[ god - god. something in him just collapses, like a deflating balloon. there's jiaoqiu, half asleep, jolting when he came in. he was right, he is definitely drunk.
(i miss you. i love you.)
god. god, this was so uncool. it's all catching up to him as he stands there like an idiot for a long minute, staring at him, feeling his heart shrivel up in his chest and then burst into something brighter, something that just feels ridiculous. what did he run all the way here for? why did he -
god. he reaches up and scrubs a hand across his face, though it's not like he's upset or anything. just kind of flabbergasted, at himself, at this situation, and he pulls it down and looks at jiaoqiu, and then sighs. he just sighs to the heavens, and rolls his eyes, and comes over. his heart is pounding like a million miles an hour. ]
Aeber's asshole. [ he mutters, to himself, brushes himself off like he is Cool, and then comes over, folding his arms. ] Look at you.
[ it doesn't quite register that therion is actually there, at first? when therion said he'd be back eventually, jiaoqiu thought he was somewhere really far away. he didn't ask for details because it wasn't really all that important. he trusts him. he was somewhere that wasn't here, and he'd be back.
but therion crosses the room and makes grouchy noises, and jiaoqiu is drunk but that doesn't mean his foxian senses don't work. he catches therion's scent, and his ears perk up. and then he's sitting up, dropping his phone on the floor and reaching for him with a pleased look. ]
You're back.
[ his stupid tail is now wagging in earnest. ]
Therion. [ soft, full of affection, sleepy. ] I'm dreaming. Therion.
he opens his mouth to say something else and then shuts it, rapidly, flustered at the sheer amount of dopey affection that is being beamed his way. the tailwagging. the sleepy, cute voice. this is a lot. he sees i love you in text at the back of his mind, flusters harder, and starts to reach for him so he doesn't like, fall off the bed. ]
Yeah, no. What kind of dreams are you having.
[ he should just push him over, but he does not do that, not even sure what to do with himself with this reaction. his ears are starting to turn red. ]
[ okay but this is why he's going to walk directly into traffic tomorrow,
he is in fact about to fall off the bed, so therion catches him a bit, thankfully. he is half hanging out of it, wrapping his arms around therion and pressing his face to his chest, breathing him in. his ears fall back, droopy and tired, relaxed. ]
I'm sorry.
[ he says absently, muffled. ]
I called you back. The nothing isn't here. I'm not hurting myself. You don't have to stay if you weren't ready. [ he says, like he's not digging his claws in, like his tone doesn't get sad when he says it. you don't have to. don't trap yourself. slurred out, as he noses at therion: ]
I missed you. The pillows don't smell like you anymore.
[ oh my god. well, listen. he just pushes him over.
back, towards the bed. harmlessly, he pushes jiaoqiu over. if he's holding onto therion, then that's fine too, because he just goes with him. it's messy fall backwards, limbs everywhere, but it's gentle. ]
Shut up. [ god. he's not sure if he's saying it to all the slurred - not necessarily niceties, but the things he feels that he has to actually say - or to "i missed you", but it works, for both.
pushing him over puts them close, therion propping himself up and over him, staring at him - one focused, bright green eye. he thinks he should probably say something, but he catches himself just staring at jiaoqiu instead, flustered, pink across his nose, staring at jiaoqiu, pink faced and sprawled on this bed that they shared, that he missed therion in, that he just keeps saying that he missed him in , that he said he -
there are no words, so he just gives up, and kisses him. once, messier than he wants it to be, but he doesn't even know what to do or how to even begin to handle how he's feeling about this entire situation, but that seems to be a step in the right direction. ]
[ he makes a very embarrassing noise when therion knocks him over, like - almost a yelp. his center of gravity is absolutely fucked, and he's not very balanced when he's sober so he absolutely gets thrown down to the bed.
but therion comes with. props himself up over jiaoqiu, and he gets caught looking up at him, expression softening slightly at that bright green eye. if he wasn't so preoccupied, he'd run his fingers over his jade bracelet, admiring the matching color. his own gold ones are glazed, but pleased to be where he is. and he's even more pleased - if a little startled - by the way that therion kisses him. the noise he lets out is surprised, but. he very easily leans up into it. his tail loosely wraps around therion's leg, instinctively.
he is very clumsy with it, and it makes him dizzy. but he does his best to return it, because his brain is just a steady stream of yay! therion is here! i love him! i love when he kisses me! this is a nice dream.
his hands sort of just gently come up to hold onto him, too. if he can figure out where therion's hands are he will hold them, by god. ]
[ somehow, therion gets to be the one who pulls back from this more flustered. kissing him did get him to stop talking, but it doesn't make him any less embarrassed. everything about this is a mess, from the fact that he jumped out of a damn train to get over here, that he's getting sand everywhere, that jiaoqiu said that and he won't even remember it.
it probably doesn't mean anything - just drunk rambling, and it is that cold thought that finally frees him away from the actual kiss, except he can't even bring himself to be that cynical about it. no, the best he can manage is exasperation, pulling back a little to look at him more properly, red in the face and smacking his lips together like he tasted something weird, because. ]
Fuck, that's strong. You smell like a distillery.
