
as jiaoqiu realizes, though, he lifts both of his hands in a muted “tada” gesture, expression completely deadpan and tone completely flat. ] Surprise.
and perhaps it is clear that his memories are slowly filtering in because he goes bright red. it's kind of impressive how red he gets, considering the struggle his body is having with the hangover. a beat.
he doesn't even know how to begin to approach this. opens his mouth. closes it. and then tries to pick himself up off the bathroom floor, because it's something to do and he doesn't know what else to do. he is struggling. ]
[ baby. therion watches this from his spot at the doorway- the conversation from yesterday flickers like a dying lightbulb somewhere in the back of his brain, but to be fair, there are a lot of things jiaoqiu could be embarrassed about, and maybe stubbornly he can believe that’s what it is and not the actual context.
he snorts and shakes his head, pushing off the doorframe. ]
Was on my way back. [ that’s a lie ] Unless you’re talking about the part where you were clinging to me half the night…?
[ but the way he says that is also so obviously just teasing: despite the deadpan, he does not seem bothered by that much, and he pads over absently when he starts trying to get up and offers a hand. ]
he... takes the hand. he's a little - not hesitant, but cautious. he can see the minefield and he's trying to not set it off. unsteadily, he lets therion help him up, and doesn't let go of his hand. he is a mess of a person at the moment, his hair tangled and his clothes ruffled. ]
You like when I cling. [ he grumbles, ears pinned back. he's sure of that much, at least. ] I... I'm - welcome h -- welcome back.
[ therion says, sarcastically, because he is the most helpful person on the entire planet. clearly he is not going to throw up again. (maybe.) but he does help jiaoqiu up, and then looks him over, from tip to tail. he's still holding his hand? embarrassing. it sends a flutter through him (even more embarrassing!!!) and therion lets go, though it's to fix his rumpled disaster of pajamas for him, straightening them out a little, looking for something else to do with his hands that doesn't remind him of yesterday.
this mostly fails but at least he can play it cool as he tugs on his clothes and tries to de-ruffle him a little ]
[ bold of you to think he got into pajamas before collapsing into bed, he's still wearing yesterday's clothes, so like. slacks and a cardigan.
he lets therion fix them though, even if he's feeling anxious about the hand hold, about yesterday, about - everything. he wants to go find his phone. he wants to make sure he actually said what he said. he's not going to throw up again, but he feels like... bad, absolutely disheveled in a way he isn't normally. his composure is absolutely shot. ]
... I should brush my teeth. [ he mumbles, ears pinned back. ]
[ unfortunately, as far as he can tell all of this is like general embarrassment and not specifically "i said the big l word" embarrassment. which is fine! that suits him great! if he can just focus on jiaoqiu embarrassing himself being a drunk mess and a hungover mess in the morning, then he can not think about the absolutely seismic shift his life has taken in the past twelve hours. he can pretend he didn't tell jiaoqiu he believed what he was saying. because he does. and that's so scary he doesn't want to confront it again, so, in typical therion fashion... he won't!
he picks at this cardigan for a second and then gives up, stepping back. maybe he should give him a minute. therion could also use a minute? he probably also needs one, or maybe he'll start thinking down that line of thinking again. god. there's a weird edge of something awkward here, unusually so, and he does the wise thing, shoving his hands in his pockets. ]
'm gonna go let Prim know you're dying.
[ and like, let her know that he's back, also. it gives him an excuse to skitter out, though he's as cool about it as ever, turning on his heel and giving a two fingered, lazy wave over his shoulder like things are normal. ]
[ he absolutely could use a minute, and he's not going to be in any shape to do work today, which - primrose probably knows, considering she watched boothill and jiaoqiu get wasted at two in the morning. still, it might be nice to just take a second to dunk his head and try to ease the hangover a bit on his own, so he lets therion go, watching him give that little lazy salute.
the second therion is out of the room, he just slumps back down to sit on the edge of the tub and puts his head in his hands. jesus christ. get yourself together. after a moment, he does manage to pull himself back up to go grab his phone.
