surprisingly, despite everything - this stupid little interaction, these stupid little interactions, the burn of the drink - it's been enough to bring him down to almost calm. he's gone from high strung and paranoid to quietly safe, sitting here. safe enough to, for the first time, talk about darius, even if it was tiptoe and roundabout, he spat out the words, and jiaoqiu's first response was to stay.
despite his shitty life. his shitty background. his fucking awful safehouse. the idea flickers across his head - we could just go, and the feeling of the word we in his own subconscious startles the hell out of him. reflexively, his hand curls again, and it's a hold. ]
This is my normal.
[ and it's obvious in four words, he's not just talking about the apartment, here. ]
[ but it doesn't have to be, is obvious in his four words.
he knows it's not fair and not right to trap a wild and free animal in a cage. therion would be unhappy to be stuck in one place forever, stagnant and rotting. but he supposes that he isn't even really thinking past today. it's hard to do that. the future is not a real thing to him, half the time. it's only because therion is here next to him, holding his hand, that he can even hear the train rattling past them.
he tilts his head back, looking up at the ceiling. therion has calmed down, and it puts him at ease, too. it makes him want to find them a kitchen, find them a meal, a blanket, a pillow and a warm place. to nap. ease down into the void together. sometimes, he thinks that he's a little more like moss than a person, growing slowly along the bark of something and threatening to rot the both of them.
he shakes his head a bit. feels therion's hand finally gripping back. breathes in, and then out. ]
I don't want you to be alone.
[ whatever it is, wherever they end up, that's unfathomable to him. the future is his nebulous work schedule. there isn't really anything else. but he is certain of this much. ]
[ almost reflexively, immediately: ] I'm fine by myself.
[ i don't want you to be alone.
it's just -
that's the thing. therion is and always has been, since darius, alone, and that's how he prefers it. he likes his silence. he likes his quiet. he likes that he's attachment free. he likes that he splits no scores, he leaves when he wants, he comes back when he wants. he does whatever his whimsy tells him to.
that's how it's supposed to be. and yet, he keeps finding himself coming back here. he thinks of, terrifyingly, phrases in 'we' instead of in 'I'. he can convince himself of it all he wants, but he is lonely, and it's spending time with jiaoqiu that has eased that, that has reminded him in all the good ways and the bad that he is lonely, and that having companionship has yet to end in... well, in the edge of a cliff. not yet. will jiaoqiu betray him, too? he doesn't know. what's scary is he doubts that he will with each month that goes by - and still, he was with darius for years, so the trust that could be built there is always limited by the word 'but'.
he looks down at his own hand, lightly bandaged, set lightly here. held, but not trapped.
therion's silent for a while after the initial statement, long enough for another train to rattle the walls of the apartment. his expression is stormy. hard to read, but if jiaoqiu is patient, he picks the thread up again. ]
...Don't really want him to dictate my life. [ therion says, after a long moment. darius' presence - it'd be much easier just to skip town. but why should he? it hurts his pride to have to skitter away from him. it feels like a loss. but the problem is that he doesn't want him to see what therion's 'manors' are, and in a way, it's too late for that. what's scary is that therion doesn't consider anything in this world "his", but this might just be the closest thing to it. ]
I doubt he'll stick around long. [ after all, therion's never run into him until now. just a stroke of bad luck. this feels like a non sequitur, but it's not, not really. ] Just need to lay low for a few days.
[ or. he's quiet for a second longer, then snorts. dry: ] You got any vacation days saved up?
[ this is a joke. (mostly.) it's not quite a joke, though, because what it is is an admittance - despite his initial response, the very, very tentatively built whatever this is is on steady enough ground that he extends a wounded paw out to be taken. ]
[ i'm fine by myself kind of... hurts? not as much as it could, because jiaoqiu does know that therion is trying to slam down the stone wall as much as he can out of instinct, that he's protecting himself. it makes sense, especially in the light of what he just told him. darius did some serious damage, and jiaoqiu doesn't exactly take it personally.
still. maybe it's just that he wonders, sometimes. jiaoqiu's world is less covered in fog, when therion is around. if it's the same both ways, or if it's more one-sided than that. he thinks it isn't. he's pretty sure therion cares in return, and just can't bring himself to say so, but phrases like that always make that uncertainty in his mind rise up. it doesn't really matter either way, he supposes, because he's happy to be used, genuinely happy to have some sort of purpose. if he can be a healing stepping stone for therion trusting people again, that might be nice. something to live for.