[ god. okay. okay!!! whatever, he totally didn't just freak out about this, he totally didn't just literally throw aside whatever he was in the midst of doing to show up. he lets jiaoqiu grab onto one of his hands, but the other one comes up and takes his face, and then squishes it, and just stares at him for a second, like he's recalibrating exactly what to do with this situation. ]
[ he's kind of confused when therion pulls away, because he liked the kiss and he kind of wanted to do it more. he'd actually almost considered, when he'd crawled into their bed, calling therion and goading him into phone sex wherever he was, but then he started missing him too badly and it all went to feelings instead. those feelings are still swirling around in his chest, threatening to capsize him. they're a little distracted, at least.
a beat, as he tries to puzzle out why there is... sand everywhere. it takes him a second of staring at said sand before he realizes therion spoke. oh. right. boothill. scowls. ]
I had...
[ he says, squinting. ]
Four glasses. Asdana White Oak. [ which is like, stupidly strong liquor, it's boothill's favorite. fun fact, it comes with a fucking bullet in it because apparently that makes it taste better.
he's going to say more, but then therion's got his face in hand and he's being squished, and he makes a fussy sound, squirming. he does not let go of therion's hand, though. now you're trapped forever, thief boy. ]
[ help the scowl. this is the least threatening and scary frown he's ever seen. he feels himself think that it's cute and stops himself in his tracks, staring at jiaoqiu now that he's got his face squished. ]
No kidding. [ it sure tasted like four.
squishing him makes him feel a little less out of his mind insane, actually, a little more normal even if he's still red in the face and might be forever. though jiaoqiu has his hand, he keeps the other one on his face and squishes it again, scowling in the way that he's really just embarrassed. ]
You're gonna regret this in the morning, and I'm gonna have to hear all about it. [ god. he releases his face and then looks at him again, and starts to lean back like he's getting up. ] You need water.
jiaoqiu does not have the dexterity required right now to keep therion on the bed, so he does let therion get up, but he looks very sad about it. he knows he probably needs water, too, so. very thoroughly squished, jiaoqiu slowly sinks back down to the mattress right where he's sitting and hums. he's not even facing the right way, head at the foot of the bed. ]
Does that mean you'll be here when I wake?
[ he asks, looking up at therion a little hopefully. ]
[ mess!!! you are a mess. god, that just makes him feel even more embarrassed - it's such a reminder, that jiaoqiu wants him here. he knows it, considering he upended his entire life for this, but. still. he goes to the tap and fills up a cup of water, and brings it to jiaoqiu, looking unimpressed but no less embarrassed.
all the heat he could possibly have is just. nonexistent, even as he's frowning. his ears are red and they will stay that way. ]
I told you, you're not dreaming. So. Yes. Just - drink this. [ pushing the cup into his hands. god. he'll help him sit up if he's sprawling. ] I'm not holding your hair back for you when you're throwing up.
[ he is SUCH a mess - he hasn't had alcohol in years, and now he's paying for it with being a sloppy drunk. it feels kind of nice, though? it feels a little like letting himself sink into nihility but without the parts that hurt. that's dangerous. he should probably not drink again, he thinks absently.
but then therion comes back with water, and jiaoqiu tries his best to sit back up and fails, so therion does have to help him. he takes the cup in both hands and sips, leaning heavily on therion. ]
I won't vomit. [ he mumbles, tail wrapping around therion. a beat. ] I thought... I thought you were far away.
[ god. therion brushes himself off - after a minute, he kicks out of his shoes and sheds his hoodie, dumping a little more sand on the floor but now dumping far less on the bed, and attends to jiaoqiu as he is. when he fails at sitting, he just stands there so he can lean into his bare chest, supporting him with his body weight.
and when he speaks up again, he says, immediate, not really thinking - ] I was.
[ far away. or, at least, far enough. therion was planning on being farther. but jiaoqiu started to trip towards the void again, and on sheer impulsive drive, he came right back. he won't explain that - he wouldn't explain it normally, let alone like this. but he was kind of far, and he came back.
mmf. the tail winding around his leg is familiar, and he lets him hold on while he drinks his water, staring down at him, at the way jiaoqiu has unequivocally changed his life. his heart is racing hard, and unfortunately it's very near one of those fluffy ears, but he's not thinking about that, right now. ] Lay down, when you're done.
[ he is so! confused about the sand! why is there so much of it! is this his fault somehow. he's just kind of staring at it where it has collected on the bed between sips. there's not as much of it, at least. and he's distracted easily enough by therion's bare chest and how much he likes being skin to skin. he rubs his face a little against him, with a sigh.
he mulls over what therion says, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to his brain. he was far, but now he's not? did he teleport? his thoughts wander a little as he drinks, ear flicking gently against therion's chest.
lay down, he says, but jiaoqiu pauses, looking up at him. he's got good hearing. ]
... Are you alright? [ your heart is going so fast, he thinks, concerned. ]
anyway. the affectionate rubbing is allowed - he is so, so weak. he's weak normally, but somehow the one hit ko of being told "i love you" and now dealing with a critically cute and extremely drunk foxian is like, a lot, so he just lets him do whatever he wants.