... and when therion comes back, jiaoqiu isn't in the room! huh. the shower is freshly run and steamed up still, so he probably hasn't gone far. ]
therion's gone for a little while. ten minutes, fifteen. just long enough to swing downstairs and tell primrose, who looks at him a little curiously, and he knows, he knows that she can tell he came back early, but he cuts off any conversation about it before it can even start by being as gruff and brusque as possible. this doesn't stop her from giving him that knowing little smile as he's leaving, but, you know what. whatever.
he tarries a little longer than he needs to, downstairs, hemming and hawing a little before he finally makes his way back up the stairs. if he stops, long enough, he thinks about it. and he just cannot let himself do that? at all? or he will simply evaporate, so he doesn't! he shoves his face a little further into his scarf - the same one jiaoqiu bought him the day they first came to sunshade, that he wears pretty much always, nowadays, and returns to the room after giving himself a pep talk/scolding (mostly scolding) about this entire fucking thing and how absolutely awfully lame he is, and worse, how stupid this whole fucking thing is, and how stupid he probably is, but, whatever, by the time he gets in the room, he's cool as a cucumber. and...
... jiaoqiu's not here....
he frowns. he's not a tracker or anything like that, but he didn't pass jiaoqiu. he looks around the room. ]
...Doc? [ what the fuck
where did you go. is there any sign of anything... are his shoes still here... ]
no, his shoes are here! it doesn't look like anything has really moved much. and it's not going to be very difficult to find jiaoqiu because he is actually in the room, it's just hard to see him. there's a thud from the opposite side of the bed on the floor, and then quiet cursing. a beat. and jiaoqiu sits up, peering at therion from where he is on the floor. all that therion can see are his stupid pink ears and the upper half of his face. which is slightly red again.
he was just laying there, apparently. becoming one with the ground. sup. ]
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no subject
he mulls over what therion says, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to his brain. he was far, but now he's not? did he teleport? his thoughts wander a little as he drinks, ear flicking gently against therion's chest.
lay down, he says, but jiaoqiu pauses, looking up at him. he's got good hearing. ]
... Are you alright? [ your heart is going so fast, he thinks, concerned. ]
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anyway. the affectionate rubbing is allowed - he is so, so weak. he's weak normally, but somehow the one hit ko of being told "i love you" and now dealing with a critically cute and extremely drunk foxian is like, a lot, so he just lets him do whatever he wants.
"are you alright" is a funny question. he snorts. dry. the heartbeat is still going quick. ]
Should I be asking you that? [ god. is he alright? he doesn't know. sometimes he feels insane thinking about this entire situation. sometimes he thinks, bitterly, of how quickly this could go badly - even though it hasn't. he's always on the precipice of reopening that old wound, but this could be a step in the right direction.
there's a pause, and he looks down at jiaoqiu again, making eye contact, and then - after a hesitant moment, reaching and taking his face in his hands. it's not like he's going to remember, he is beyond wasted. ]
Do you remember what you sent me?
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he frowns a little at the question. he's trying very, very hard to think of what he might have said that was wrong. was it his edging the void? he knows nihility upsets therion, even if he doesn't admit it. he's been careful about bringing it up - and really, it's been patched over clumsily for a few weeks now, harder to access, so that hasn't even been much of a problem.
still. life is too big. that feels more true than he wants it to, and he forgets about his water in favor of pressing a little closer to therion. hanging on. he's here. ]
... Yes? Did I say something wrong? [ he says finally, expression worried. it's a minefield, sometimes, with therion - he typically can find the triggers easily and avoid them, trained over time, but there are times where he's caught off guard, where he accidentally runs right into one. the look on his face suggests that he's afraid he offended therion somehow with his drunken rambling, ears pinning back against his skull. instinctively, he heavily rests his head in therion's hands, resisting the urge to break eye contact so he can nuzzle at his fingers.
it's not that he doesn't remember - it's just so natural to him in this state to say what he feels about therion that it doesn't occur to him that i love you is what is freaking therion out. ]
no subject
Remind me. What'd you say.
[ just - just to see. just to see if he'll say it again. ]
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... Life is too big. [ a beat. ] But I love you, and it keeps me here.