(it's stupid to think that therion would be so hurt by darius and then turn around and use someone in the same way, but his brain doesn't go in that direction - his lack of self worth doesn't quite get him there.)
he doesn't let go of therion's hand. he strokes the side of it it with his thumb. he's patient, letting therion work through whatever he's working through. doesn't wince, when the train comes through, though his ears do press down against his skull again.
the uncertainty lingers, but therion asks him if he has vacation days in a sort of joking way, and jiaoqiu glances at him with a little smile. ]
An alarming amount, yes. Or so says Sushang.
[ he is holding out his wounded paw for jiaoqiu to take, to bandage. he sees it. and instead of shying away, like before, he leans into it. ]
I can take a few days. I suppose it is my turn to do something new.
[ the miscommunication trope rises once again but the lore makes it slightly (?) less bad
it's funny how telling people why you are the way you are, at least a little bit, can help smooth the way in interactions where you're vulnerable. he's exactly right, that it is protective, putting up iron walls and barbed wire to keep himself from being hurt again.
when jiaoqiu glances at him, he'll find therion looking back. his expression is inscrutable, though he's taking in those flattened ears. he's taking in the thumb that strokes the side of his hand. how scary that is, how cutting and running would be so much easier - maybe not today, but in the long run - and how selfish it would be, or how much pain it might save jiaoqiu, in the future.
there's another quiet pause as he looks back outwards at the blank, paint-peeling wall. the joke wasn't really a joke, just another shield up for what is an increasingly vulnerable question. his mouth feels dry, and it's somewhere near that panic point again, in an entirely different direction - his pulse jumps, and he keeps it off his face. casual. nonchalant. ]
... Stay here, or go somewhere else?
[ it's an offer. another tentative one. does he want to stay in the city? or leave it. ]
[ how much pain it might save jiaoqiu in the future is a very funny phrase, considering therion knows that jiaoqiu annually goes to sit in a graveyard all day and disassociate. he does really well with people cutting and running. definitely does not torture himself for years afterwards because of someone leaving.
anyway, he tilts his head a bit. ]
I don't have a preference. Though it may feel a bit more like a vacation if we went somewhere else.
[ we, he says. us. he knows that's scary, but he needs it for himself. he needs to do something to reassure himself that this means something. he's casual, though. he understands how vulnerable this is, but he's going to treat it like it's something normal, because he imagines that therion would hate kid-gloves. jiaoqiu would too. his brain is broken, he's not five. ]
he's quiet again, and the word we is not lost on him, either. his pulse jumps again, and - well, jiaoqiu's got it right, this is about the only way to handle this. treat it like it's normal. pretend there's nothing massive happening, pretending the implications of this moment are not a heel turn into - into dangerous territory, but hasn't he been in dangerous territory for months, now?
what does he want. does he want to leave? he thinks about running as far away as he can, as far from everything, and he's not - sure that he's ready to pack up and run with jiaoqiu yet. that feels like a huge step, because that's what he did with darius, after all. place to place to place.
behind his scarf, he swallows, tucking his face into it a little further. like it's a shield, and then feels around in his pockets for his burner phone. it's not the fanciest thing in the world, but it has wifi, and he scrolls on it for a few minutes until he opens up whatever the equivalent of expedia is, types in the name of the city jiaoqiu lives in, sets the rating of the hotel to five stars, and passes the phone to him. ]
Pick one.