"are you alright" is a funny question. he snorts. dry. the heartbeat is still going quick. ]
Should I be asking you that? [ god. is he alright? he doesn't know. sometimes he feels insane thinking about this entire situation. sometimes he thinks, bitterly, of how quickly this could go badly - even though it hasn't. he's always on the precipice of reopening that old wound, but this could be a step in the right direction.
there's a pause, and he looks down at jiaoqiu again, making eye contact, and then - after a hesitant moment, reaching and taking his face in his hands. it's not like he's going to remember, he is beyond wasted. ]
[ he is doing his absolute best, here. it's hard out there for a sloshed fox.
he frowns a little at the question. he's trying very, very hard to think of what he might have said that was wrong. was it his edging the void? he knows nihility upsets therion, even if he doesn't admit it. he's been careful about bringing it up - and really, it's been patched over clumsily for a few weeks now, harder to access, so that hasn't even been much of a problem.
still. life is too big. that feels more true than he wants it to, and he forgets about his water in favor of pressing a little closer to therion. hanging on. he's here. ]
... Yes? Did I say something wrong? [ he says finally, expression worried. it's a minefield, sometimes, with therion - he typically can find the triggers easily and avoid them, trained over time, but there are times where he's caught off guard, where he accidentally runs right into one. the look on his face suggests that he's afraid he offended therion somehow with his drunken rambling, ears pinning back against his skull. instinctively, he heavily rests his head in therion's hands, resisting the urge to break eye contact so he can nuzzle at his fingers.
it's not that he doesn't remember - it's just so natural to him in this state to say what he feels about therion that it doesn't occur to him that i love you is what is freaking therion out. ]
[ he's quiet, for a second. looking at the look on his face, the scared pin of his ears. a minefield is an understatement - despite this, he just holds his face when he presses in a little further, his rough thumbs briefly rubbing over his red cheeks. ]
Remind me. What'd you say.
[ just - just to see. just to see if he'll say it again. ]
[ a long pause, like he's trying to methodically work his way to the right answer, like he's doing his best to think through the sludge. he stares up at him with sleepy gold eyes, and eventually, he says: ]
... Life is too big. [ a beat. ] But I love you, and it keeps me here.
[ he lets go of his water with one hand to reach, resting his hand on therion's side. ]
[ he's expecting him to repeat himself - he asked for it, after all - but there's something incredibly intense about hearing it out loud. the waiting is even worse, like he's just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the you're so easy to manipulate even though he knows it won't come. and when it doesn't, when jiaoqiu just affirms what he wrote in that stupid series of texts all at once, it feels like something just bursts.
it's a terrifying feeling, a warmth that he knows by fleeting glance, but never intimately, a pot that's boiled over in an ugly, messy thing, spilling onto the stove, burning anything in its path, sizzling into his synapses. to be known. to be loved.
quiet. he's still holding his face. the hand on his side feels like a brand, but he doesn't move away from it, and after a long, long moment, therion finds the words he wanted to say. just three. achingly, achingly vulnerable, just loud enough to be heard, rough edged. ]
You meant it?
[ and this is stupid. he knows this is stupid, for fucks sake, it's pathetic that he's asking this, let alone that he's doing it while jiaoqiu's not even sober, but its too late. the question's already out of his mouth, and he holds taut like a bowstring, any second away from snapping and fleeing as far and as fast as he can at the wrong answer. but he needs to hear it. ]
[ a beat, and then - clumsily, he shoves his water cup over to the nightstand. he nearly misses, spilling water on himself, but it doesn't matter. he gets it away from him, and then unsteadily, he puts his other hand on therion's side. so he can touch him, run his hands up and down therion's sides, touching just to touch, to reassure. don't go. don't run. ]
Of... of course I do. [ he says, but it's not uncertain, it's just confused. like - well: ] Why wouldn't I mean something like that?
[ it took him getting drunk to be brave enough to say it, but he's felt it for a while, now. he's felt it since he came to his senses in hoolay's stupid fucking office and therion was there, frantically trying to wake him up. he's felt it since therion nearly died trying to get him out, even when he thought jiaoqiu might have been under hoolay's orders. how could he not love someone who so clearly trusts him like this, someone who keeps him here, someone who was far and then wasn't, just because jiaoqiu was teetering on the edge?
the ache of vulnerability in therion's words make jiaoqiu's drunken mind spin, and he tugs therion closer, he tries to get him to lean down a little so jiaoqiu can hug him. it feels awful to think therion might not know how much jiaoqiu cares. he hasn't cried since he was little, but he's so drunk and it's overflowing out of him, and he sniffs a bit, wet, trying to crawl into therion's chest. ]
Of course I love you. [ he mumbles, insistently. ] Sorry.
[ not because he regrets it, but because he knows it's a burden. he's been so scared to say it, but he's drunk and tired and he will just have to deal with the consequences if it means therion doesn't want it. ]
[ christ. okay. there's a flurry of sudden movement, and he adjusts a little so jiaoqiu doesn't dump the water everywhere, half reaching for it in his desperation just to have something to do that isn't just drown in the emotions of everything he said, a swirl of anxiety and terror and shame and the warmth that remains. his hands feel too big for his body, limbs too awkward, and when he comes back, he just kind of stops moving, flustered and overwhelmed all at once.
the confusion isn't - actually that surprising, not really. why wouldn't he? it's just, the last person who supposedly cared about him like this was a liar. the last person who held him by his side cut the tie and laughed at him for tying it in the first place. it's only in the last few years of his life he's even begin to learn to tentatively start to pick up those pieces, forced into the lesson by people like cordelia, people like primrose, people like - more than anyone, people like jiaoqiu.
he lets himself be tugged down, sort of heavily. his knee hits the bed, and he ends up half dropping into his lap when he's pulled, and that's fine. fine in the way it makes his heart race, in the way his hands on his bare skin make him want to curl into it and then never let go, wants to cling to jiaoqiu like a child. its embarrassing, it's overwhelming, and maybe even more so when he sniffles - there's a spike of panic, briefly, he's not sure if he can handle it if he starts crying.
he swallows, hard, and just kind of shifts his hands, sliding one into his hair and letting himself be overwhelmed in the safety net of knowing he probably won't even remember having this conversation, lets himself fall and be caught again. and in fact he's not sure if he'd be able to talk, or even say anything over the heavy weight of his own emotions, but jiaoqiu apologizes, and he reaches up and, a little insistently and tugs on one of his ears. ]
Stop apologizing.