[ he lets go of his water with one hand to reach, resting his hand on therion's side. ]
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it's a terrifying feeling, a warmth that he knows by fleeting glance, but never intimately, a pot that's boiled over in an ugly, messy thing, spilling onto the stove, burning anything in its path, sizzling into his synapses. to be known. to be loved.
quiet. he's still holding his face. the hand on his side feels like a brand, but he doesn't move away from it, and after a long, long moment, therion finds the words he wanted to say. just three. achingly, achingly vulnerable, just loud enough to be heard, rough edged. ]
You meant it?
[ and this is stupid. he knows this is stupid, for fucks sake, it's pathetic that he's asking this, let alone that he's doing it while jiaoqiu's not even sober, but its too late. the question's already out of his mouth, and he holds taut like a bowstring, any second away from snapping and fleeing as far and as fast as he can at the wrong answer. but he needs to hear it. ]
no subject
Of... of course I do. [ he says, but it's not uncertain, it's just confused. like - well: ] Why wouldn't I mean something like that?
[ it took him getting drunk to be brave enough to say it, but he's felt it for a while, now. he's felt it since he came to his senses in hoolay's stupid fucking office and therion was there, frantically trying to wake him up. he's felt it since therion nearly died trying to get him out, even when he thought jiaoqiu might have been under hoolay's orders. how could he not love someone who so clearly trusts him like this, someone who keeps him here, someone who was far and then wasn't, just because jiaoqiu was teetering on the edge?
the ache of vulnerability in therion's words make jiaoqiu's drunken mind spin, and he tugs therion closer, he tries to get him to lean down a little so jiaoqiu can hug him. it feels awful to think therion might not know how much jiaoqiu cares. he hasn't cried since he was little, but he's so drunk and it's overflowing out of him, and he sniffs a bit, wet, trying to crawl into therion's chest. ]
Of course I love you. [ he mumbles, insistently. ] Sorry.
[ not because he regrets it, but because he knows it's a burden. he's been so scared to say it, but he's drunk and tired and he will just have to deal with the consequences if it means therion doesn't want it. ]
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the confusion isn't - actually that surprising, not really. why wouldn't he? it's just, the last person who supposedly cared about him like this was a liar. the last person who held him by his side cut the tie and laughed at him for tying it in the first place. it's only in the last few years of his life he's even begin to learn to tentatively start to pick up those pieces, forced into the lesson by people like cordelia, people like primrose, people like - more than anyone, people like jiaoqiu.
he lets himself be tugged down, sort of heavily. his knee hits the bed, and he ends up half dropping into his lap when he's pulled, and that's fine. fine in the way it makes his heart race, in the way his hands on his bare skin make him want to curl into it and then never let go, wants to cling to jiaoqiu like a child. its embarrassing, it's overwhelming, and maybe even more so when he sniffles - there's a spike of panic, briefly, he's not sure if he can handle it if he starts crying.
he swallows, hard, and just kind of shifts his hands, sliding one into his hair and letting himself be overwhelmed in the safety net of knowing he probably won't even remember having this conversation, lets himself fall and be caught again. and in fact he's not sure if he'd be able to talk, or even say anything over the heavy weight of his own emotions, but jiaoqiu apologizes, and he reaches up and, a little insistently and tugs on one of his ears. ]
Stop apologizing.
[ because it's not a burden at all - and in fact, the apologizing is the only thing that might make it feel like he doesn't mean it. thankfully he's drunk, so he doesn't even consider that. ]
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instead, he tugs therion even further down, back onto the bed. lay down, if you're dizzy, he'd said, so. he does, mostly. he takes therion with him as he leans back against the headboard, slumped sitting up there with therion curled in his lap. he's comforted by the weight of him there, against his chest - his heartbeat is easy and strong, not racing. he isn't nervous. therion didn't push him away and crawl out the window, the way he did in all of jiaoqiu's nightmares and daydreams about this. every time, in those idle thoughts, he'd offered and then apologized, backtracked when therion turned to go. there was always an out, even in his thoughts.
jiaoqiu doesn't cry, just clings. wraps his whole body around therion in a confusing tangle, arm slung around therion's waist and the other dragging up his back to rest at the back of his neck, covering. protecting. his tail squirms awkwardly to ease around where therion's sat in his lap, poofed out and trembling.
maybe he won't remember this in the morning. maybe he will. but for now, the only thing that matters to him is making sure therion knows he isn't lying. he hides his face against therion's shoulder, and sighs at the hand in his hair. that's good. he wishes he wasn't wearing a shirt, absently, because he's a little desperate for the skinship.
and after a moment, quietly, uncertain now: ]
Do you believe me?