[ the dissonance of this garbage apartment and the prices of the places on this list is not small ]
[ it's okay jiaoqiu is also a fucking moron so they were made for each other
he watches therion scrunch down into his scarf with a slightly amused look, but waits. and when therion hands him the phone, he... raises his eyebrows. oh! okay. well. ]
[ points to one of the hotels. it's a fancy one, but the defining feature is that it's within walking distance of a restaurant that sells incredibly spicy hot pot. he's nothing if not predictable. ]
I'd prefer not to break any laws while we're there. As a note.
[ dryly. it's not a necessity, but like. y'know. ]
[ mm. he looks at the map, nods, takes a screenshot, and then fusses around with it for a bit. just a couple days. he'll have to leave to get the assets for it, but it's not like it'll be for long, and that might soothe some of the itch under his skin that comes with Staying, anyway. but a couple days should be enough to get any lingering pressure off, should be enough to disappear under the radar by just disappearing in plain sight.
and at the comment... for the first time since this debacle began, there's the faint hint of a smile, his usual shitty amusement finally starting to peek back through the clouds. ]
Then don't break any laws, fluff.
[ it's shitty, but it's definitely more therion and less "panicking, protective feral animal"? so that's a start! ]
[ it's a start!! and it's a relief, too, to see him acting more like himself. jiaoqiu's tail flicks in his lap a bit, pleased.
he is also still holding therion's hand. he'll be doing that until therion dislodges him, honestly. with his free hand, he pulls his own phone out, intending to send a message to his supervisor. he should really give more notice than this, but whatever, he's the only one willing to work these hours and it's not like hanya can't handle his job. she just doesn't like to.
a hum. ]
Are we to stay here for the night, or go straight there?
[ he glances down at the pile of fluff in his lap, feeling the undeniable feral urge to just pull it or smack it off his lap like a cat, but he does not do either of those things.
after he says it, though, there's a beat, and - ]
Sure you'd rather not just stay in your own bed? Last chance. You might get fleas.
[ though he phrases it roughly, it's more considerate than it sounds. he knows it sucks here. it sucks a lot! ]
[ rude. he gets a bony elbow to the side for his trouble.
as for food... he thinks about the sorry state of this place. what's in here? there's a container of apples he stole from jiaoqiu's the last time and... that's... about it? hm. the idea of eating makes him feel a little nauseous, actually, and he makes a little bit of a face because he also really does not want to leave the safehouse right now, and he wants jiaoqiu to leave it even less. this is what it means to have other people around, a nasty little voice in his head tells him, and finally, he pulls his hand away to scrub at his face again, to shake that off. ]
I can get something. You don't even know where you are.
he hums, watching therion for a moment. and then very carefully, he leans over and presses a kiss to his cheek, before turning to try and make something out of this blanket nest and air mattress. ]
Make sure it's spicy. [ like therion doesn't know. ] And be careful. I will wait here, if that's what you want.
Yeah, yeah. [ spicy, he knows. god. up he gets, then, pushing off the air mattress silently, making barely enough waves to jostle jiaoqiu. maybe getting back out into the night will be good for him. maybe he can try and canvas around, see if he can find signs of darius or any of the goons he's sure he has poking around on the other side of town - but jiaoqiu will be waiting, so he can't do that, either.
his cheek feels warm. therion frowns to himself, hard, then shakes his head harder and goes over to a wall, feeling around for something, then finds a seam in the drywall, pushes it open to reveal the studs below, and pulls out something out of a nook that looks suspiciously like a wad of cash, then shuts it again. it looks like he might just use the door, but he stops, checks the deadbolts - all three of them - and then turns and strides across the room to the small, barely therion sized window out to the train station below. truly therion in his enclosure behavior.
his head is a fucking mess. he turns at the windowsill to glance back - looking at the strange, out of place sight of jiaoqiu sitting in his terrible, shitty apartment for a long moment. it looks like he wants to say something, but then he shakes his head, pulls his hood up, and slides out into the night, closing the window just as another train rattles by so he disappears in silence.
if jiaoqiu wants to poke around this place, it doesn't seem like therion would care that much...? there's probably plenty to look at. ]
[ imagine i said he just curled up and went to sleep instead
he does think about it, tempted to just zone out, but he doesn't want to be in a state when therion comes back. especially after the look therion gave him before leaving - the paranoia is still there, and his goal, as always, is to ease it as much as possible. at least he knows that therion will come back this time. or - well, there's a very good chance.
so he'll arrange them a nest, and then crawls off the mattress and begins his life as a point and click adventure. what is there to look at? he does poke a little curiously at the seam in the wall that therion touched, but he's open to everything in this dinky little room. ]
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Well, then - shall I stay here?