[ because it's not a burden at all - and in fact, the apologizing is the only thing that might make it feel like he doesn't mean it. thankfully he's drunk, so he doesn't even consider that. ]
[ he lets out a warbly, complaining ow when therion pulls his ear, but. okay. that's fair, he won't apologize.
instead, he tugs therion even further down, back onto the bed. lay down, if you're dizzy, he'd said, so. he does, mostly. he takes therion with him as he leans back against the headboard, slumped sitting up there with therion curled in his lap. he's comforted by the weight of him there, against his chest - his heartbeat is easy and strong, not racing. he isn't nervous. therion didn't push him away and crawl out the window, the way he did in all of jiaoqiu's nightmares and daydreams about this. every time, in those idle thoughts, he'd offered and then apologized, backtracked when therion turned to go. there was always an out, even in his thoughts.
jiaoqiu doesn't cry, just clings. wraps his whole body around therion in a confusing tangle, arm slung around therion's waist and the other dragging up his back to rest at the back of his neck, covering. protecting. his tail squirms awkwardly to ease around where therion's sat in his lap, poofed out and trembling.
maybe he won't remember this in the morning. maybe he will. but for now, the only thing that matters to him is making sure therion knows he isn't lying. he hides his face against therion's shoulder, and sighs at the hand in his hair. that's good. he wishes he wasn't wearing a shirt, absently, because he's a little desperate for the skinship.
[ therion goes as jiaoqiu moves him - pulled to lay back down with him, held very gently in place. very, very gently, but no less secure. he can feel every part of him winding around him, from his tail to his hands, can feel the way his tail trembles. it occurs to him very briefly that jiaoqiu might be scared, too.
not - not that he's scared. but nothing confirms that like the tiny, unsteady question buried in his shoulder. do you believe me?
and that's maybe the scariest thing of all.
therion's silent, for a long moment. what crosses his mind first is this - that he upended everything, without a second thought, to follow therion to this place, after he nearly died because someone in therion's life realized that jiaoqiu was something he cared about, and every wrong thing that could have happened, did. that instead of drunk and shoving his hands in therion's pants, snickering in an alleyway at his reactions, he's looking concerned that he might have done something to hurt him.
he thinks of how back in his safehouse, therion had warned him of what his life was like, about what it meant to know him, and jiaoqiu's answer had been, i don't want you to be alone.
he swallows, hard. and though therion doesn't say anything, he turns his head against the side of jiaoqiu's, pressed close to his stupid, twitchy ear, and holds there for a moment, frozen. and then, slowly - mechanically, at first - he nods. once. then twice. he nods again, and he's holding his breath as he does so, and it feels like his eyes are burning when he closes them, tight, and he nods against the tide of fright and anxiety and the ordeal of being known. yes. yes, he believes jiaoqiu. honestly, he's not sure if that's jiaoqiu's tail shaking, or if it's him.
if he's wrong about this, he's the biggest chump in the entire world, and darius was right. but the thing is, over the long year and change of their time together, he can at least start to believe that maybe he isn't. ]
[ there's relief, in the way jiaoqiu exhales. okay. okay.
he strokes his fingers along therion's spine, against the back of his neck. brings them further up to rest against the back of therion's head, keeping him close, cupping him safely. ]
Mm. Breathe.
[ he mumbles, because he knows it's scary. in the morning he's going to panic. in the morning he's going to go through the full spectrum of human emotion because he doesn't know what he's doing at all and if he fucks up this tenuous, tight-strung trust and therion leaves and he's left with another empty bed he'll just let the void take him entirely, he's not strong enough to withstand another loss. with this, he always feels like he's just about to drive off a cliff, like he has no idea where they're going but one wrong press will send them both to their deaths. he's a shell of something trying to grow back. a garden full of snarled weeds that have finally been cut back - with nothing left in it, having to start over, like a hot pot left to mold and burn, bleached and scrubbed. he's good at pretending like he knows what he's doing, but this is the scariest thing in the world, to take the lead when he barely knows who he is anymore. he's learning. he just has to hope it's fast enough. that handing therion his tether is the right thing to do.
right now, though, he's brave. right now the four glasses of malt liquor tells him that he should prove that he loves therion by taking care of him. that's the only thing that makes sense. so, clumsy as he is, he tries.
he kisses therion on the forehead, and eases back against the headboard, and coaxes therion to relax against his chest, his heartbeat. jiaoqiu is warmer, this way. he's enveloped in therion's weight and scent, familiar and safe, and he means to try to force his brain to say more, but.