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not - not that he's scared. but nothing confirms that like the tiny, unsteady question buried in his shoulder. do you believe me?
and that's maybe the scariest thing of all.
therion's silent, for a long moment. what crosses his mind first is this - that he upended everything, without a second thought, to follow therion to this place, after he nearly died because someone in therion's life realized that jiaoqiu was something he cared about, and every wrong thing that could have happened, did. that instead of drunk and shoving his hands in therion's pants, snickering in an alleyway at his reactions, he's looking concerned that he might have done something to hurt him.
he thinks of how back in his safehouse, therion had warned him of what his life was like, about what it meant to know him, and jiaoqiu's answer had been, i don't want you to be alone.
he swallows, hard. and though therion doesn't say anything, he turns his head against the side of jiaoqiu's, pressed close to his stupid, twitchy ear, and holds there for a moment, frozen. and then, slowly - mechanically, at first - he nods. once. then twice. he nods again, and he's holding his breath as he does so, and it feels like his eyes are burning when he closes them, tight, and he nods against the tide of fright and anxiety and the ordeal of being known. yes. yes, he believes jiaoqiu. honestly, he's not sure if that's jiaoqiu's tail shaking, or if it's him.
if he's wrong about this, he's the biggest chump in the entire world, and darius was right. but the thing is, over the long year and change of their time together, he can at least start to believe that maybe he isn't. ]
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he strokes his fingers along therion's spine, against the back of his neck. brings them further up to rest against the back of therion's head, keeping him close, cupping him safely. ]
Mm. Breathe.
[ he mumbles, because he knows it's scary. in the morning he's going to panic. in the morning he's going to go through the full spectrum of human emotion because he doesn't know what he's doing at all and if he fucks up this tenuous, tight-strung trust and therion leaves and he's left with another empty bed he'll just let the void take him entirely, he's not strong enough to withstand another loss. with this, he always feels like he's just about to drive off a cliff, like he has no idea where they're going but one wrong press will send them both to their deaths. he's a shell of something trying to grow back. a garden full of snarled weeds that have finally been cut back - with nothing left in it, having to start over, like a hot pot left to mold and burn, bleached and scrubbed. he's good at pretending like he knows what he's doing, but this is the scariest thing in the world, to take the lead when he barely knows who he is anymore. he's learning. he just has to hope it's fast enough. that handing therion his tether is the right thing to do.
right now, though, he's brave. right now the four glasses of malt liquor tells him that he should prove that he loves therion by taking care of him. that's the only thing that makes sense. so, clumsy as he is, he tries.
he kisses therion on the forehead, and eases back against the headboard, and coaxes therion to relax against his chest, his heartbeat. jiaoqiu is warmer, this way. he's enveloped in therion's weight and scent, familiar and safe, and he means to try to force his brain to say more, but.
unless therion says more, he's going to start to doze off, hugging therion to him like a teddy bear, absolutely comforted by him being here. ]
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there's tension in the back of his neck where jiaoqiu's hand touches it, but that's probably not surprising. it's his turn for everything in this world to just feel too enormous, too big, his turn to just be held here, to be - to be welcomed home, is what it is. the four glasses of malt liquor don't often have the right idea, but maybe right now, they do.
yes, he believes it. he has to sit with the feeling for a while, has to white knuckle at jiaoqiu's shirt. has to berate himself, internally, for doing so, for looking so vulnerable, but the fact that jiaoqiu's not entirely in control of his faculties eases the way. tomorrow, if he forgets, he can pretend this never happened. tomorrow, if he remembers, he might pretend it never happened, anyway. he can hold this tiny, tremulous feeling to himself, that he does believe that jiaoqiu loves him. whether he's deserving of that or not is another thing entirely. whether it lasts, that's another thing entirely. but it is his.
slowly, he lets him coax him into moving. honestly, he's barely paying attention to it, somewhere between dazed and choking on metaphorical flower petals as a kiss is pressed to his forehead. his eyes close and stay closed, because if he opens them, he's not sure he'll be able to continue forward. and when he's finally about ready to make a comment, maybe something snarky, he realizes, belated, that jiaoqiu's breathing has even out.