[ he won't trap therion, but he doesn't want to leave him alone, either. ]
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looks at him so flatly ]
You. In this place.
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[ mildly. like, look, this has four walls. that's pretty good. ]
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and watches his reaction ]
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okay listen his nose gets wrinkly at the sound, but the second it's done: ]
I will get used to it.
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surprisingly, despite everything - this stupid little interaction, these stupid little interactions, the burn of the drink - it's been enough to bring him down to almost calm. he's gone from high strung and paranoid to quietly safe, sitting here. safe enough to, for the first time, talk about darius, even if it was tiptoe and roundabout, he spat out the words, and jiaoqiu's first response was to stay.
despite his shitty life. his shitty background. his fucking awful safehouse. the idea flickers across his head - we could just go, and the feeling of the word we in his own subconscious startles the hell out of him. reflexively, his hand curls again, and it's a hold. ]
This is my normal.
[ and it's obvious in four words, he's not just talking about the apartment, here. ]
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[ but it doesn't have to be, is obvious in his four words.
he knows it's not fair and not right to trap a wild and free animal in a cage. therion would be unhappy to be stuck in one place forever, stagnant and rotting. but he supposes that he isn't even really thinking past today. it's hard to do that. the future is not a real thing to him, half the time. it's only because therion is here next to him, holding his hand, that he can even hear the train rattling past them.
he tilts his head back, looking up at the ceiling. therion has calmed down, and it puts him at ease, too. it makes him want to find them a kitchen, find them a meal, a blanket, a pillow and a warm place. to nap. ease down into the void together. sometimes, he thinks that he's a little more like moss than a person, growing slowly along the bark of something and threatening to rot the both of them.
he shakes his head a bit. feels therion's hand finally gripping back. breathes in, and then out. ]
I don't want you to be alone.
[ whatever it is, wherever they end up, that's unfathomable to him. the future is his nebulous work schedule. there isn't really anything else. but he is certain of this much. ]
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[ i don't want you to be alone.
it's just -
that's the thing. therion is and always has been, since darius, alone, and that's how he prefers it. he likes his silence. he likes his quiet. he likes that he's attachment free. he likes that he splits no scores, he leaves when he wants, he comes back when he wants. he does whatever his whimsy tells him to.
that's how it's supposed to be. and yet, he keeps finding himself coming back here. he thinks of, terrifyingly, phrases in 'we' instead of in 'I'. he can convince himself of it all he wants, but he is lonely, and it's spending time with jiaoqiu that has eased that, that has reminded him in all the good ways and the bad that he is lonely, and that having companionship has yet to end in... well, in the edge of a cliff. not yet. will jiaoqiu betray him, too? he doesn't know. what's scary is he doubts that he will with each month that goes by - and still, he was with darius for years, so the trust that could be built there is always limited by the word 'but'.
he looks down at his own hand, lightly bandaged, set lightly here. held, but not trapped.
therion's silent for a while after the initial statement, long enough for another train to rattle the walls of the apartment. his expression is stormy. hard to read, but if jiaoqiu is patient, he picks the thread up again. ]
...Don't really want him to dictate my life. [ therion says, after a long moment. darius' presence - it'd be much easier just to skip town. but why should he? it hurts his pride to have to skitter away from him. it feels like a loss. but the problem is that he doesn't want him to see what therion's 'manors' are, and in a way, it's too late for that. what's scary is that therion doesn't consider anything in this world "his", but this might just be the closest thing to it. ]
I doubt he'll stick around long. [ after all, therion's never run into him until now. just a stroke of bad luck. this feels like a non sequitur, but it's not, not really. ] Just need to lay low for a few days.