unless therion says more, he's going to start to doze off, hugging therion to him like a teddy bear, absolutely comforted by him being here. ]
[ breathe, he says. it makes him scoff - half of a laugh, but it's mostly at himself, at this entire situation, because what the fuck. what the fuck! there's something about jiaoqiu telling him to relax and breathe that feels just as ridiculous, but he takes the advice anyway.
there's tension in the back of his neck where jiaoqiu's hand touches it, but that's probably not surprising. it's his turn for everything in this world to just feel too enormous, too big, his turn to just be held here, to be - to be welcomed home, is what it is. the four glasses of malt liquor don't often have the right idea, but maybe right now, they do.
yes, he believes it. he has to sit with the feeling for a while, has to white knuckle at jiaoqiu's shirt. has to berate himself, internally, for doing so, for looking so vulnerable, but the fact that jiaoqiu's not entirely in control of his faculties eases the way. tomorrow, if he forgets, he can pretend this never happened. tomorrow, if he remembers, he might pretend it never happened, anyway. he can hold this tiny, tremulous feeling to himself, that he does believe that jiaoqiu loves him. whether he's deserving of that or not is another thing entirely. whether it lasts, that's another thing entirely. but it is his.
slowly, he lets him coax him into moving. honestly, he's barely paying attention to it, somewhere between dazed and choking on metaphorical flower petals as a kiss is pressed to his forehead. his eyes close and stay closed, because if he opens them, he's not sure he'll be able to continue forward. and when he's finally about ready to make a comment, maybe something snarky, he realizes, belated, that jiaoqiu's breathing has even out.
...
slowly. slowly, carefully, he leans forward, and after a beat of hesitation, presses a kiss to his cheek. it lingers there, soft, a gesture sweet that he rarely ever makes for. just a soft, silent thank you, an unvoiced you too, because that's all he can really do, overwhelmed with the feeling of perhaps loving someone, and being loved in return.
as he slinks back down, he adjusts the pillows a little under jiaoqiu, so he's not sitting up entirely - so his stupid old bones don't ache in the morning - and slowly settles there. eyes wide open and lost in his own thoughts, he curls up there, being held like he's some kind of object of comfort (him? an object of comfort, to who?) and eventually, he curls his hand in the front of his clothes and leaves it there. like a lifeline, like a boat in the middle of a tumultuous sea. ]
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(i miss you. i love you.)
god. god, this was so uncool. it's all catching up to him as he stands there like an idiot for a long minute, staring at him, feeling his heart shrivel up in his chest and then burst into something brighter, something that just feels ridiculous. what did he run all the way here for? why did he -
god. he reaches up and scrubs a hand across his face, though it's not like he's upset or anything. just kind of flabbergasted, at himself, at this situation, and he pulls it down and looks at jiaoqiu, and then sighs. he just sighs to the heavens, and rolls his eyes, and comes over. his heart is pounding like a million miles an hour. ]
Aeber's asshole. [ he mutters, to himself, brushes himself off like he is Cool, and then comes over, folding his arms. ] Look at you.
no subject
but therion crosses the room and makes grouchy noises, and jiaoqiu is drunk but that doesn't mean his foxian senses don't work. he catches therion's scent, and his ears perk up. and then he's sitting up, dropping his phone on the floor and reaching for him with a pleased look. ]
You're back.
[ his stupid tail is now wagging in earnest. ]
Therion. [ soft, full of affection, sleepy. ] I'm dreaming. Therion.
no subject
he opens his mouth to say something else and then shuts it, rapidly, flustered at the sheer amount of dopey affection that is being beamed his way. the tailwagging. the sleepy, cute voice. this is a lot. he sees i love you in text at the back of his mind, flusters harder, and starts to reach for him so he doesn't like, fall off the bed. ]
Yeah, no. What kind of dreams are you having.
[ he should just push him over, but he does not do that, not even sure what to do with himself with this reaction. his ears are starting to turn red. ]
no subject
he is in fact about to fall off the bed, so therion catches him a bit, thankfully. he is half hanging out of it, wrapping his arms around therion and pressing his face to his chest, breathing him in. his ears fall back, droopy and tired, relaxed. ]
I'm sorry.
[ he says absently, muffled. ]
I called you back. The nothing isn't here. I'm not hurting myself. You don't have to stay if you weren't ready. [ he says, like he's not digging his claws in, like his tone doesn't get sad when he says it. you don't have to. don't trap yourself. slurred out, as he noses at therion: ]
I missed you. The pillows don't smell like you anymore.
no subject
back, towards the bed. harmlessly, he pushes jiaoqiu over. if he's holding onto therion, then that's fine too, because he just goes with him. it's messy fall backwards, limbs everywhere, but it's gentle. ]
Shut up. [ god. he's not sure if he's saying it to all the slurred - not necessarily niceties, but the things he feels that he has to actually say - or to "i missed you", but it works, for both.