...
slowly. slowly, carefully, he leans forward, and after a beat of hesitation, presses a kiss to his cheek. it lingers there, soft, a gesture sweet that he rarely ever makes for. just a soft, silent thank you, an unvoiced you too, because that's all he can really do, overwhelmed with the feeling of perhaps loving someone, and being loved in return.
as he slinks back down, he adjusts the pillows a little under jiaoqiu, so he's not sitting up entirely - so his stupid old bones don't ache in the morning - and slowly settles there. eyes wide open and lost in his own thoughts, he curls up there, being held like he's some kind of object of comfort (him? an object of comfort, to who?) and eventually, he curls his hand in the front of his clothes and leaves it there. like a lifeline, like a boat in the middle of a tumultuous sea. ]
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he can probably worm his way out of jiaoqiu's grip, if he wants. jiaoqiu sleeps like the dead when he's drunk, apparently. it's a deep sleep, but he's restless - it seems like he has nightmares, with the way he clings to either therion or the bed, if therion moved. that's probably not surprising, it's not unusual for him to have them. but he doesn't wake up from them, just makes soft, sad noises and curls up.
it's probably mid morning by the time he wakes up for real. somewhere around eleven. and unfortunately the first thing he does when he wakes up is roll out of bed and frantically run to the bathroom. he was a liar about not yartzing, unfortunately.
catch him dazedly leaning his face against the cool bathtub rim after violently expelling all the alcohol in his system. he looks and feels like garbage, and he hasn't even caught up mentally, yet. groans. ]
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he dozes off for a few hours like that - when therion wakes up again, he's still tired and also mortified, and he does in fact wiggle free of jiaoqiu's hold, sliding down and curling up in a ball beside him, back to him, as he is wont to do. on and off, half awake, he doesn't even really realize that he's fallen back asleep until he feels jiaoqiu move the bed.
and, while jiaoqiu is leaning against the tub, therion comes up, silently, and leans on the doorframe, his arms loosely folded over his bare chest. he doesn't say anything at first, just kind of regarding him, and then: ]
'No, Therion, I'm not going to vomit.' [ snarking him first thing after throwing up because that's what a nice person does (?) but hey! you didn't dream that he was here! ]
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no. he wouldn't, but he looks like a horribly grouchy, super pathetic wet rat from where he's sitting. ]
Very funny, I...
[ a beat. and then he blinks. slow, like he's realizing it: ]
Oh, you're... you're here.
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as jiaoqiu realizes, though, he lifts both of his hands in a muted “tada” gesture, expression completely deadpan and tone completely flat. ] Surprise.
[ you are not dreaming! ]
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and perhaps it is clear that his memories are slowly filtering in because he goes bright red. it's kind of impressive how red he gets, considering the struggle his body is having with the hangover. a beat.
he doesn't even know how to begin to approach this. opens his mouth. closes it. and then tries to pick himself up off the bathroom floor, because it's something to do and he doesn't know what else to do. he is struggling. ]
I... I hope that I didn't inconvenience you.
[ he manages, floundering. ]
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he snorts and shakes his head, pushing off the doorframe. ]
Was on my way back. [ that’s a lie ] Unless you’re talking about the part where you were clinging to me half the night…?
[ but the way he says that is also so obviously just teasing: despite the deadpan, he does not seem bothered by that much, and he pads over absently when he starts trying to get up and offers a hand. ]
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he... takes the hand. he's a little - not hesitant, but cautious. he can see the minefield and he's trying to not set it off. unsteadily, he lets therion help him up, and doesn't let go of his hand. he is a mess of a person at the moment, his hair tangled and his clothes ruffled. ]
You like when I cling. [ he grumbles, ears pinned back. he's sure of that much, at least. ] I... I'm - welcome h -- welcome back.