[ or. he's quiet for a second longer, then snorts. dry: ] You got any vacation days saved up?
[ this is a joke. (mostly.) it's not quite a joke, though, because what it is is an admittance - despite his initial response, the very, very tentatively built whatever this is is on steady enough ground that he extends a wounded paw out to be taken. ]
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still. maybe it's just that he wonders, sometimes. jiaoqiu's world is less covered in fog, when therion is around. if it's the same both ways, or if it's more one-sided than that. he thinks it isn't. he's pretty sure therion cares in return, and just can't bring himself to say so, but phrases like that always make that uncertainty in his mind rise up. it doesn't really matter either way, he supposes, because he's happy to be used, genuinely happy to have some sort of purpose. if he can be a healing stepping stone for therion trusting people again, that might be nice. something to live for.
(it's stupid to think that therion would be so hurt by darius and then turn around and use someone in the same way, but his brain doesn't go in that direction - his lack of self worth doesn't quite get him there.)
he doesn't let go of therion's hand. he strokes the side of it it with his thumb. he's patient, letting therion work through whatever he's working through. doesn't wince, when the train comes through, though his ears do press down against his skull again.
the uncertainty lingers, but therion asks him if he has vacation days in a sort of joking way, and jiaoqiu glances at him with a little smile. ]
An alarming amount, yes. Or so says Sushang.
[ he is holding out his wounded paw for jiaoqiu to take, to bandage. he sees it. and instead of shying away, like before, he leans into it. ]
I can take a few days. I suppose it is my turn to do something new.
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it's funny how telling people why you are the way you are, at least a little bit, can help smooth the way in interactions where you're vulnerable. he's exactly right, that it is protective, putting up iron walls and barbed wire to keep himself from being hurt again.
when jiaoqiu glances at him, he'll find therion looking back. his expression is inscrutable, though he's taking in those flattened ears. he's taking in the thumb that strokes the side of his hand. how scary that is, how cutting and running would be so much easier - maybe not today, but in the long run - and how selfish it would be, or how much pain it might save jiaoqiu, in the future.
there's another quiet pause as he looks back outwards at the blank, paint-peeling wall. the joke wasn't really a joke, just another shield up for what is an increasingly vulnerable question. his mouth feels dry, and it's somewhere near that panic point again, in an entirely different direction - his pulse jumps, and he keeps it off his face. casual. nonchalant. ]
... Stay here, or go somewhere else?
[ it's an offer. another tentative one. does he want to stay in the city? or leave it. ]
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anyway, he tilts his head a bit. ]
I don't have a preference. Though it may feel a bit more like a vacation if we went somewhere else.
[ we, he says. us. he knows that's scary, but he needs it for himself. he needs to do something to reassure himself that this means something. he's casual, though. he understands how vulnerable this is, but he's going to treat it like it's something normal, because he imagines that therion would hate kid-gloves. jiaoqiu would too. his brain is broken, he's not five. ]
What do you want?
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he's quiet again, and the word we is not lost on him, either. his pulse jumps again, and - well, jiaoqiu's got it right, this is about the only way to handle this. treat it like it's normal. pretend there's nothing massive happening, pretending the implications of this moment are not a heel turn into - into dangerous territory, but hasn't he been in dangerous territory for months, now?
what does he want. does he want to leave? he thinks about running as far away as he can, as far from everything, and he's not - sure that he's ready to pack up and run with jiaoqiu yet. that feels like a huge step, because that's what he did with darius, after all. place to place to place.
behind his scarf, he swallows, tucking his face into it a little further. like it's a shield, and then feels around in his pockets for his burner phone. it's not the fanciest thing in the world, but it has wifi, and he scrolls on it for a few minutes until he opens up whatever the equivalent of expedia is, types in the name of the city jiaoqiu lives in, sets the rating of the hotel to five stars, and passes the phone to him. ]
Pick one.
[ the dissonance of this garbage apartment and the prices of the places on this list is not small ]
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he watches therion scrunch down into his scarf with a slightly amused look, but waits. and when therion hands him the phone, he... raises his eyebrows. oh! okay. well. ]
I'm not sure how much money you think I make.