pushing him over puts them close, therion propping himself up and over him, staring at him - one focused, bright green eye. he thinks he should probably say something, but he catches himself just staring at jiaoqiu instead, flustered, pink across his nose, staring at jiaoqiu, pink faced and sprawled on this bed that they shared, that he missed therion in, that he just keeps saying that he missed him in , that he said he -
there are no words, so he just gives up, and kisses him. once, messier than he wants it to be, but he doesn't even know what to do or how to even begin to handle how he's feeling about this entire situation, but that seems to be a step in the right direction. ]
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but therion comes with. props himself up over jiaoqiu, and he gets caught looking up at him, expression softening slightly at that bright green eye. if he wasn't so preoccupied, he'd run his fingers over his jade bracelet, admiring the matching color. his own gold ones are glazed, but pleased to be where he is. and he's even more pleased - if a little startled - by the way that therion kisses him. the noise he lets out is surprised, but. he very easily leans up into it. his tail loosely wraps around therion's leg, instinctively.
he is very clumsy with it, and it makes him dizzy. but he does his best to return it, because his brain is just a steady stream of yay! therion is here! i love him! i love when he kisses me! this is a nice dream.
his hands sort of just gently come up to hold onto him, too. if he can figure out where therion's hands are he will hold them, by god. ]
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it probably doesn't mean anything - just drunk rambling, and it is that cold thought that finally frees him away from the actual kiss, except he can't even bring himself to be that cynical about it. no, the best he can manage is exasperation, pulling back a little to look at him more properly, red in the face and smacking his lips together like he tasted something weird, because. ]
Fuck, that's strong. You smell like a distillery.
[ god. okay. okay!!! whatever, he totally didn't just freak out about this, he totally didn't just literally throw aside whatever he was in the midst of doing to show up. he lets jiaoqiu grab onto one of his hands, but the other one comes up and takes his face, and then squishes it, and just stares at him for a second, like he's recalibrating exactly what to do with this situation. ]
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a beat, as he tries to puzzle out why there is... sand everywhere. it takes him a second of staring at said sand before he realizes therion spoke. oh. right. boothill. scowls. ]
I had...
[ he says, squinting. ]
Four glasses. Asdana White Oak. [ which is like, stupidly strong liquor, it's boothill's favorite. fun fact, it comes with a fucking bullet in it because apparently that makes it taste better.
he's going to say more, but then therion's got his face in hand and he's being squished, and he makes a fussy sound, squirming. he does not let go of therion's hand, though. now you're trapped forever, thief boy. ]
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No kidding. [ it sure tasted like four.
squishing him makes him feel a little less out of his mind insane, actually, a little more normal even if he's still red in the face and might be forever. though jiaoqiu has his hand, he keeps the other one on his face and squishes it again, scowling in the way that he's really just embarrassed. ]
You're gonna regret this in the morning, and I'm gonna have to hear all about it. [ god. he releases his face and then looks at him again, and starts to lean back like he's getting up. ] You need water.
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jiaoqiu does not have the dexterity required right now to keep therion on the bed, so he does let therion get up, but he looks very sad about it. he knows he probably needs water, too, so. very thoroughly squished, jiaoqiu slowly sinks back down to the mattress right where he's sitting and hums. he's not even facing the right way, head at the foot of the bed. ]
Does that mean you'll be here when I wake?
[ he asks, looking up at therion a little hopefully. ]
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all the heat he could possibly have is just. nonexistent, even as he's frowning. his ears are red and they will stay that way. ]
I told you, you're not dreaming. So. Yes. Just - drink this. [ pushing the cup into his hands. god. he'll help him sit up if he's sprawling. ] I'm not holding your hair back for you when you're throwing up.
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but then therion comes back with water, and jiaoqiu tries his best to sit back up and fails, so therion does have to help him. he takes the cup in both hands and sips, leaning heavily on therion. ]
I won't vomit. [ he mumbles, tail wrapping around therion. a beat. ] I thought... I thought you were far away.
Mmm... dizzy.
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and when he speaks up again, he says, immediate, not really thinking - ] I was.
[ far away. or, at least, far enough. therion was planning on being farther. but jiaoqiu started to trip towards the void again, and on sheer impulsive drive, he came right back. he won't explain that - he wouldn't explain it normally, let alone like this. but he was kind of far, and he came back.
mmf. the tail winding around his leg is familiar, and he lets him hold on while he drinks his water, staring down at him, at the way jiaoqiu has unequivocally changed his life. his heart is racing hard, and unfortunately it's very near one of those fluffy ears, but he's not thinking about that, right now. ] Lay down, when you're done.
[ if he's dizzy. ]
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he mulls over what therion says, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to his brain. he was far, but now he's not? did he teleport? his thoughts wander a little as he drinks, ear flicking gently against therion's chest.
lay down, he says, but jiaoqiu pauses, looking up at him. he's got good hearing. ]
... Are you alright? [ your heart is going so fast, he thinks, concerned. ]
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anyway. the affectionate rubbing is allowed - he is so, so weak. he's weak normally, but somehow the one hit ko of being told "i love you" and now dealing with a critically cute and extremely drunk foxian is like, a lot, so he just lets him do whatever he wants.
"are you alright" is a funny question. he snorts. dry. the heartbeat is still going quick. ]
Should I be asking you that? [ god. is he alright? he doesn't know. sometimes he feels insane thinking about this entire situation. sometimes he thinks, bitterly, of how quickly this could go badly - even though it hasn't. he's always on the precipice of reopening that old wound, but this could be a step in the right direction.
there's a pause, and he looks down at jiaoqiu again, making eye contact, and then - after a hesitant moment, reaching and taking his face in his hands. it's not like he's going to remember, he is beyond wasted. ]
Do you remember what you sent me?