[ good job great you're doing SO good at this ]
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[ therion says, sarcastically, because he is the most helpful person on the entire planet. clearly he is not going to throw up again. (maybe.) but he does help jiaoqiu up, and then looks him over, from tip to tail. he's still holding his hand? embarrassing. it sends a flutter through him (even more embarrassing!!!) and therion lets go, though it's to fix his rumpled disaster of pajamas for him, straightening them out a little, looking for something else to do with his hands that doesn't remind him of yesterday.
this mostly fails but at least he can play it cool as he tugs on his clothes and tries to de-ruffle him a little ]
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he lets therion fix them though, even if he's feeling anxious about the hand hold, about yesterday, about - everything. he wants to go find his phone. he wants to make sure he actually said what he said. he's not going to throw up again, but he feels like... bad, absolutely disheveled in a way he isn't normally. his composure is absolutely shot. ]
... I should brush my teeth. [ he mumbles, ears pinned back. ]
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[ unfortunately, as far as he can tell all of this is like general embarrassment and not specifically "i said the big l word" embarrassment. which is fine! that suits him great! if he can just focus on jiaoqiu embarrassing himself being a drunk mess and a hungover mess in the morning, then he can not think about the absolutely seismic shift his life has taken in the past twelve hours. he can pretend he didn't tell jiaoqiu he believed what he was saying. because he does. and that's so scary he doesn't want to confront it again, so, in typical therion fashion... he won't!
he picks at this cardigan for a second and then gives up, stepping back. maybe he should give him a minute. therion could also use a minute? he probably also needs one, or maybe he'll start thinking down that line of thinking again. god. there's a weird edge of something awkward here, unusually so, and he does the wise thing, shoving his hands in his pockets. ]
'm gonna go let Prim know you're dying.
[ and like, let her know that he's back, also. it gives him an excuse to skitter out, though he's as cool about it as ever, turning on his heel and giving a two fingered, lazy wave over his shoulder like things are normal. ]
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[ he absolutely could use a minute, and he's not going to be in any shape to do work today, which - primrose probably knows, considering she watched boothill and jiaoqiu get wasted at two in the morning. still, it might be nice to just take a second to dunk his head and try to ease the hangover a bit on his own, so he lets therion go, watching him give that little lazy salute.
the second therion is out of the room, he just slumps back down to sit on the edge of the tub and puts his head in his hands. jesus christ. get yourself together. after a moment, he does manage to pull himself back up to go grab his phone.
... and when therion comes back, jiaoqiu isn't in the room! huh. the shower is freshly run and steamed up still, so he probably hasn't gone far. ]
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therion's gone for a little while. ten minutes, fifteen. just long enough to swing downstairs and tell primrose, who looks at him a little curiously, and he knows, he knows that she can tell he came back early, but he cuts off any conversation about it before it can even start by being as gruff and brusque as possible. this doesn't stop her from giving him that knowing little smile as he's leaving, but, you know what. whatever.
he tarries a little longer than he needs to, downstairs, hemming and hawing a little before he finally makes his way back up the stairs. if he stops, long enough, he thinks about it. and he just cannot let himself do that? at all? or he will simply evaporate, so he doesn't! he shoves his face a little further into his scarf - the same one jiaoqiu bought him the day they first came to sunshade, that he wears pretty much always, nowadays, and returns to the room after giving himself a pep talk/scolding (mostly scolding) about this entire fucking thing and how absolutely awfully lame he is, and worse, how stupid this whole fucking thing is, and how stupid he probably is, but, whatever, by the time he gets in the room, he's cool as a cucumber. and...
... jiaoqiu's not here....
he frowns. he's not a tracker or anything like that, but he didn't pass jiaoqiu. he looks around the room. ]
...Doc? [ what the fuck
where did you go. is there any sign of anything... are his shoes still here... ]
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no, his shoes are here! it doesn't look like anything has really moved much. and it's not going to be very difficult to find jiaoqiu because he is actually in the room, it's just hard to see him. there's a thud from the opposite side of the bed on the floor, and then quiet cursing. a beat. and jiaoqiu sits up, peering at therion from where he is on the floor. all that therion can see are his stupid pink ears and the upper half of his face. which is slightly red again.
he was just laying there, apparently. becoming one with the ground. sup. ]
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