[ he says, bemused. ]
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he is giving him the judgiest "are you fucking stupid" face you've ever seen in your life ]
No. I thought you were a millionaire.
[ waits for him to get it ]
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A MINUTE ]
... You're saying you can afford this. [ looks at the apartment. looks at therion. ]
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You've got your job. I've got mine.
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... This one, then.
[ points to one of the hotels. it's a fancy one, but the defining feature is that it's within walking distance of a restaurant that sells incredibly spicy hot pot. he's nothing if not predictable. ]
I'd prefer not to break any laws while we're there. As a note.
[ dryly. it's not a necessity, but like. y'know. ]
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and at the comment... for the first time since this debacle began, there's the faint hint of a smile, his usual shitty amusement finally starting to peek back through the clouds. ]
Then don't break any laws, fluff.
[ it's shitty, but it's definitely more therion and less "panicking, protective feral animal"? so that's a start! ]
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he is also still holding therion's hand. he'll be doing that until therion dislodges him, honestly. with his free hand, he pulls his own phone out, intending to send a message to his supervisor. he should really give more notice than this, but whatever, he's the only one willing to work these hours and it's not like hanya can't handle his job. she just doesn't like to.
a hum. ]
Are we to stay here for the night, or go straight there?
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[ he glances down at the pile of fluff in his lap, feeling the undeniable feral urge to just pull it or smack it off his lap like a cat, but he does not do either of those things.
after he says it, though, there's a beat, and - ]
Sure you'd rather not just stay in your own bed? Last chance. You might get fleas.
[ though he phrases it roughly, it's more considerate than it sounds. he knows it sucks here. it sucks a lot! ]
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[ be nice
he squeezes therion's hand, but doesn't call any attention to it otherwise. he's fine right here, therion doesn't have to worry. ]
I will insist on finding food, however. Both of us need to eat.
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as for food... he thinks about the sorry state of this place. what's in here? there's a container of apples he stole from jiaoqiu's the last time and... that's... about it? hm. the idea of eating makes him feel a little nauseous, actually, and he makes a little bit of a face because he also really does not want to leave the safehouse right now, and he wants jiaoqiu to leave it even less. this is what it means to have other people around, a nasty little voice in his head tells him, and finally, he pulls his hand away to scrub at his face again, to shake that off. ]
I can get something. You don't even know where you are.
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he hums, watching therion for a moment. and then very carefully, he leans over and presses a kiss to his cheek, before turning to try and make something out of this blanket nest and air mattress. ]
Make sure it's spicy. [ like therion doesn't know. ] And be careful. I will wait here, if that's what you want.
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his cheek feels warm. therion frowns to himself, hard, then shakes his head harder and goes over to a wall, feeling around for something, then finds a seam in the drywall, pushes it open to reveal the studs below, and pulls out something out of a nook that looks suspiciously like a wad of cash, then shuts it again. it looks like he might just use the door, but he stops, checks the deadbolts - all three of them - and then turns and strides across the room to the small, barely therion sized window out to the train station below. truly therion in his enclosure behavior.
his head is a fucking mess. he turns at the windowsill to glance back - looking at the strange, out of place sight of jiaoqiu sitting in his terrible, shitty apartment for a long moment. it looks like he wants to say something, but then he shakes his head, pulls his hood up, and slides out into the night, closing the window just as another train rattles by so he disappears in silence.
if jiaoqiu wants to poke around this place, it doesn't seem like therion would care that much...? there's probably plenty to look at. ]
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he does think about it, tempted to just zone out, but he doesn't want to be in a state when therion comes back. especially after the look therion gave him before leaving - the paranoia is still there, and his goal, as always, is to ease it as much as possible. at least he knows that therion will come back this time. or - well, there's a very good chance.
so he'll arrange them a nest, and then crawls off the mattress and begins his life as a point and click adventure. what is there to look at? he does poke a little curiously at the seam in the wall that therion touched, but he's open to everything in this dinky little room. ]
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