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he frowns a little at the question. he's trying very, very hard to think of what he might have said that was wrong. was it his edging the void? he knows nihility upsets therion, even if he doesn't admit it. he's been careful about bringing it up - and really, it's been patched over clumsily for a few weeks now, harder to access, so that hasn't even been much of a problem.
still. life is too big. that feels more true than he wants it to, and he forgets about his water in favor of pressing a little closer to therion. hanging on. he's here. ]
... Yes? Did I say something wrong? [ he says finally, expression worried. it's a minefield, sometimes, with therion - he typically can find the triggers easily and avoid them, trained over time, but there are times where he's caught off guard, where he accidentally runs right into one. the look on his face suggests that he's afraid he offended therion somehow with his drunken rambling, ears pinning back against his skull. instinctively, he heavily rests his head in therion's hands, resisting the urge to break eye contact so he can nuzzle at his fingers.
it's not that he doesn't remember - it's just so natural to him in this state to say what he feels about therion that it doesn't occur to him that i love you is what is freaking therion out. ]
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Remind me. What'd you say.
[ just - just to see. just to see if he'll say it again. ]
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... Life is too big. [ a beat. ] But I love you, and it keeps me here.
[ he lets go of his water with one hand to reach, resting his hand on therion's side. ]
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it's a terrifying feeling, a warmth that he knows by fleeting glance, but never intimately, a pot that's boiled over in an ugly, messy thing, spilling onto the stove, burning anything in its path, sizzling into his synapses. to be known. to be loved.
quiet. he's still holding his face. the hand on his side feels like a brand, but he doesn't move away from it, and after a long, long moment, therion finds the words he wanted to say. just three. achingly, achingly vulnerable, just loud enough to be heard, rough edged. ]
You meant it?
[ and this is stupid. he knows this is stupid, for fucks sake, it's pathetic that he's asking this, let alone that he's doing it while jiaoqiu's not even sober, but its too late. the question's already out of his mouth, and he holds taut like a bowstring, any second away from snapping and fleeing as far and as fast as he can at the wrong answer. but he needs to hear it. ]
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Of... of course I do. [ he says, but it's not uncertain, it's just confused. like - well: ] Why wouldn't I mean something like that?
[ it took him getting drunk to be brave enough to say it, but he's felt it for a while, now. he's felt it since he came to his senses in hoolay's stupid fucking office and therion was there, frantically trying to wake him up. he's felt it since therion nearly died trying to get him out, even when he thought jiaoqiu might have been under hoolay's orders. how could he not love someone who so clearly trusts him like this, someone who keeps him here, someone who was far and then wasn't, just because jiaoqiu was teetering on the edge?
the ache of vulnerability in therion's words make jiaoqiu's drunken mind spin, and he tugs therion closer, he tries to get him to lean down a little so jiaoqiu can hug him. it feels awful to think therion might not know how much jiaoqiu cares. he hasn't cried since he was little, but he's so drunk and it's overflowing out of him, and he sniffs a bit, wet, trying to crawl into therion's chest. ]
Of course I love you. [ he mumbles, insistently. ] Sorry.
[ not because he regrets it, but because he knows it's a burden. he's been so scared to say it, but he's drunk and tired and he will just have to deal with the consequences if it means therion doesn't want it. ]
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the confusion isn't - actually that surprising, not really. why wouldn't he? it's just, the last person who supposedly cared about him like this was a liar. the last person who held him by his side cut the tie and laughed at him for tying it in the first place. it's only in the last few years of his life he's even begin to learn to tentatively start to pick up those pieces, forced into the lesson by people like cordelia, people like primrose, people like - more than anyone, people like jiaoqiu.
he lets himself be tugged down, sort of heavily. his knee hits the bed, and he ends up half dropping into his lap when he's pulled, and that's fine. fine in the way it makes his heart race, in the way his hands on his bare skin make him want to curl into it and then never let go, wants to cling to jiaoqiu like a child. its embarrassing, it's overwhelming, and maybe even more so when he sniffles - there's a spike of panic, briefly, he's not sure if he can handle it if he starts crying.
he swallows, hard, and just kind of shifts his hands, sliding one into his hair and letting himself be overwhelmed in the safety net of knowing he probably won't even remember having this conversation, lets himself fall and be caught again. and in fact he's not sure if he'd be able to talk, or even say anything over the heavy weight of his own emotions, but jiaoqiu apologizes, and he reaches up and, a little insistently and tugs on one of his ears. ]
Stop apologizing.
[ because it's not a burden at all - and in fact, the apologizing is the only thing that might make it feel like he doesn't mean it. thankfully he's drunk, so he doesn't even consider that. ]
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instead, he tugs therion even further down, back onto the bed. lay down, if you're dizzy, he'd said, so. he does, mostly. he takes therion with him as he leans back against the headboard, slumped sitting up there with therion curled in his lap. he's comforted by the weight of him there, against his chest - his heartbeat is easy and strong, not racing. he isn't nervous. therion didn't push him away and crawl out the window, the way he did in all of jiaoqiu's nightmares and daydreams about this. every time, in those idle thoughts, he'd offered and then apologized, backtracked when therion turned to go. there was always an out, even in his thoughts.
jiaoqiu doesn't cry, just clings. wraps his whole body around therion in a confusing tangle, arm slung around therion's waist and the other dragging up his back to rest at the back of his neck, covering. protecting. his tail squirms awkwardly to ease around where therion's sat in his lap, poofed out and trembling.
maybe he won't remember this in the morning. maybe he will. but for now, the only thing that matters to him is making sure therion knows he isn't lying. he hides his face against therion's shoulder, and sighs at the hand in his hair. that's good. he wishes he wasn't wearing a shirt, absently, because he's a little desperate for the skinship.
and after a moment, quietly, uncertain now: ]
Do you believe me?
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not - not that he's scared. but nothing confirms that like the tiny, unsteady question buried in his shoulder. do you believe me?
and that's maybe the scariest thing of all.
therion's silent, for a long moment. what crosses his mind first is this - that he upended everything, without a second thought, to follow therion to this place, after he nearly died because someone in therion's life realized that jiaoqiu was something he cared about, and every wrong thing that could have happened, did. that instead of drunk and shoving his hands in therion's pants, snickering in an alleyway at his reactions, he's looking concerned that he might have done something to hurt him.
he thinks of how back in his safehouse, therion had warned him of what his life was like, about what it meant to know him, and jiaoqiu's answer had been, i don't want you to be alone.
he swallows, hard. and though therion doesn't say anything, he turns his head against the side of jiaoqiu's, pressed close to his stupid, twitchy ear, and holds there for a moment, frozen. and then, slowly - mechanically, at first - he nods. once. then twice. he nods again, and he's holding his breath as he does so, and it feels like his eyes are burning when he closes them, tight, and he nods against the tide of fright and anxiety and the ordeal of being known. yes. yes, he believes jiaoqiu. honestly, he's not sure if that's jiaoqiu's tail shaking, or if it's him.
if he's wrong about this, he's the biggest chump in the entire world, and darius was right. but the thing is, over the long year and change of their time together, he can at least start to believe that maybe he isn't. ]
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he strokes his fingers along therion's spine, against the back of his neck. brings them further up to rest against the back of therion's head, keeping him close, cupping him safely. ]
Mm. Breathe.
[ he mumbles, because he knows it's scary. in the morning he's going to panic. in the morning he's going to go through the full spectrum of human emotion because he doesn't know what he's doing at all and if he fucks up this tenuous, tight-strung trust and therion leaves and he's left with another empty bed he'll just let the void take him entirely, he's not strong enough to withstand another loss. with this, he always feels like he's just about to drive off a cliff, like he has no idea where they're going but one wrong press will send them both to their deaths. he's a shell of something trying to grow back. a garden full of snarled weeds that have finally been cut back - with nothing left in it, having to start over, like a hot pot left to mold and burn, bleached and scrubbed. he's good at pretending like he knows what he's doing, but this is the scariest thing in the world, to take the lead when he barely knows who he is anymore. he's learning. he just has to hope it's fast enough. that handing therion his tether is the right thing to do.
right now, though, he's brave. right now the four glasses of malt liquor tells him that he should prove that he loves therion by taking care of him. that's the only thing that makes sense. so, clumsy as he is, he tries.
he kisses therion on the forehead, and eases back against the headboard, and coaxes therion to relax against his chest, his heartbeat. jiaoqiu is warmer, this way. he's enveloped in therion's weight and scent, familiar and safe, and he means to try to force his brain to say more, but.
unless therion says more, he's going to start to doze off, hugging therion to him like a teddy bear, absolutely comforted by him being here. ]
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there's tension in the back of his neck where jiaoqiu's hand touches it, but that's probably not surprising. it's his turn for everything in this world to just feel too enormous, too big, his turn to just be held here, to be - to be welcomed home, is what it is. the four glasses of malt liquor don't often have the right idea, but maybe right now, they do.
yes, he believes it. he has to sit with the feeling for a while, has to white knuckle at jiaoqiu's shirt. has to berate himself, internally, for doing so, for looking so vulnerable, but the fact that jiaoqiu's not entirely in control of his faculties eases the way. tomorrow, if he forgets, he can pretend this never happened. tomorrow, if he remembers, he might pretend it never happened, anyway. he can hold this tiny, tremulous feeling to himself, that he does believe that jiaoqiu loves him. whether he's deserving of that or not is another thing entirely. whether it lasts, that's another thing entirely. but it is his.
slowly, he lets him coax him into moving. honestly, he's barely paying attention to it, somewhere between dazed and choking on metaphorical flower petals as a kiss is pressed to his forehead. his eyes close and stay closed, because if he opens them, he's not sure he'll be able to continue forward. and when he's finally about ready to make a comment, maybe something snarky, he realizes, belated, that jiaoqiu's breathing has even out.
...
slowly. slowly, carefully, he leans forward, and after a beat of hesitation, presses a kiss to his cheek. it lingers there, soft, a gesture sweet that he rarely ever makes for. just a soft, silent thank you, an unvoiced you too, because that's all he can really do, overwhelmed with the feeling of perhaps loving someone, and being loved in return.
as he slinks back down, he adjusts the pillows a little under jiaoqiu, so he's not sitting up entirely - so his stupid old bones don't ache in the morning - and slowly settles there. eyes wide open and lost in his own thoughts, he curls up there, being held like he's some kind of object of comfort (him? an object of comfort, to who?) and eventually, he curls his hand in the front of his clothes and leaves it there. like a lifeline, like a boat in the middle of a tumultuous sea. ]
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